Almost four months into my new job again, but I'm positive that this time, if something fucks up, I can at least wait until I've ended my probationary contract. I really do intend to stay, though, despite how strict the company is with leaves, absences and tardiness. I also work ten hours a day instead of the typical nine, with a position lower than my last one... though taking home more dough.
Work's distance is also a plus since it's much nearer to home compared to the two to three hour commute I used to do. People here are more tolerable and some of them are even nice friends. It's pretty awesome in general.
I get impatient with many things though. When everything is slow-paced, I mean it. You literally do nothing. Good thing we've got some pending projects now and I'm flexing my muscles in preparation of... getting shit done. I'm hoping to get a promotion here and I'm positive if I do very well ,then there's a very good chance I will.
I feel underemployed for some reason and that some other people are underqualified for their positions. It can be a huge hassle, I'm telling you. People you need to rely on sometimes are useless and you end up doing things yourself.... which can be a plus for me. It means I can get things done and I can do it better. I'm independent and capable.
I hate that people are sometimes unreliable, unconcerned and slow. I don't understand why a person can't care for their job if it's where they're getting their money from....... and if it's a pretty easy one as well. Honestly, the only thing that makes my job complicated at the moment is the load. That's all. There's just a lot to do... but it doesn't require too much thinking, like the one I had before.
Changes in the structure have changed since I've been here. It's strange how companies easily switch people's responsibilities like it's that easy. I heard last week that instead of handling one brand, I'll be a shares services person, helping out with several brands instead of just one. I shrugged at the thought. What's new? I've always handled more than one brand. Thank you, first job!
What's new with me and Miles, besides having a worse relationship? Haha. It's funny how whenever we improve in some aspects, we start to fail in others. He's much shorter with me, terrifyingly, irrationally shorter now, to be honest.... he now mocks me when I'm down. He doesn't like to spoil me anymore and do as I request no matter how much I explain to him it's what we, or I need. He doesn't think of me that much, but thinks too much about what other people would think of him. He's mostly real with me and hides behind several masks with other people. I wonder how many masks he uses on me?
I've declared myself single to him several times this year every time he shocked me with how much of an asshole he could be. He never fails to shock me in the bad attitudes he's been developing recently, but his old, albeit habits don't surprise me anymore. Despite this, I have a strange feeling he isn't cheating on me anymore. Then again, who am I to know? He just admitted to me this month that he does look at other women.... but denies that he checks them out. But notes that he notices that they're attractive. Um. Uh. Wha?
I couldn't get that mad--I notice good-looking people too. What scares me are the men around me. Deeply committed, but openly check women out in the absence of their wives/long-term girlfriends. I feel so bad for the ladies that I feel like intruding and telling on the assholes. One day. One day. :(
I can't help it. I've been there. Many of my loved ones have. I can't help but want to protect my fellow women from injustice.
I've become even more of a feminist now and I can't be any happier. I am educating people in little ways on how to be less sexist against women and LGBTs. I hope I'm helping somehow.
I've become more open to some concepts, too; objective and more accepting. Gay, bi children, giving them a bit more freedom than what I have (and I have a lot compared to other people my age), religion and non-religion, sentiments of various people based on age, culture, ethnicity, experience, et cetera. It's refreshing. You feel like you're above the Earth. You can see everything and don't have to take sides... while everyone else is chained by biases.
I wonder how things are going to end vetween Miles and I. Will we still be together or will we split up for real? He'll barely get to speak with me beginning next year... for almost two years because he picked a new job that requires that kind of intensive training (did that on a whim because he was mad at me... now we face the life-damaging consequences). I'm not sure we'll get to meet this holiday because even when he saves up more than enough to see me, I'm not sure I can take a three... or even two-week leave without getting fired.
When you're faced with problems like these, you need to address them, pronto.
Never run away.
Lilith
Showing posts with label updates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label updates. Show all posts
Monday, July 28, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Lilith: warming up to my blog
When I was single, I had all sorts of art-related activities to keep my mind busy; distracted. Although, even then, I didn't constantly write poetry or draw, and I had little drive to take those talents seriously, I was always occupied (or preoccupied). Now that I am getting in touch with my old self, I remember how it felt like, about five or six years back. I always had a melancholic air about me... which disappear every time I was having fun with good friends or my close cousins and relatives. It was a lot easier to understand who I was, what type of person I was, back then, I think. Although I wasn't as open as I am now, I didn't confuse people so much before.
I still give people wrong impressions now. Just different ones. Much better ones, I guess? I don't really know. But I was attuned to myself a long time ago. After dating Miles* for a while, I forgot to look into myself; to converse with myself. I used to literally, silently speak with myself.
"What the hell, Lilith? Did you really just say that? Ugh, yeah, I know, what was embarrassing, can we just forget about it? Listen to some music, that should help you forget! Right, I'll do that."
My older blogs even had comical portions that featured the three parts of my consciousness arguing/conversing. It's funny, and I could write endlessly, and with my eyes closed; I think, because I was so aware of my thoughts and feelings. I realize how raw my blogs could have been years ago when I religiously maintained them.
I've always been lonely, and I think this is the very first time I'll admit that. On here, an anonymous blog, too! I wonder why it's so hard to preserve friendships. It may be because it's hard to find friends that I actually like. There's always something that puts me off. I have friends that are so like me, yet their vast knowledge or their busy schedules or their fast-paced lifestyle kind of makes me want to take a step back. Sometimes, they really do matter to me, but I am just another random face to them. I've also been used by "friends" numerous times. These aren't even "friends". Jesus, I'm this old, and I still have trouble keeping company. What the fuck.
I have friends that are true soulmates, but distance and priorities keep me apart from them. I'm still happy we try to get in touch and we miss each other. I'm not sure how to take the changes in our lives, though. However, the fact that we remain friends despite the separation makes me feel warm inside.
I know I can't depend on them, though; and they probably think the same about me. I'm not sure. The thing is, though, they're doing better than I am, and they're fine. I'm not, and that doesn't make me feel like a worthy friend. I feel like I got stuck (pushed back, rather?) in the past after the "big incident" with Miles.
Blogging, writing, listening to music, watching films and series, reading, drawing, et cetera: these always kept me busy back then. I sometimes felt like I was forcing myself to do these things, and honestly, I don't go out enough. I think we've established that the reason for this is because all my real friends have moved on and it's difficult to find new quality friends (also: especially because I have left two jobs and didn't get to connect properly) nowadays.
Despite having an active mind, I was constantly drawn to sad and gloomy emotions, situations, people, things... I think this really is where art comes in. I was so pensive. I wrote beautifully about the most insignificant things. I paid attention to very significant life issues and write extensively, intelligently about them. I was so gloomy, yet I was ten times funnier. How was that possible? How am I so boring now that I am more open, more vocal, less shy, more assertive and confident? How strange is that?
Ah. Of course. I gave all of this up for one person: Miles.
I used to hang out with my close college friends after school. But you know what they say: love is a drug. I got addicted to it. First, it was JC*--and a number of guys I was talking with, too, at the time. I was so into the fact that they might be into me; I guess it was because I needed a simulation of a relationship or dating (in order to write about it?). I wasn't ready to date anyone, mainly because I haven't found anyone who was that worth it, but I wanted to write about love and pain, and the beauty of sadness/loneliness that comes with it. I was so into art, so into love, I was basically in love with everything around me. Everything meant something, and I would write about it. Every small incident was a story. Everything inspired me. I was constantly daydreaming.
When Miles and I started getting more steady, I would hurry home, or wake up hours before I really should. I'd match my sleeping schedule with his so I could spend more time with him. I spent too much time with him and put him above everything. I'd rather stay home and speak with him that go out with friends or family. It was all about him. And somehow, I believed he put a lot of effort in making it about me, too.
But now that I look at everything--at us--from the very beginning to now--all those years--I realize that he only really had time for me because his schedule permitted it. If he had the option to speak with me while he was out doing something, he'd do it. But I really am... just an inconsistent part of his schedule. Everything--work, his health, his friends and family--else in his life goes first. I am just... something he squeezes into his sched.
Meanwhile, I--
Picture this. I am working on seven projects on a big table: it looks organized, busy. Miles walks over-- "Hi, Lilith. Ugh, I'm so hungry."
In a matter of two seconds, I've swept all my papers from the table with my right arm, and grabbed prepared meals from under the now clean table, so we could eat together.
Yeah, that's how I treat him. I'm never prepared for anything else in my life but him.
I wonder why it hurts me that our goals are changing for the worse (for our relationship). You'd think by now that our plans are now more in sync, because we're getting older and more and more eligible for settling down. When he was red, I was blue. So I worked hard in considering being red. Now that I'm closer to being red, he decides he's going to be blue. Yes, I know people change, but why are things turning out this way? If I knew this was going to happen, that he was going to consider a future for himself without me, I would've just ignored him five years ago. I would have never let this relationship happen.
The reason why I stopped going out, socializing, taking care of myself, doing art, BLOGGING, is because everything had become him. He had become everyone, and everything to me. My diary, too. Now that he's not around, I feel so uneasy... naked, even. Because I have nothing, no one. Before I realized it, he had become my world. I used to promise myself never to let that happen... with anyone. It isn't worth it. Well, I guess I taught myself a lesson well. I just learned it the hard way. This is something I will someday teach my daughter... at least there's that. Someone will benefit from this pain someday. It's okay.
My blog used to be.... mostly my everything. I wrote about my feelings, every single insignificant occurrence in my life. I stopped because I had him. I told him everything. He knew everything. And what do you know, he doesn't really tell me everything. What's the point?
Blogging feels alien to me when I first start writing after stopping for a long time. I think I should warm up to it again, because it helps... somehow. Crying and drinking and watching shallow movies have started to lose their effect on me. They just wear me out and make me uglier.
I wish I would never stop blogging. I don't think I have to commit to this a hundred percent, like I used to, with my past journals... but I hope I keep this one alive. I know it will keep me sane.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
I still give people wrong impressions now. Just different ones. Much better ones, I guess? I don't really know. But I was attuned to myself a long time ago. After dating Miles* for a while, I forgot to look into myself; to converse with myself. I used to literally, silently speak with myself.
