Thursday, August 1, 2013

Lilith: When a relationship matures

I’m not a relationship expert. Nonetheless, I can speak for the feminine gender regarding this subject, and can probably give sound opinions on the matter... I think. -_-

The nature of a romantic relationship you have when you’re in your teens is different from that of one you have when you’re in your twenties, thirties, etc. Of course, we can’t make generalizations, because each relationship is unique.

If you’re one of those people who have been with your partner since you were teenagers (we are now, of course, assuming you’re much older), I assume many things have changed in your relationship. You may be more deeply connected, or connected in more ways than you could have ever imagined when you first dated. Perhaps you’re sick of one another, or are hating each other more and more as time passes. You could also be falling, or growing apart.

If you’re anything like me and you care about staying together, you will see the problem/s and have intelligent forecasts—and a lot of times you won’t see good things in the future—so you talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about it and find ways, together, to improve things.

My biggest relationship issues have something to do with verbal and mental communication. When you’re in a new relationship, you never really run out of things to talk about and you don’t have to be good at reading each other’s actions. You will usually be pleased with the things you discover about one another, because you and your partner strive to put your best feet forward at all times. You do this too much that when you are faced with your first challenge—a disturbing discovery—you can easily shrug it off.

Miles* and I were the happiest couple I knew. That honeymoon stage lasted for, I think, two years.

But early into the first year, when I was at my happiest with him, he crushed my heart for the very first time. I was obsessed with looking people up online, so when I looked him up, I found out he had a girlfriend.

We’ve been dating for around three to four months then. How could he have “forgotten” to mention that? I confronted him the following day, after I thought I would die of hypertension from stress.

He told me he had already broken up with her. He said he had taken care of that two weeks prior to my discovery. It didn’t help anything and I didn’t trust him at all... but that, I figured, wasn’t the worst of my discoveries. It was just the beginning of my trip to Calvary (more on that on this blog in the near future). I can sort of laugh at that one now that I have more serious and alarming issues—now, with real, heavy, adult-relationship concerns, I find that fault cute.

I broke up with Miles at one point because he had just become so indifferent, short, and cold; on top of being his typical uninterested self. I admit that I can be easily bothered by hurtful words, but that’s because you are supposed to be compassionate towards people you care about/love. I end up making a big deal out of such things, which in turn, upsets him and stresses him out, and then he gets short and irate. He would spit one offensive sentence after another, just adding insult to injury. I try to reason out with him, try to enlighten him about what exactly is happening, but he’s already shut me out. He only cared about having a good night’s rest over solving pressing matters.

Before the break-up, he made me cry every day (I used to barely cry because of him)—he didn’t care about the relationship anymore, and he was sick of me. Sick of me caring about this relationship and trying to fix it and trying to explain to him that he shouldn’t be hurting me, and that he should be kind to me. He always assured he was trying his best to be better, but I always found that hard to believe because right after every promise that he’ll sensitive to my feelings, he would find another way to similarly offend me—within another week, the following day, or the next half hour.

We were dealing with an endless cycle of fuckup-fight- makeup. Each time we fight we are slightly different people—I think we like each other less and we pull away from each other more. He’s less patient, I’m less forgiving, he’s less sensitive and I’m stricter. The only point we meet at? We were both growing exponentially lax towards each other. He can grab me and throw me around as he pleases because he knows I’ll never leave him; I can do the same because I believe I have the right to. Is it okay that we do these things? I don’t own him, and he shouldn’t be taking me for granted. We are equally at fault and we screw each other up equally. The good news? We’re both intelligent and underneath all the anger and hatred, we knew what was wrong, and what we should do.

We do have miraculous, and rather peaceful conversations wherein we discuss about how we can improve our relationship. We talk about the manner we address each other and how to make it better. I suggest a shitton of things to help us get closer again, besides the usual link-sharing and storytelling.

Miles and I are from very different backgrounds. For one, only one of us is Asian. We were brought up differently, too. He’s government/service-oriented employee and I’m in the communications/creative field. I can write and draw and shit and he can do math and engineering shit. He has a dick, I have mammaries (I think). He’s just a few years older, which means I’m still a few years older than he is. I’m good at handling money, he... needs improvement in that area. The world amazes me, and I am endlessly fascinated by so many things—a dynamic character, that used to be one-dimensional and self-centered and contended living inside a box. He’s a little bit more into specific things, and will tend to avoid things outside of his expertise or interest. He makes up for that by being outgoing, wanting to explore the world, never being able to stay put at home like I do. In short, he’s a dog, and I’m a cat.

I guess that’s where some of our problems lie. We’re actually so different. Neither of us ever thought we’d ever disagree so much about so many things at the beginning of the relationship. And, duh, it’s because we only shared our interests with each other—and tried to mirror each other.

As our relationship aged, we slacked off more. Yes, we got busier, dealt with more real-life problems as time passed, but you can only control that so much until it starts to control you.

Thankfully life stress hasn’t gotten to me bad enough to ruin my love life yet. His tolerance seems to be a little smaller, since he can only handle so much ‘til he breaks. I insist that he can help it, that he can help himself, because there’s no other way but to do that unless he wants to ruin us; but he needs more time to learn how to.

Controlling your emotions, especially negative ones, can be learned. As educated adults, he and I can support each other on that, to have a more positive attitude that will help him and I become us again.

Being uninterested, tuning out, and lack of verbal communication, though, can be a massive deal breaker. Just because you’re from different backgrounds doesn’t mean you have to remain an alien to their world. You actually shouldn’t. I think it’s so cool that mom can’t do sports and isn’t into sports, but she watches with my dad the sports guy, and understands basically every sport’s mechanics. I find it even cooler that dad the action movie fan buys and watches feel-good, female-skewed movies with my mom and I. And likes it! These seemingly simple gestures are far greater than what they appear to be.

I now tell Miles that there’s no reason to just sit there and listen when I talk about my work. It feels like a chore when I explain terms he may not be familiar with because