"What the hell, Lilith? Did you really just say that? Ugh, yeah, I know, what was embarrassing, can we just forget about it? Listen to some music, that should help you forget! Right, I'll do that."
My older blogs even had comical portions that featured the three parts of my consciousness arguing/conversing. It's funny, and I could write endlessly, and with my eyes closed; I think, because I was so aware of my thoughts and feelings. I realize how raw my blogs could have been years ago when I religiously maintained them.
I've always been lonely, and I think this is the very first time I'll admit that. On here, an anonymous blog, too! I wonder why it's so hard to preserve friendships. It may be because it's hard to find friends that I actually like. There's always something that puts me off. I have friends that are so like me, yet their vast knowledge or their busy schedules or their fast-paced lifestyle kind of makes me want to take a step back. Sometimes, they really do matter to me, but I am just another random face to them. I've also been used by "friends" numerous times. These aren't even "friends". Jesus, I'm this old, and I still have trouble keeping company. What the fuck.
I have friends that are true soulmates, but distance and priorities keep me apart from them. I'm still happy we try to get in touch and we miss each other. I'm not sure how to take the changes in our lives, though. However, the fact that we remain friends despite the separation makes me feel warm inside.
I know I can't depend on them, though; and they probably think the same about me. I'm not sure. The thing is, though, they're doing better than I am, and they're fine. I'm not, and that doesn't make me feel like a worthy friend. I feel like I got stuck (pushed back, rather?) in the past after the "big incident" with Miles.
Blogging, writing, listening to music, watching films and series, reading, drawing, et cetera: these always kept me busy back then. I sometimes felt like I was forcing myself to do these things, and honestly, I don't go out enough. I think we've established that the reason for this is because all my real friends have moved on and it's difficult to find new quality friends (also: especially because I have left two jobs and didn't get to connect properly) nowadays.
Despite having an active mind, I was constantly drawn to sad and gloomy emotions, situations, people, things... I think this really is where art comes in. I was so pensive. I wrote beautifully about the most insignificant things. I paid attention to very significant life issues and write extensively, intelligently about them. I was so gloomy, yet I was ten times funnier. How was that possible? How am I so boring now that I am more open, more vocal, less shy, more assertive and confident? How strange is that?
Ah. Of course. I gave all of this up for one person: Miles.
I used to hang out with my close college friends after school. But you know what they say: love is a drug. I got addicted to it. First, it was JC*--and a number of guys I was talking with, too, at the time. I was so into the fact that they might be into me; I guess it was because I needed a simulation of a relationship or dating (in order to write about it?). I wasn't ready to date anyone, mainly because I haven't found anyone who was that worth it, but I wanted to write about love and pain, and the beauty of sadness/loneliness that comes with it. I was so into art, so into love, I was basically in love with everything around me. Everything meant something, and I would write about it. Every small incident was a story. Everything inspired me. I was constantly daydreaming.
When Miles and I started getting more steady, I would hurry home, or wake up hours before I really should. I'd match my sleeping schedule with his so I could spend more time with him. I spent too much time with him and put him above everything. I'd rather stay home and speak with him that go out with friends or family. It was all about him. And somehow, I believed he put a lot of effort in making it about me, too.
But now that I look at everything--at us--from the very beginning to now--all those years--I realize that he only really had time for me because his schedule permitted it. If he had the option to speak with me while he was out doing something, he'd do it. But I really am... just an inconsistent part of his schedule. Everything--work, his health, his friends and family--else in his life goes first. I am just... something he squeezes into his sched.
Meanwhile, I--
Picture this. I am working on seven projects on a big table: it looks organized, busy. Miles walks over-- "Hi, Lilith. Ugh, I'm so hungry."
In a matter of two seconds, I've swept all my papers from the table with my right arm, and grabbed prepared meals from under the now clean table, so we could eat together.
Yeah, that's how I treat him. I'm never prepared for anything else in my life but him.
I wonder why it hurts me that our goals are changing for the worse (for our relationship). You'd think by now that our plans are now more in sync, because we're getting older and more and more eligible for settling down. When he was red, I was blue. So I worked hard in considering being red. Now that I'm closer to being red, he decides he's going to be blue. Yes, I know people change, but why are things turning out this way? If I knew this was going to happen, that he was going to consider a future for himself without me, I would've just ignored him five years ago. I would have never let this relationship happen.
The reason why I stopped going out, socializing, taking care of myself, doing art, BLOGGING, is because everything had become him. He had become everyone, and everything to me. My diary, too. Now that he's not around, I feel so uneasy... naked, even. Because I have nothing, no one. Before I realized it, he had become my world. I used to promise myself never to let that happen... with anyone. It isn't worth it. Well, I guess I taught myself a lesson well. I just learned it the hard way. This is something I will someday teach my daughter... at least there's that. Someone will benefit from this pain someday. It's okay.
My blog used to be.... mostly my everything. I wrote about my feelings, every single insignificant occurrence in my life. I stopped because I had him. I told him everything. He knew everything. And what do you know, he doesn't really tell me everything. What's the point?
Blogging feels alien to me when I first start writing after stopping for a long time. I think I should warm up to it again, because it helps... somehow. Crying and drinking and watching shallow movies have started to lose their effect on me. They just wear me out and make me uglier.
I wish I would never stop blogging. I don't think I have to commit to this a hundred percent, like I used to, with my past journals... but I hope I keep this one alive. I know it will keep me sane.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Lilith: Music for the Restless Soul
I have been doing my best to keep myself occupied these past few days. Somehow, I still can't bring myself to feel guilty or mad that I left my job. However, I do miss having things to do; stressing over things that actually matter... being a useful human being and feeling responsible for something good.
How many interviews have I turned down? For every 10 applications I send out, an average of 4.5 would contact me for an interview. What led me to send out as many applications as possible isn't the fact that I'd like to pursue a career with them, though; it's just out of desperation. I'll admit, I really just want to know that I have a lot of options, and I like knowing that I have a fallback, should my world collapse without a moment's notice.
I only go to 2 out of the 4.5 potential employers that call me back. Because I am a stuck-up millenial.
I guess I should've gone to that one interview after all. I knew I probably wouldn't want to get the job; it sounds like it'll make me want to leave after just a few months. But I also wanted to be exposed to people who work at what I believe is an atypical corporate set-up. That, and I wanted to get some milk tea and a box of doughnuts on the way home, which I'll never do if I had no reason to go out (saving money...). Spilled milk. Oh, well.
I believe I've done as much as I can think of--watched movies, series, read manga, checked my social media 100 times a minute, checked the time every two minutes, believing it's been thirty...
...played with the dogs, moved around, watched about a hundred trailers on YouTube and discovered new music, tried to keep up a conversation with people that piss me off just to get my mind off things, just to keep me busy...
...actually bothered to watch TV again, ate 'til I ran out of things to eat (I believe the reason I gain weight when I'm stuck at home is because I get too bored and antsy and am desperately trying to keep myself busy, doing at least 2 things at a time), developed OCD (no joking here, I think I'm starting to have this)...
I'm depressed, and don't eat meals on time. I wouldn't want to eat 'til I have people on the table to eat with. I'd starve myself 'til someone would eat with me. A couple of times, I waited too long, I found out they went ahead without me. Thanks for the invitation! Much appreciated.
I thought nothing would fill the void. I thought nothing would heal me. I said, "calm down, listen to some music. Update your blog." I played a song I downloaded yesterday, and started to feel better. I started to listen to the lyrics that I was unconsciously drawn to... which probably led to me downloading it. It definitely wasn't just the catchy tune.
Well, whaddaya know, I can relate to the words very well. I started to nod my head to the music, but after I listened to it thrice, I started to feel bitter again. I'm such a loser.
I'd make coffee twice a day after I told myself I should stay away from caffeine because I've been developing an addiction... again, just to distract myself. I look forward to interviews now, despite that horrible interview that went down last week. I don't give a fuck. I'll take insults from strangers any day, just get me out of here.
I'm a home body. Now I'm not. My safe haven, my room, my house... now feels like a mental institution. Geez. I'm pathetic.
I'm also battling with pride. Lots of it. I wish I didn't have to, but I am. I keep convincing myself, like a madwoman, that I'm being paranoid, about everything. You think it's this, but it's actually that. It's actually more okay than I think. Things are fine, and I'm just restless.
Now that I know that music can help me, I would probably spend the rest of the day music-tripping and preparing for tomorrow's interview. I hope all goes well for that one. Really.
I really need to get a job soon, I think I'm going mad. I need to do something!
Lilith
How many interviews have I turned down? For every 10 applications I send out, an average of 4.5 would contact me for an interview. What led me to send out as many applications as possible isn't the fact that I'd like to pursue a career with them, though; it's just out of desperation. I'll admit, I really just want to know that I have a lot of options, and I like knowing that I have a fallback, should my world collapse without a moment's notice.
I only go to 2 out of the 4.5 potential employers that call me back. Because I am a stuck-up millenial.
I guess I should've gone to that one interview after all. I knew I probably wouldn't want to get the job; it sounds like it'll make me want to leave after just a few months. But I also wanted to be exposed to people who work at what I believe is an atypical corporate set-up. That, and I wanted to get some milk tea and a box of doughnuts on the way home, which I'll never do if I had no reason to go out (saving money...). Spilled milk. Oh, well.
I believe I've done as much as I can think of--watched movies, series, read manga, checked my social media 100 times a minute, checked the time every two minutes, believing it's been thirty...
...played with the dogs, moved around, watched about a hundred trailers on YouTube and discovered new music, tried to keep up a conversation with people that piss me off just to get my mind off things, just to keep me busy...
...actually bothered to watch TV again, ate 'til I ran out of things to eat (I believe the reason I gain weight when I'm stuck at home is because I get too bored and antsy and am desperately trying to keep myself busy, doing at least 2 things at a time), developed OCD (no joking here, I think I'm starting to have this)...
I'm depressed, and don't eat meals on time. I wouldn't want to eat 'til I have people on the table to eat with. I'd starve myself 'til someone would eat with me. A couple of times, I waited too long, I found out they went ahead without me. Thanks for the invitation! Much appreciated.
I thought nothing would fill the void. I thought nothing would heal me. I said, "calm down, listen to some music. Update your blog." I played a song I downloaded yesterday, and started to feel better. I started to listen to the lyrics that I was unconsciously drawn to... which probably led to me downloading it. It definitely wasn't just the catchy tune.
Well, whaddaya know, I can relate to the words very well. I started to nod my head to the music, but after I listened to it thrice, I started to feel bitter again. I'm such a loser.
I'd make coffee twice a day after I told myself I should stay away from caffeine because I've been developing an addiction... again, just to distract myself. I look forward to interviews now, despite that horrible interview that went down last week. I don't give a fuck. I'll take insults from strangers any day, just get me out of here.
I'm a home body. Now I'm not. My safe haven, my room, my house... now feels like a mental institution. Geez. I'm pathetic.
I'm also battling with pride. Lots of it. I wish I didn't have to, but I am. I keep convincing myself, like a madwoman, that I'm being paranoid, about everything. You think it's this, but it's actually that. It's actually more okay than I think. Things are fine, and I'm just restless.
Now that I know that music can help me, I would probably spend the rest of the day music-tripping and preparing for tomorrow's interview. I hope all goes well for that one. Really.
I really need to get a job soon, I think I'm going mad. I need to do something!
Lilith
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Lilith: Lost and Found
I. Lost
I left my job last month. After being bulled by someone from the management, I decided it would be wrong if I stayed a minute longer.
I think I mentioned in a previous post that a certain UM person was the root of most resignations where I worked. It was really just bad management, in general, and I could understand why people from different departments decide to look for other companies that deserved them. At first, I thought, the longer I stayed, the tougher I'd get. The better I'd be. I thought that by staying, I was proving a point... I was succeeding... winning.
Then, this happened:
One day, after accomplishing a few tasks at the office, I packed my bags and was about to leave for one of the outlets I handled--my boss told me I could. On my way out, UM told me not to leave because he needed to speak with me. I already knew then I was in for some huge bullshit. Prior to that, he sent an e-mail to the "marketing team", using the BCC option to "make sure we're not embarrassed", and as usual, insulted us without really insulting us. He's taking something out on us because we were not able to do something he apparently wants us to do.
I was led into a room with UMP and someone with a high HR position. My boss didn't know this (I was later informed by my mother that my boss should be informed of everything that involved me, work-wise). I was interrogated, questioned for my skills and abilities, because what I've been accomplishing for the past few months was apparently not enough. It was the usual: what have you been doing, what have you accomplished, what are you doing now, what can you do, and what can you accomplish questions.
I was inwardly panicking at the time because I was caught off-guard. I tried to be more vocal, and I answered every question. I was mocked and insulted every time; I did not get to finish some of my statements, and each clear explanation I gave was ignored, because my input was not valued. They clearly did not understand some of my explanations and insisted I was wrong, and they are right, therefore I had to be demoted.
All that, only because I have not acquired a sponsorship for an ongoing project that he has. First off, he never informed me that he needed a hand... from me. Second, my boss never told me I needed to do so. Third, I've been launching new brands ever since I started, which is top priority--so side projects like that will be accomplished alongside my main priorities UPON THE INSTRUCTION of a superior.
I knew all that.
However, at the time, I missed the fact that sponsorships were a a very minor deliverable in my contract. It was a by-the-way. It was a just-in-case. It was a could, not a should.
He told me I was not good, that I was not bringing anything to the table, that I have to contribute something to the company... which I was. I later on reviewed my job description and I was able to perform everything that was expected of me. And I performed very well! Even my boss approved of me.
I knew a few weeks before that that the company was cutting down on employees. They can easily let people go or stop hiring. They did not need to harass people and constantly insult them to force them to resign. I knew this was his purpose--besides being a bored lunatic who wants to stir things up all the time. He's the demon king who rules over the unwilling planet earth, who tortures and kills humans for a living... for the hell of it.
What happened was a lot worse than what I'm describing here. The closed door meeting lasted for about an hour, with me trying to calmly and politely explain and defend myself and him pursing his lips in anger exactly because I was. What he wants me to be is scared, quiet, shaking and stuttering. The HR person did NOT help me. Nobody from HR EVER really helped those who needed them. The good people. They were pro-management. In fact, the HR person helped UM insult me and put me down.
He put me under another department that reported directly to him, without informing my boss. Again. He had done this about 10 times since I started. My boss was furious but could not do anything about it.
I had a family emergency the next day and had to take the day off. I informed UM too but he did not believe me. He said I should show proof that I was not procrastinating. I was livid--my emergency involved my NUCLEAR RELATIVES and he didn't give a shit; he just did not believe it. I was going to put up with the crap he did the previous day--insulting me, badgering me, changing my position and my boss and pretty much everything else. But after that... I knew I had enough. The next day was a weekend, so I fixed all my turnover files, wrote letters of resignation and printed out every proof that I was pushed to leave for a good reason. I made sure I covered my ass. I handed in my resignation letter the very next week. It wasn't accepted at first, but I left them no choice. I gave them the reason and there was nothing else for them to do except take it.
I feel so bad for leaving because I was learning relevant IMC skills. My boss was seasoned, and the brands I handled had great potential. I was only starting out. Now I'm looking for a new job again, but I'm not so sure how to explain myself to potential employers. I find it so hard to. Friends keep insisting I just tell them I freelanced... I can't. My experience was relevant. I still want to have the same job... just somewhere else. Just with other people... younger people, preferably.
II. Found
If you know me well, you know that I'm not just good at looking people up online--you know I find it thrilling. I am obsessed with it, if I really wanted to know more about the person. A few pieces of information can yield a thousand if they're in the right hands (mine!). Sometimes, I just can't stop until I get enough information--the search can go for as long as days... or years.
Yesterday, I gave myself a congratulatory pat on the shoulder for another job well done in this endeavor. After almost a decade of trying to find new, relevant information about *Bruce. Up until a year ago, everything I found about him was passe. They were the same things I found years ago, after we lost contact. Anything else was useless; dead ends.
I didn't stop. What seemed like a dead end a year ago had a secret passageway--there was a door I didn't see. One discovery led to another and... I found him.
I found out he didn't give me his full name--just the first two. Using those, I found at least five or six of his accounts. I can easily contact him now, but I am hesitant.
Why?
He was my first boyfriend. I'm not sure, but I think I was his first girlfriend as well. We were good friends before we took things to the next level. However, because of his immaturity and egocentrism and self-absorption, I left him. I wish I didn't have to, but even at age 15 I knew I couldn't put up with it. I sent him a note then disappeared.
I remember looking him up shortly after that. He never showed himself again. I saw a couple of his blogs and he never wrote about having any relationship. The slightest hint of that went along the lines of "I'm happy my friend won the girl over, as for me, I never really cared about love, nor do I care about it right now. We'll see if that changes at all."
I want closure. That's why I tried reaching out to two other guys I've had a thing with in the past, and lost touch with. I was mighty scared at first, because the reason those guys and I stopped talking was because things didn't work out. Either I hurt them, or they hurt me. I expected to be attacked once I introduced myself, but so far, so good, even with the nastiest parting I've ever had. To be honest, I am still searching for one last person, but things didn't end bad with that one, so I don't care as much. But Bruce? We definitely need closure.
Whether that girl he's with in that one picture is his girlfriend or not.
Whether Miles* and I are working out or not.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm so concerned about Bruce, when I am currently in need of a new job.
-Sighs.-
Dear Hotaru,
Nagisa finally found you. Nagisa will always find you. She's back to say she's sorry.
And "Let's continue our journey."
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
I left my job last month. After being bulled by someone from the management, I decided it would be wrong if I stayed a minute longer.
I think I mentioned in a previous post that a certain UM person was the root of most resignations where I worked. It was really just bad management, in general, and I could understand why people from different departments decide to look for other companies that deserved them. At first, I thought, the longer I stayed, the tougher I'd get. The better I'd be. I thought that by staying, I was proving a point... I was succeeding... winning.
Then, this happened:
One day, after accomplishing a few tasks at the office, I packed my bags and was about to leave for one of the outlets I handled--my boss told me I could. On my way out, UM told me not to leave because he needed to speak with me. I already knew then I was in for some huge bullshit. Prior to that, he sent an e-mail to the "marketing team", using the BCC option to "make sure we're not embarrassed", and as usual, insulted us without really insulting us. He's taking something out on us because we were not able to do something he apparently wants us to do.
I was led into a room with UMP and someone with a high HR position. My boss didn't know this (I was later informed by my mother that my boss should be informed of everything that involved me, work-wise). I was interrogated, questioned for my skills and abilities, because what I've been accomplishing for the past few months was apparently not enough. It was the usual: what have you been doing, what have you accomplished, what are you doing now, what can you do, and what can you accomplish questions.
I was inwardly panicking at the time because I was caught off-guard. I tried to be more vocal, and I answered every question. I was mocked and insulted every time; I did not get to finish some of my statements, and each clear explanation I gave was ignored, because my input was not valued. They clearly did not understand some of my explanations and insisted I was wrong, and they are right, therefore I had to be demoted.
All that, only because I have not acquired a sponsorship for an ongoing project that he has. First off, he never informed me that he needed a hand... from me. Second, my boss never told me I needed to do so. Third, I've been launching new brands ever since I started, which is top priority--so side projects like that will be accomplished alongside my main priorities UPON THE INSTRUCTION of a superior.
I knew all that.
However, at the time, I missed the fact that sponsorships were a a very minor deliverable in my contract. It was a by-the-way. It was a just-in-case. It was a could, not a should.
He told me I was not good, that I was not bringing anything to the table, that I have to contribute something to the company... which I was. I later on reviewed my job description and I was able to perform everything that was expected of me. And I performed very well! Even my boss approved of me.
I knew a few weeks before that that the company was cutting down on employees. They can easily let people go or stop hiring. They did not need to harass people and constantly insult them to force them to resign. I knew this was his purpose--besides being a bored lunatic who wants to stir things up all the time. He's the demon king who rules over the unwilling planet earth, who tortures and kills humans for a living... for the hell of it.
What happened was a lot worse than what I'm describing here. The closed door meeting lasted for about an hour, with me trying to calmly and politely explain and defend myself and him pursing his lips in anger exactly because I was. What he wants me to be is scared, quiet, shaking and stuttering. The HR person did NOT help me. Nobody from HR EVER really helped those who needed them. The good people. They were pro-management. In fact, the HR person helped UM insult me and put me down.
He put me under another department that reported directly to him, without informing my boss. Again. He had done this about 10 times since I started. My boss was furious but could not do anything about it.
I had a family emergency the next day and had to take the day off. I informed UM too but he did not believe me. He said I should show proof that I was not procrastinating. I was livid--my emergency involved my NUCLEAR RELATIVES and he didn't give a shit; he just did not believe it. I was going to put up with the crap he did the previous day--insulting me, badgering me, changing my position and my boss and pretty much everything else. But after that... I knew I had enough. The next day was a weekend, so I fixed all my turnover files, wrote letters of resignation and printed out every proof that I was pushed to leave for a good reason. I made sure I covered my ass. I handed in my resignation letter the very next week. It wasn't accepted at first, but I left them no choice. I gave them the reason and there was nothing else for them to do except take it.
I feel so bad for leaving because I was learning relevant IMC skills. My boss was seasoned, and the brands I handled had great potential. I was only starting out. Now I'm looking for a new job again, but I'm not so sure how to explain myself to potential employers. I find it so hard to. Friends keep insisting I just tell them I freelanced... I can't. My experience was relevant. I still want to have the same job... just somewhere else. Just with other people... younger people, preferably.
II. Found
If you know me well, you know that I'm not just good at looking people up online--you know I find it thrilling. I am obsessed with it, if I really wanted to know more about the person. A few pieces of information can yield a thousand if they're in the right hands (mine!). Sometimes, I just can't stop until I get enough information--the search can go for as long as days... or years.
Yesterday, I gave myself a congratulatory pat on the shoulder for another job well done in this endeavor. After almost a decade of trying to find new, relevant information about *Bruce. Up until a year ago, everything I found about him was passe. They were the same things I found years ago, after we lost contact. Anything else was useless; dead ends.
I didn't stop. What seemed like a dead end a year ago had a secret passageway--there was a door I didn't see. One discovery led to another and... I found him.
I found out he didn't give me his full name--just the first two. Using those, I found at least five or six of his accounts. I can easily contact him now, but I am hesitant.
Why?
He was my first boyfriend. I'm not sure, but I think I was his first girlfriend as well. We were good friends before we took things to the next level. However, because of his immaturity and egocentrism and self-absorption, I left him. I wish I didn't have to, but even at age 15 I knew I couldn't put up with it. I sent him a note then disappeared.
I remember looking him up shortly after that. He never showed himself again. I saw a couple of his blogs and he never wrote about having any relationship. The slightest hint of that went along the lines of "I'm happy my friend won the girl over, as for me, I never really cared about love, nor do I care about it right now. We'll see if that changes at all."
I want closure. That's why I tried reaching out to two other guys I've had a thing with in the past, and lost touch with. I was mighty scared at first, because the reason those guys and I stopped talking was because things didn't work out. Either I hurt them, or they hurt me. I expected to be attacked once I introduced myself, but so far, so good, even with the nastiest parting I've ever had. To be honest, I am still searching for one last person, but things didn't end bad with that one, so I don't care as much. But Bruce? We definitely need closure.
Whether that girl he's with in that one picture is his girlfriend or not.
Whether Miles* and I are working out or not.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm so concerned about Bruce, when I am currently in need of a new job.
-Sighs.-
Dear Hotaru,
Nagisa finally found you. Nagisa will always find you. She's back to say she's sorry.
And "Let's continue our journey."
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Lilith: the love mess, the work complication and the murky future
The future is either blurry or clear. When it's clear, it's fucking crystal. When it's blurry... fuck, it isn't. I'm fucking blind and can't see a thing.
Congratulations to me. I will have my three-month anniversary at work this month. I made it (?!). Heh. Here's the thing: three of my friends, who are from the same department, already left. One was asked to resign, the other two left. Two of them are my teammates... two of them have the same position as mine. In other words, besides the fact that I am the only one working under my boss, I'm the only junior professional in the department.
The set-up at work has been shifty. The original agreement was that I report to my boss, along with two marketing peers--we handle different properties of the company. We report to our respective outlets in order to monitor operations and to constantly find opportunities for marketing activities; as well as build relationships with people relevant to the outlet. Upper Management decided to call everyone back into the main office and make everybody report there, and not the outlets. It seems they don't feel like we are accomplishing anything outside of the office (false, we accomplish a lot when we are at our outlets).
About a week later, UM gathered all the marketing people and those from other relevant departments into one group and gave the integrated team a name. We lost our bosses; we now attend to requests from any boss and we don't handle just one property. Around... another week later, we gained our bosses back! But... we still have special projects when any other boss requests for it and it has been assigned to us.
After my friends left (with a bang!), some of us from the "new team" (plus another department) were gathered for a meeting with someone from UM. We talked about the problematic outlets and were instructed to pick one, as we will be reporting there from now on--to improve sales, customer count, average checks, etc. We are to stay in that outlet until everything gets better. We are to come up with marketing ideas and to monitor operations, sales, etc. etc., to make sure that the restaurants/stores would stop losing.
(The main office is way up north. The outlet I'm originally assigned to is in the middle of Metro Manila. I love down south... and the new outlet I've been assigned to is way, way down south.
It's been declared that the "new team" will be having meetings twice a week--this'll be held at the main office. That means I'll have to report up north for the meeting, and leave for the south afterwards. Take note: I don't have a car. I take trains and buses and shit. It's basically a 2-hour travel time, considering the terrible traffic all over Manila.
It baffles me that in first world countries, you can travel for miles, from city to city and it'll only take your two hours. Metro Manila shouldn't be that big... but it can take you up to 5 hours traveling around if traffic is really fucked up. That's how shitty it is here. Holy shit.
My bags are packed. I just need money to get out of here... seriously.
Anyway.) As usual, the UM person did not believe in my abilities and did not hold back in showing it. The UMP has been up a lot of people's asses for reasons we wish we'd understand... and apparently is the reason for the quick turnovers in the company. If I did not like my own boss I would've already found myself a new job a month ago and left. However, I started looking yesterday... nothing good in the market, really, but I'm going to actively look now while I still have some spare time (and offset hours to use).
I am not having a very hard time coming up with ideas--there are a number of them, but I'm not sure they're feasible. Thank God, honestly, that there haven't been any meetings this week yet. Apparently, the ideas have to be presented as a proposal with a supporting budget. I've been asking for help from... well... "relevant" people and they give me short answers that help, but not much. I can't keep guessing; if I fuck up everything will backfire.
I wish my boss would get a better job offer somewhere else... and that her partner would also get a nice job somewhere else... so I'll feel free to go anytime. I used to be able to explain why I can't leave my boss (I have a great boss--intelligent, talented, nurturing, protective, considerate, supportive... and I am greatly needed after my teammates left), but now, I really don't know. It feels like I'm staying because I want to be a good support system--and that is fine because I don't feel like I'm being used.
I did warn my boss, though, that if my pride gets pissed on (because it's been trampled upon tons of times by that UM person. But hey, I'm still here because I'm tough [I think? Or I just need the job and can't leave!] and I don't want to leave my Commander-in-chief.
I didn't see all this coming.
Miles* and I have found a way to fix ourselves; and because of our work/life conditions we decided to get married as soon as possible to make things easier for us. It was actually my idea, because the distance and the stress makes everything unbearable. I believed that living under one roof would be beneficial to both of us because I believed that having each other would help. I believed the distance did make us colder, and that if we closed that distance, things would get better.
How many times did I ask to break up with him in the past couple of months, and actually meant it?
Whoops, did I really mean it, because why do we still talk every now and then, and why do we start acting like nothing happened after every fight, after every "I-am-so-done-with-this"?
I think I've reached the end of the line, and have been lingering because I couldn't accept it yet. I think we've been over for a while and I refuse to realize it.
I've lost every member of my support group. Mom and dad aren't counted, because I can't really bother them for that... they are permanently my first and last line of defense, but they just have too much on their plate. Holy fuck, I'm about to cry again, and for a strange reason this time: I can't take all this right now. I really need to curl up and disappear.
He promises not to yell, not to be impatient, to be respectful, to avoid being rude and mean, and breaks those same promises within the same hour. He promises to do something and only does it for a week, then forgets about it. I have to explain why I am short and snappy every single time I am, even when I've explained why a thousand times (too much stress). He does not try to take it easy on me or understand me.
He will say the same damn things, but I can assure you my actions are justified... and most of his aren't--he is rude to me only because he hates me. He doesn't want to be understanding, he doesn't care about supporting, comforting, and showing he cares for me, especially publicly. I tell him everything I need because it's easier, than expecting him to know everything...... and he doesn't give them to me. He refuses to, he gives excuses and always has reasons, he forgets.
He is not romantic or sweet anymore. I asked for that, because I can be like that if only he can promise to be good to me. Nope. Never mind.
He doesn't exert extra effort for me anymore. No, Miles, staying up isn't extra effort. It's routine. We both do that.
Extra effort is doing something out of the ordinary every now and then. NOT RARELY. It's how you keep a relationship alive.
But no. Never mind.
God, give me the strength to move on from this if it really isn't meant to be. Give me the opportunity to grab so I can move forward and up in life.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Congratulations to me. I will have my three-month anniversary at work this month. I made it (?!). Heh. Here's the thing: three of my friends, who are from the same department, already left. One was asked to resign, the other two left. Two of them are my teammates... two of them have the same position as mine. In other words, besides the fact that I am the only one working under my boss, I'm the only junior professional in the department.
The set-up at work has been shifty. The original agreement was that I report to my boss, along with two marketing peers--we handle different properties of the company. We report to our respective outlets in order to monitor operations and to constantly find opportunities for marketing activities; as well as build relationships with people relevant to the outlet. Upper Management decided to call everyone back into the main office and make everybody report there, and not the outlets. It seems they don't feel like we are accomplishing anything outside of the office (false, we accomplish a lot when we are at our outlets).
About a week later, UM gathered all the marketing people and those from other relevant departments into one group and gave the integrated team a name. We lost our bosses; we now attend to requests from any boss and we don't handle just one property. Around... another week later, we gained our bosses back! But... we still have special projects when any other boss requests for it and it has been assigned to us.
After my friends left (with a bang!), some of us from the "new team" (plus another department) were gathered for a meeting with someone from UM. We talked about the problematic outlets and were instructed to pick one, as we will be reporting there from now on--to improve sales, customer count, average checks, etc. We are to stay in that outlet until everything gets better. We are to come up with marketing ideas and to monitor operations, sales, etc. etc., to make sure that the restaurants/stores would stop losing.
(The main office is way up north. The outlet I'm originally assigned to is in the middle of Metro Manila. I love down south... and the new outlet I've been assigned to is way, way down south.
It's been declared that the "new team" will be having meetings twice a week--this'll be held at the main office. That means I'll have to report up north for the meeting, and leave for the south afterwards. Take note: I don't have a car. I take trains and buses and shit. It's basically a 2-hour travel time, considering the terrible traffic all over Manila.
It baffles me that in first world countries, you can travel for miles, from city to city and it'll only take your two hours. Metro Manila shouldn't be that big... but it can take you up to 5 hours traveling around if traffic is really fucked up. That's how shitty it is here. Holy shit.
My bags are packed. I just need money to get out of here... seriously.
Anyway.) As usual, the UM person did not believe in my abilities and did not hold back in showing it. The UMP has been up a lot of people's asses for reasons we wish we'd understand... and apparently is the reason for the quick turnovers in the company. If I did not like my own boss I would've already found myself a new job a month ago and left. However, I started looking yesterday... nothing good in the market, really, but I'm going to actively look now while I still have some spare time (and offset hours to use).
I am not having a very hard time coming up with ideas--there are a number of them, but I'm not sure they're feasible. Thank God, honestly, that there haven't been any meetings this week yet. Apparently, the ideas have to be presented as a proposal with a supporting budget. I've been asking for help from... well... "relevant" people and they give me short answers that help, but not much. I can't keep guessing; if I fuck up everything will backfire.
I wish my boss would get a better job offer somewhere else... and that her partner would also get a nice job somewhere else... so I'll feel free to go anytime. I used to be able to explain why I can't leave my boss (I have a great boss--intelligent, talented, nurturing, protective, considerate, supportive... and I am greatly needed after my teammates left), but now, I really don't know. It feels like I'm staying because I want to be a good support system--and that is fine because I don't feel like I'm being used.
I did warn my boss, though, that if my pride gets pissed on (because it's been trampled upon tons of times by that UM person. But hey, I'm still here because I'm tough [I think? Or I just need the job and can't leave!] and I don't want to leave my Commander-in-chief.
I didn't see all this coming.
Miles* and I have found a way to fix ourselves; and because of our work/life conditions we decided to get married as soon as possible to make things easier for us. It was actually my idea, because the distance and the stress makes everything unbearable. I believed that living under one roof would be beneficial to both of us because I believed that having each other would help. I believed the distance did make us colder, and that if we closed that distance, things would get better.
How many times did I ask to break up with him in the past couple of months, and actually meant it?
Whoops, did I really mean it, because why do we still talk every now and then, and why do we start acting like nothing happened after every fight, after every "I-am-so-done-with-this"?
I think I've reached the end of the line, and have been lingering because I couldn't accept it yet. I think we've been over for a while and I refuse to realize it.
I've lost every member of my support group. Mom and dad aren't counted, because I can't really bother them for that... they are permanently my first and last line of defense, but they just have too much on their plate. Holy fuck, I'm about to cry again, and for a strange reason this time: I can't take all this right now. I really need to curl up and disappear.
He promises not to yell, not to be impatient, to be respectful, to avoid being rude and mean, and breaks those same promises within the same hour. He promises to do something and only does it for a week, then forgets about it. I have to explain why I am short and snappy every single time I am, even when I've explained why a thousand times (too much stress). He does not try to take it easy on me or understand me.
He will say the same damn things, but I can assure you my actions are justified... and most of his aren't--he is rude to me only because he hates me. He doesn't want to be understanding, he doesn't care about supporting, comforting, and showing he cares for me, especially publicly. I tell him everything I need because it's easier, than expecting him to know everything...... and he doesn't give them to me. He refuses to, he gives excuses and always has reasons, he forgets.
He is not romantic or sweet anymore. I asked for that, because I can be like that if only he can promise to be good to me. Nope. Never mind.
He doesn't exert extra effort for me anymore. No, Miles, staying up isn't extra effort. It's routine. We both do that.
Extra effort is doing something out of the ordinary every now and then. NOT RARELY. It's how you keep a relationship alive.
But no. Never mind.
God, give me the strength to move on from this if it really isn't meant to be. Give me the opportunity to grab so I can move forward and up in life.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Lilith: Finally--hello employment, goodbye relationship
I am fighting tears (never mind, they're POURING now) as I am writing this right now. I am so conflicted about everything happening in my life that I just don't know where to start--literally. I don't know where to start financially, socially, career-wise, health-wise and relationship-wise. I've never felt this broken in a long time.
After turning down a high offer from a company that I judged based on their reputation, corporate structure and culture, I couldn't help but accept the painfully low offer from the company I chose (very low basic pay--exactly the same amount as my previous job's, but with an additional allowance--so it's only slightly higher) because of the quality of the work experience and the company's high reputation.
I was heartbroken, to be honest, because that means I cannot afford a dorm that's just around the office. I have to settle for very long commutes, despite how bad and unpredictable the weather is here (not to mention the prevalence of crime, and the terrible traffic situation). I can't save up for the things I badly need for my future endeavors (a good laptop and a professional camera, lenses, etc.) and I don't really make enough to do something to improve my lifestyle. I can only count on the 'raise' they'll be giving me once I become a regular employee (it can only get so high, right?) and I'm not even sure if my pay will improve after my probationary period.
I'm only clinging on to the encouraging words a few friends and family have given me. They know my situation and they tell me that I'm doing the right thing, and that everything is okay. But other than that, I'm still pretty broken.
I'm so stressed about the life-changing events all happening seemingly at the same time in my life. I'm entering a slightly different sub-field of my college major and I am desperate to perform well at work. I am also paranoid about dealing with people and handling a possibly heavy workload given all the other baggage that taking this job came with. Aside from that, my weight and health have deteriorated slightly over the past weeks. I'm starting work tomorrow (not even a week's notice!) and I'm coming down with a bad cold.
It doesn't end there. I am seriously considering ending my long-term relationship with Miles*. He is becoming worse and worse everyday, more and more careless and hateful towards me. I don't think we see eye-to-eye about most things anymore. I am constantly shocked to discover that his views about some things have become the complete opposite of what they originally were. Apparently, we used to agree about many things before--now that we're older and see the world differently, our opinions have probably changed. This time, though, we're a little upset about each other's views.
I think I've struggled and fought so hard to stay, told myself that maybe this is just another test because we're hitting the six-year mark by the beginning of next year. He has become lax and lazy, so I have become angry, so he has become vengeful, so I have become vengeful, so he has become hateful, so I have become hateful, so he has become worse, so I have grown tired of him, so he has grown tired of me. We've basically given up on each other and are only feeding on the good days and the nice things we can get out of each other. We live on that, but there's just too little of it to survive in the relationship. He still wants to work things out (meaning, he wants me to be okay with all the offensive things he does and allow him to take me for granted) but breaking up sounds more tempting to me. He will only pull me down--his existence has done that to me for years, and because he's not the kind, understanding, gentle and eager-to-please guy he was when I first met him, I don't see why I should keep stretching this out. I should just cut it.
People will always say it's the distance or the difference in culture. But unless you are in a 90% similar relationship, I can't really agree with you. People will never understand what it's like. He and I don't like the distance, but we managed because we wanted to be together. He blames the distance, too, for all the bad stuff that happens between us, but I don't have the same sentiments. We couldn't do anything about it, so we'll just have to deal with it--thus, our situation requires a different kind of effort to show our dedication. I have it, but he doesn't. His priorities are always self-centered, and I'm never on top of his list. It's fine to put other things before me sometimes, but he ALWAYS chooses to put other things before me, expecting me to be okay with it. If they were absolutely important--you know, work or family or health-related, for example, that's fine. But if it's something completely shallow, something you don't have to do right away, and you put it before a person you claim to be the love of your life when they specifically asked you to be there for them because they need you.... well... you don't know your priorities.
If you cannot handle being in a relationship, don't be. If you're too busy with work half of the time and being a carefree child the other half of the time, DO NOT LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND. You are not only wasting their time, effort and money, you are also giving them heartache. It's extra stress that a person does not need in this fast-paced world. Do not, at all costs, pretend to invest yourself in a girlfriend or boyfriend if you are DETACHED--unless that's what you both want--to be detached.
All he cares about now is his own happiness, and apparently, I appear to be the same way. We've gone from selfless to completely selfish. The only good thing about this relationship is the fact that we don't cheat on each other. But hey, is that really enough to stay in a relationship?
I don't even want to think about being in a relationship right now. I don't want that at all. I just want to be healthy, to have the career I want, to travel, see the world and share good moments with the people I love. A relationship doesn't sound or look attractive to me right now. I'm about ready to gag on every disgustingly sappy couple I encounter in real life and online. Love, a relationship and all the bullshit that come with it just sounds like a big hassle to me. It feels like work. Let's face it, most people don't like the idea of work.
I think one of the reasons I was pissed about turning down a great offer (and finding out the job offer I picked was much lower) was mainly because of Miles. If, when he visits me, I'll have to spend a lot of money on the accommodations, travel, food, etc. If I don't have him, I wouldn't have to worry about my low income anymore. I can just worry about my own future.
The Lilith from yesterday would be surprised at how much courage the Lilith right now has. She will be shocked at how decided I am about ending this dysfunctional relationship.
Sorry, Old Lilith, but your boyfriend just doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. You've tried asking nicely, demanding, crying, shouting, threatening, begging.... basically everything, and he just doesn't budge anymore. Apparently, so do you. Maybe you've started to outgrow each other.
He just bullshits too much, always says one thing but does another thing. Always promises to be there for you but is never there. Always promises to respect you but always insults you. Always promises to be dedicated but you end up doing everything, even the things he's supposed to do. You don't deserve it. You don't need a relationship to be happy--all you need is a good life. You can worry about a partner later on.
To be honest, I'm thinking way far ahead--as in, if we break up, and I still don't want a relationship two years from now, but I'm financially stable and I want a kid, I'll just get an AI. I don't need to get married to have a kid.
I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I don't seem to be scared to lose him. I wonder if I am even confident enough for that. All I know right now is I don't need the extra baggage because I have many other important things to consider in my life.
I gave him another ultimatum--if he wants me to be with him, he should go back to being the guy I met moving forward. Only then will I trust that our relationship will get better--why? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the only reason I'm an asshole is because he's an asshole. Neither one of us wants to step down. We used to, before, but things are different now. I'm willing to, but he never is--and I can't accept that. It's unjust and unfair.
If he can't promise me he'll be mister nice guy, I can't promise him I'll be a good partner... because I promise you, I've tried being the first to step down all the time. I've done everything he asked me to do and he still treats me like shit. He can still take me or leave me and I should just be okay with that.
Anyway, maybe we should toast to the future and drink to the past.
Or something. We'll see how this progresses within the week.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
After turning down a high offer from a company that I judged based on their reputation, corporate structure and culture, I couldn't help but accept the painfully low offer from the company I chose (very low basic pay--exactly the same amount as my previous job's, but with an additional allowance--so it's only slightly higher) because of the quality of the work experience and the company's high reputation.
I was heartbroken, to be honest, because that means I cannot afford a dorm that's just around the office. I have to settle for very long commutes, despite how bad and unpredictable the weather is here (not to mention the prevalence of crime, and the terrible traffic situation). I can't save up for the things I badly need for my future endeavors (a good laptop and a professional camera, lenses, etc.) and I don't really make enough to do something to improve my lifestyle. I can only count on the 'raise' they'll be giving me once I become a regular employee (it can only get so high, right?) and I'm not even sure if my pay will improve after my probationary period.
I'm only clinging on to the encouraging words a few friends and family have given me. They know my situation and they tell me that I'm doing the right thing, and that everything is okay. But other than that, I'm still pretty broken.
I'm so stressed about the life-changing events all happening seemingly at the same time in my life. I'm entering a slightly different sub-field of my college major and I am desperate to perform well at work. I am also paranoid about dealing with people and handling a possibly heavy workload given all the other baggage that taking this job came with. Aside from that, my weight and health have deteriorated slightly over the past weeks. I'm starting work tomorrow (not even a week's notice!) and I'm coming down with a bad cold.
It doesn't end there. I am seriously considering ending my long-term relationship with Miles*. He is becoming worse and worse everyday, more and more careless and hateful towards me. I don't think we see eye-to-eye about most things anymore. I am constantly shocked to discover that his views about some things have become the complete opposite of what they originally were. Apparently, we used to agree about many things before--now that we're older and see the world differently, our opinions have probably changed. This time, though, we're a little upset about each other's views.
I think I've struggled and fought so hard to stay, told myself that maybe this is just another test because we're hitting the six-year mark by the beginning of next year. He has become lax and lazy, so I have become angry, so he has become vengeful, so I have become vengeful, so he has become hateful, so I have become hateful, so he has become worse, so I have grown tired of him, so he has grown tired of me. We've basically given up on each other and are only feeding on the good days and the nice things we can get out of each other. We live on that, but there's just too little of it to survive in the relationship. He still wants to work things out (meaning, he wants me to be okay with all the offensive things he does and allow him to take me for granted) but breaking up sounds more tempting to me. He will only pull me down--his existence has done that to me for years, and because he's not the kind, understanding, gentle and eager-to-please guy he was when I first met him, I don't see why I should keep stretching this out. I should just cut it.
People will always say it's the distance or the difference in culture. But unless you are in a 90% similar relationship, I can't really agree with you. People will never understand what it's like. He and I don't like the distance, but we managed because we wanted to be together. He blames the distance, too, for all the bad stuff that happens between us, but I don't have the same sentiments. We couldn't do anything about it, so we'll just have to deal with it--thus, our situation requires a different kind of effort to show our dedication. I have it, but he doesn't. His priorities are always self-centered, and I'm never on top of his list. It's fine to put other things before me sometimes, but he ALWAYS chooses to put other things before me, expecting me to be okay with it. If they were absolutely important--you know, work or family or health-related, for example, that's fine. But if it's something completely shallow, something you don't have to do right away, and you put it before a person you claim to be the love of your life when they specifically asked you to be there for them because they need you.... well... you don't know your priorities.
If you cannot handle being in a relationship, don't be. If you're too busy with work half of the time and being a carefree child the other half of the time, DO NOT LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND. You are not only wasting their time, effort and money, you are also giving them heartache. It's extra stress that a person does not need in this fast-paced world. Do not, at all costs, pretend to invest yourself in a girlfriend or boyfriend if you are DETACHED--unless that's what you both want--to be detached.
All he cares about now is his own happiness, and apparently, I appear to be the same way. We've gone from selfless to completely selfish. The only good thing about this relationship is the fact that we don't cheat on each other. But hey, is that really enough to stay in a relationship?
I don't even want to think about being in a relationship right now. I don't want that at all. I just want to be healthy, to have the career I want, to travel, see the world and share good moments with the people I love. A relationship doesn't sound or look attractive to me right now. I'm about ready to gag on every disgustingly sappy couple I encounter in real life and online. Love, a relationship and all the bullshit that come with it just sounds like a big hassle to me. It feels like work. Let's face it, most people don't like the idea of work.
I think one of the reasons I was pissed about turning down a great offer (and finding out the job offer I picked was much lower) was mainly because of Miles. If, when he visits me, I'll have to spend a lot of money on the accommodations, travel, food, etc. If I don't have him, I wouldn't have to worry about my low income anymore. I can just worry about my own future.
The Lilith from yesterday would be surprised at how much courage the Lilith right now has. She will be shocked at how decided I am about ending this dysfunctional relationship.
Sorry, Old Lilith, but your boyfriend just doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. You've tried asking nicely, demanding, crying, shouting, threatening, begging.... basically everything, and he just doesn't budge anymore. Apparently, so do you. Maybe you've started to outgrow each other.
He just bullshits too much, always says one thing but does another thing. Always promises to be there for you but is never there. Always promises to respect you but always insults you. Always promises to be dedicated but you end up doing everything, even the things he's supposed to do. You don't deserve it. You don't need a relationship to be happy--all you need is a good life. You can worry about a partner later on.
To be honest, I'm thinking way far ahead--as in, if we break up, and I still don't want a relationship two years from now, but I'm financially stable and I want a kid, I'll just get an AI. I don't need to get married to have a kid.
I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I don't seem to be scared to lose him. I wonder if I am even confident enough for that. All I know right now is I don't need the extra baggage because I have many other important things to consider in my life.
I gave him another ultimatum--if he wants me to be with him, he should go back to being the guy I met moving forward. Only then will I trust that our relationship will get better--why? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the only reason I'm an asshole is because he's an asshole. Neither one of us wants to step down. We used to, before, but things are different now. I'm willing to, but he never is--and I can't accept that. It's unjust and unfair.
If he can't promise me he'll be mister nice guy, I can't promise him I'll be a good partner... because I promise you, I've tried being the first to step down all the time. I've done everything he asked me to do and he still treats me like shit. He can still take me or leave me and I should just be okay with that.
Anyway, maybe we should toast to the future and drink to the past.
Or something. We'll see how this progresses within the week.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
ATYT: How I decide that it's the right job for me
I have a problem--and that is, up until today, my career life has remained stagnant.
I know I'm only supposed to choose wisely, but not be picky. However, there are some things that indicate that the job I'm applying for isn't the right one for me:
1. The job's nature. If it's a sales job, or something that requires A LOT of exposure to different people on a daily basis, it isn't for me. Those types of jobs take so much energy for me, and, coming from experience, makes me want to lock myself up in my room all throughout the weekend because I know it's the only place where I can get my alone time.
2. The company's reputation. If the employer is from the industry I majored in, good. If it's slightly off (pharmaceutical distributors, FMCG, etc.), it has to be a big, or well-known firm. I would trust that I'd be in good hands because these organizations, I'm sure, have a good track record in terms of taking care of their employees.
3. The culture I've observed during the interview. There can be misconceptions regarding a workplace's culture. I was actually pretty nervous when I first had my job, because I had only met the people who interviewed me at the time, and they were the only ones I was sure were nice. I remember overhearing other employees in the background and feeling intimidated because I was so sure I haven't encountered people like them before. I was wrong, though--my co-workers were awesome.
I still observe, though, every time I am interviewed, the atmosphere of the workplace. I was crushed twice because I liked two of them so much but I had to decline the first one's offer, and the second one seemed to have hired somebody else. What I liked was the aura the people gave off in those offices--they were positive. I could feel not just the hard work, but the drive, the optimism, the support and openness of these people. They hired the right people, I could tell--because they were operating under the guidance of their company's values.
I've recently encountered an office with bad vibes in them. The employees were a little rude, unfriendly, stuck in their own little worlds, weren't afraid to show their bad sides, PLUS a previous employee came in and was cursing under his breath about how people in that office had NO MANNERS.
I'm not sure about this one job I applied for--it seems that the company is looking for very specific people--people from upper-middle to upper class statuses. Some of the questions asked implied it--they were trying to find out if you were well-off. It's understandable, because it will help you in your career there. I just find it... unfair, I think. The people are nice, it seems, but if I ever get hired, I'm sure I'll always feel uneasy wearing generic clothes, eating cheap food, et cetera. It's a prestigious company, the people are great, a job there would look good on my resume. But there's that... I'm-too-poor-for-you factor, and the nature of the job is too similar to the one I had before (which I was hoping to leave behind me x.x).
4. The office layout. Believe it or not, if you want effective employees, you'd want to invest in a nice office. I think that privacy is key for every individual. Semi-privacy (short cubes with glass windows) is okay. But one long freaking table? That guarantees the person you're sitting beside is peeking at your work and that your bags and stuff are side-by-side? Um. That makes me uncomfortable. I think I've been spoiled by my previous employer--we were given private cubes--lots of space, just a solitary window by the entrance, but you're basically facing walls in three corners. How cool is that? You can talk to people from the area, because it's pretty small (yet spacey), but unless somebody passes by your cube, nobody can observe how your fix your wedgie or adjust your bra or whatever. Also, you're not allowed to, but you can eat in secret with tall cubes like the ones in my previous job. Ahhhhh, I regret leaving. Gah. -_-
I don't like cramped spaces. I'd also prefer not to have people working behind, or in front of me unless we're separated by cube walls. Of course, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get lucky and get to work in a really awesome office. It's pretty much hit-or-miss in this aspect.
I've also encountered horrible offices recently. Gawd. One was a startup "company", they had two brands under it, and they all worked in one freaking room. Like, one unit. It looked like an examination room. People were sitting around each other and a lot of the chairs were plastic. There was no receiving area, and the "office" also doubled as a warehouse where they keep their products. Everybody was in the same room--from the IT people to the creative people to the management people to the general services people... just... every "department" (I keep putting quotation marks because it's a very small company) was in the same room. Ugh.
Another office looked like a classroom. Yes, there were cubes. But there were just too many people in one space, not separated by walls. The cubes are short, too, and windowed. Plus, there was a strange seating arrangement--people worked in rows. So you had people working behind you, and there are people working behind them, etc. It was too cramped. You can kick the person in front of you. *Sigh*
I'll definitely add more to this list if I think of any new considerations. I know I've been ranting about being jobless FOREVER, but I can't really afford to have short-term jobs anymore. I don't want to just work, I want a career... so I have to make sure I can stay for as long as I like at a company that doesn't shred goddamn pounds off me for too many reasons.
I hope my next job will have more pros than cons...
Wish me luck.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
I know I'm only supposed to choose wisely, but not be picky. However, there are some things that indicate that the job I'm applying for isn't the right one for me:
1. The job's nature. If it's a sales job, or something that requires A LOT of exposure to different people on a daily basis, it isn't for me. Those types of jobs take so much energy for me, and, coming from experience, makes me want to lock myself up in my room all throughout the weekend because I know it's the only place where I can get my alone time.
2. The company's reputation. If the employer is from the industry I majored in, good. If it's slightly off (pharmaceutical distributors, FMCG, etc.), it has to be a big, or well-known firm. I would trust that I'd be in good hands because these organizations, I'm sure, have a good track record in terms of taking care of their employees.
3. The culture I've observed during the interview. There can be misconceptions regarding a workplace's culture. I was actually pretty nervous when I first had my job, because I had only met the people who interviewed me at the time, and they were the only ones I was sure were nice. I remember overhearing other employees in the background and feeling intimidated because I was so sure I haven't encountered people like them before. I was wrong, though--my co-workers were awesome.
I still observe, though, every time I am interviewed, the atmosphere of the workplace. I was crushed twice because I liked two of them so much but I had to decline the first one's offer, and the second one seemed to have hired somebody else. What I liked was the aura the people gave off in those offices--they were positive. I could feel not just the hard work, but the drive, the optimism, the support and openness of these people. They hired the right people, I could tell--because they were operating under the guidance of their company's values.
I've recently encountered an office with bad vibes in them. The employees were a little rude, unfriendly, stuck in their own little worlds, weren't afraid to show their bad sides, PLUS a previous employee came in and was cursing under his breath about how people in that office had NO MANNERS.
I'm not sure about this one job I applied for--it seems that the company is looking for very specific people--people from upper-middle to upper class statuses. Some of the questions asked implied it--they were trying to find out if you were well-off. It's understandable, because it will help you in your career there. I just find it... unfair, I think. The people are nice, it seems, but if I ever get hired, I'm sure I'll always feel uneasy wearing generic clothes, eating cheap food, et cetera. It's a prestigious company, the people are great, a job there would look good on my resume. But there's that... I'm-too-poor-for-you factor, and the nature of the job is too similar to the one I had before (which I was hoping to leave behind me x.x).
4. The office layout. Believe it or not, if you want effective employees, you'd want to invest in a nice office. I think that privacy is key for every individual. Semi-privacy (short cubes with glass windows) is okay. But one long freaking table? That guarantees the person you're sitting beside is peeking at your work and that your bags and stuff are side-by-side? Um. That makes me uncomfortable. I think I've been spoiled by my previous employer--we were given private cubes--lots of space, just a solitary window by the entrance, but you're basically facing walls in three corners. How cool is that? You can talk to people from the area, because it's pretty small (yet spacey), but unless somebody passes by your cube, nobody can observe how your fix your wedgie or adjust your bra or whatever. Also, you're not allowed to, but you can eat in secret with tall cubes like the ones in my previous job. Ahhhhh, I regret leaving. Gah. -_-
I don't like cramped spaces. I'd also prefer not to have people working behind, or in front of me unless we're separated by cube walls. Of course, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get lucky and get to work in a really awesome office. It's pretty much hit-or-miss in this aspect.
I've also encountered horrible offices recently. Gawd. One was a startup "company", they had two brands under it, and they all worked in one freaking room. Like, one unit. It looked like an examination room. People were sitting around each other and a lot of the chairs were plastic. There was no receiving area, and the "office" also doubled as a warehouse where they keep their products. Everybody was in the same room--from the IT people to the creative people to the management people to the general services people... just... every "department" (I keep putting quotation marks because it's a very small company) was in the same room. Ugh.
Another office looked like a classroom. Yes, there were cubes. But there were just too many people in one space, not separated by walls. The cubes are short, too, and windowed. Plus, there was a strange seating arrangement--people worked in rows. So you had people working behind you, and there are people working behind them, etc. It was too cramped. You can kick the person in front of you. *Sigh*
I'll definitely add more to this list if I think of any new considerations. I know I've been ranting about being jobless FOREVER, but I can't really afford to have short-term jobs anymore. I don't want to just work, I want a career... so I have to make sure I can stay for as long as I like at a company that doesn't shred goddamn pounds off me for too many reasons.
I hope my next job will have more pros than cons...
Wish me luck.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Friday, August 2, 2013
Lilith: Toll fees
The title is not literal.
I suck. I used to write very good blog posts... back in my not-so-anonymous blogs. Now I can only sigh at the length and the frustrating lack of passion in every word I seem to post on here. I think the best one has been the very first entry—but I guess all this—this hollow sensation I’m getting—is just because I feel like my life has no real purpose right now. I’m unemployed, having a hard time looking for a job, probably being rejected by all the firms I’ve sent applications to and that have screened me, and probably made a stupid mistake turning down a job offer only because it will ruin my health.
(Only ruin my health? Really? “Only”?
(hmm, guess I still made the right decision...?))
I think my depression shows through my eating and sleeping habits: my appetite has been weak for almost two months now. I gained back the ten pounds I lost when I was still employed, but I’m not exactly healthy. I think I eat half the amount of what I usually do, which is 50% less than the right amount of food intake if I want to reach my goal weight. More meat! More carbs! More veggies! But nope. I’m too depressed right now to even get excited over my favorite dishes. That, ladies and gentlemen, got me very worried.
I discovered something—with the right kind of rice, and with some chopsticks I can eat as much as I can without having to deal much with my PMS-y appetite. But we didn’t have any chopsticks, so I ate with one hand, using a fork. For everything.
I think there’s a certain appeal to eating with one hand as opposed to two; an appeal to only being able to put so much in your mouth at one time. A spoon can easily ruin that—especially a big one (which we have and use. Can’t stand it! Toads have bigger mouths than I do!).
I think there’s a deeper science with eating food. Duh. There definitely is—it’s psychology. If people who work in the food industry know there’s a proper way to eat certain foods (y’know, what wine goes with what, what type of pasta or cheese to use with what dish, etc.), then there are ways to literally eat food that will make them taste better for you.
I think M&M’s taste better when you crush them with your teeth while they’re lying vertically between them. When I was in high school, I knew a couple of people that ate their potato chips by crushing the contents and getting a plastic spoon to scoop the crushed bits with. I’ve heard of people using ketchup for everything—yes, even for dishes with soup. *Shudder*
Here’s my fascination with consuming only tiny, bite-sized amounts of food in my mouth—figured it always leaves you wanting more. Our helper’s cooking is a carbon copy of my mom’s, so there’s no room for disinterest. I thought how embarrassing it would be if people actually saw me eating with just a fork, but you have to do something to maintain your health.
I keep running out of companies to send applications to. I’ve looked up Top 1000 companies and sent applications even to whatever hasn’t been included in the list. I was stupid not to start searching right after I left my job.
Ugh, but I needed to rest. I was a wreck—I literally looked like a zombie back then. You’ve no idea.
If I wasn’t so goddamned unhealthy, I could’ve just saw to it that I’d have a place to go to after leaving work. Oh, well, I’m young and stupid. Young people make mistakes (but they’re pretty fucking dumb if they repeat them... so that means I’m brainless!) and I figured the best way to learn from something is to learn it the hard way.
I’ve gotten lost so many times, but it’s because of those moments of darkness that I am now enlightened.
Shit, did the brainless Lilith just say something cool? Uh oh, damn, now I’m gonna be popular. Hey, want me to sign your shirt? Your butt?
Kidding aside.
I give myself brain damage by smashing my head against the wall everyday out of sheer self-disappointment... but something keeps telling me that I’m still doing the right thing. I mean, I’m doing my best. I’ve done nothing but look for jobs and send applications besides reading books, watching and reading the news, eating, bathing and sleeping.
I suck. I used to write very good blog posts... back in my not-so-anonymous blogs. Now I can only sigh at the length and the frustrating lack of passion in every word I seem to post on here. I think the best one has been the very first entry—but I guess all this—this hollow sensation I’m getting—is just because I feel like my life has no real purpose right now. I’m unemployed, having a hard time looking for a job, probably being rejected by all the firms I’ve sent applications to and that have screened me, and probably made a stupid mistake turning down a job offer only because it will ruin my health.
(Only ruin my health? Really? “Only”?
(hmm, guess I still made the right decision...?))
I think my depression shows through my eating and sleeping habits: my appetite has been weak for almost two months now. I gained back the ten pounds I lost when I was still employed, but I’m not exactly healthy. I think I eat half the amount of what I usually do, which is 50% less than the right amount of food intake if I want to reach my goal weight. More meat! More carbs! More veggies! But nope. I’m too depressed right now to even get excited over my favorite dishes. That, ladies and gentlemen, got me very worried.
I discovered something—with the right kind of rice, and with some chopsticks I can eat as much as I can without having to deal much with my PMS-y appetite. But we didn’t have any chopsticks, so I ate with one hand, using a fork. For everything.
I think there’s a certain appeal to eating with one hand as opposed to two; an appeal to only being able to put so much in your mouth at one time. A spoon can easily ruin that—especially a big one (which we have and use. Can’t stand it! Toads have bigger mouths than I do!).
I think there’s a deeper science with eating food. Duh. There definitely is—it’s psychology. If people who work in the food industry know there’s a proper way to eat certain foods (y’know, what wine goes with what, what type of pasta or cheese to use with what dish, etc.), then there are ways to literally eat food that will make them taste better for you.
I think M&M’s taste better when you crush them with your teeth while they’re lying vertically between them. When I was in high school, I knew a couple of people that ate their potato chips by crushing the contents and getting a plastic spoon to scoop the crushed bits with. I’ve heard of people using ketchup for everything—yes, even for dishes with soup. *Shudder*
Here’s my fascination with consuming only tiny, bite-sized amounts of food in my mouth—figured it always leaves you wanting more. Our helper’s cooking is a carbon copy of my mom’s, so there’s no room for disinterest. I thought how embarrassing it would be if people actually saw me eating with just a fork, but you have to do something to maintain your health.
I keep running out of companies to send applications to. I’ve looked up Top 1000 companies and sent applications even to whatever hasn’t been included in the list. I was stupid not to start searching right after I left my job.
Ugh, but I needed to rest. I was a wreck—I literally looked like a zombie back then. You’ve no idea.
If I wasn’t so goddamned unhealthy, I could’ve just saw to it that I’d have a place to go to after leaving work. Oh, well, I’m young and stupid. Young people make mistakes (but they’re pretty fucking dumb if they repeat them... so that means I’m brainless!) and I figured the best way to learn from something is to learn it the hard way.
I’ve gotten lost so many times, but it’s because of those moments of darkness that I am now enlightened.
Shit, did the brainless Lilith just say something cool? Uh oh, damn, now I’m gonna be popular. Hey, want me to sign your shirt? Your butt?
Kidding aside.
I give myself brain damage by smashing my head against the wall everyday out of sheer self-disappointment... but something keeps telling me that I’m still doing the right thing. I mean, I’m doing my best. I’ve done nothing but look for jobs and send applications besides reading books, watching and reading the news, eating, bathing and sleeping.
I’m on the right track. I’m on the right
track. I’m on the right track.
Right?
Monday, July 29, 2013
ATYT: Creeping on Alaska
I’m ashamed to have barely read
over six books in the past six years, so I downloaded a ton of e-books to
remedy that. I downloaded novels from authors with resounding names first, then
ones with compelling plots. I figured I needed to read more local books because
local literature is so rich, and it portrays (what you already know about) your
culture on a deeper and more edifying, yet intimate level.
Dear All: this is not a review.
I don’t do reviews, because I feel that to be entitled to review something,
especially literary pieces, music, films or visual art, you have to have at
least enough knowledge about the subject in general. Also, people should be
able to trust your taste somehow, and your analytical abilities.
When I try to think of an example of a bad review, I remember one of my friends from my previous job talking about awful food blogs over lunch. As we struggled to keep the food in our mouths, we listened to her vocally fake-blogging:
“The dish was so........ good. I can really taste... the salt and the pepper in it. It’s just so... great!”
“It has a hint of... what do you call it? Sugar!”
When I try to think of an example of a bad review, I remember one of my friends from my previous job talking about awful food blogs over lunch. As we struggled to keep the food in our mouths, we listened to her vocally fake-blogging:
“The dish was so........ good. I can really taste... the salt and the pepper in it. It’s just so... great!”
“It has a hint of... what do you call it? Sugar!”
Obviously because I’m a master
of none (except convincing people to agree with me/unconscious hypnotism???),
you can’t really trust a review when I make one. Not until I can trust myself
with that.
Ergo, here’s my deal with J. Green’s Looking for Alaska: after reading a third of it, I’m not sure I can say that I like it. I want to like books, no matter what the genre, for the simple reason that books are the shit. I used to believe every that no book is bullshit, but for some reason, I keep picking up the wrong books all the time. Seriously, every time I decide I don’t want to read them any further, my heart breaks. So my heart broke over and over again with every page of Alaska.
Ergo, here’s my deal with J. Green’s Looking for Alaska: after reading a third of it, I’m not sure I can say that I like it. I want to like books, no matter what the genre, for the simple reason that books are the shit. I used to believe every that no book is bullshit, but for some reason, I keep picking up the wrong books all the time. Seriously, every time I decide I don’t want to read them any further, my heart breaks. So my heart broke over and over again with every page of Alaska.
Forgive me, Mr. Green, but your
novel reeks of Hugh* (other than that... it's pretty awesome). I him Hugh because I don’t care enough to look up a fitting name (oh, really, Lil,
but you care enough to explain, to get defensive when nobody even cares?), but
mostly because majority of the letters spell UGH. And that is the
feeling I get when I come across Hugh: ugh.
Before I continue, I think this dude needs an introduction—
Hugh was one of the horrible men I fell hard for, for no particular (and most probably foolish) reasons when I was in my late teens. He was intelligent and funny, but creepy, intolerably eccentric, abusive, inconsiderate, stubborn, thick and slow (believe me when I say that people with high IQs can be slow and thick, UGH). He emotionally blackmailed me on purpose both to punish me; oh, and there’s a 99% chance he considered my suffering rather orgasmic. But, more than anything, Hugh was just weird, just too goddamn weird...
He liked vore, and had a mouth and stomach fetish. By stomach, I mean the INSIDE of the stomach, where you digest food. He wants to be peed on and vomited on (good lord...). He claims to be submissive in bed, which I’m sure is boring, and likes to go down on women not because it pleases them, not because he likes the act itself, but because he likes being sat on, being underneath, and feeling like the woman is towering over him. In the end, his vorarephilic ass will get the better of him. And you, if you even consider dating him.
Before I continue, I think this dude needs an introduction—
Hugh was one of the horrible men I fell hard for, for no particular (and most probably foolish) reasons when I was in my late teens. He was intelligent and funny, but creepy, intolerably eccentric, abusive, inconsiderate, stubborn, thick and slow (believe me when I say that people with high IQs can be slow and thick, UGH). He emotionally blackmailed me on purpose both to punish me; oh, and there’s a 99% chance he considered my suffering rather orgasmic. But, more than anything, Hugh was just weird, just too goddamn weird...
He liked vore, and had a mouth and stomach fetish. By stomach, I mean the INSIDE of the stomach, where you digest food. He wants to be peed on and vomited on (good lord...). He claims to be submissive in bed, which I’m sure is boring, and likes to go down on women not because it pleases them, not because he likes the act itself, but because he likes being sat on, being underneath, and feeling like the woman is towering over him. In the end, his vorarephilic ass will get the better of him. And you, if you even consider dating him.
Listen, if you’re into vore,
feet, scat, or whatever, dude, I don’t care. But once you cross the line (e.g.
talking about things I find disturbing, which may or may not involve your
strange fetish, after I politely ask you not to) I get mad. I get furious.
Ladies and gentlemen: Hugh!
Okay, Pudge from Looking for Alaska may not resemble Hugh, and I’m still trying to put my finger on what exactly I find Hugh-like (a.k.a. annoying) about the protagonist. They must be on similar intellectual levels, also the fact that they are tall, have strange-looking bodies, have lewd thoughts about girls, the lack of romantic relationships in their lives, basically, their creepiness towards girls. It doesn’t help that I share some qualities with Alaska, who Miles lusts after, and that Alaska’s boyfriend, Jake, sounds a lot like my Miles*.
Ladies and gentlemen: Hugh!
Okay, Pudge from Looking for Alaska may not resemble Hugh, and I’m still trying to put my finger on what exactly I find Hugh-like (a.k.a. annoying) about the protagonist. They must be on similar intellectual levels, also the fact that they are tall, have strange-looking bodies, have lewd thoughts about girls, the lack of romantic relationships in their lives, basically, their creepiness towards girls. It doesn’t help that I share some qualities with Alaska, who Miles lusts after, and that Alaska’s boyfriend, Jake, sounds a lot like my Miles*.
So, every time Pudge is
creeping on Alaska (checking out her breasts, curves, counting the layers
separating his skin from her skin), I can’t help but visualize Hugh creeping on
me; and I get pissed. I know it’s in the past, but the fact that he’s still
around, and would sometimes talk to me makes it hard for me to read this book. Oh,
I’ll finish reading it, all right, because what makes it worthwhile is John
Green’s writing style. I think it’s witty and funny, and I’ve noted so many
good quotes. The writing also reminds me vaguely of how I used to write back in
college... oh, I can be vain, all right.
Change of topic, as mister pukeface doesn’t deserve too much space on this blog. Today, I went to claim my last payment from my old workplace and saw a lot of people I missed. God, was the place nostalgic. Everybody noticed a change of style and the welcome weight gain, which I claimed was from getting enough rest and not skipping meals and... general happiness (or lack of work stress).
My interview with the real estate firm went pretty well, too, and I discovered the job was also pretty cool. I just hope it doesn’t mess with my health again and that I thrive in the marketing field. I guess my plan, as of now, is to slowly inch myself closer and closer to Art, and not freaking jump from one area of expertise to another. I hope to get a follow-up call from that company, and that they don’t snub me like the other great businesses I applied to. :(
Change of topic, as mister pukeface doesn’t deserve too much space on this blog. Today, I went to claim my last payment from my old workplace and saw a lot of people I missed. God, was the place nostalgic. Everybody noticed a change of style and the welcome weight gain, which I claimed was from getting enough rest and not skipping meals and... general happiness (or lack of work stress).
My interview with the real estate firm went pretty well, too, and I discovered the job was also pretty cool. I just hope it doesn’t mess with my health again and that I thrive in the marketing field. I guess my plan, as of now, is to slowly inch myself closer and closer to Art, and not freaking jump from one area of expertise to another. I hope to get a follow-up call from that company, and that they don’t snub me like the other great businesses I applied to. :(
Because even when I’m tired and
the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be far, I have to keep going, never
slowing down, because I’m always one step closer when I’m trying. Jesus help
me.
Lilith
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*Code name/s
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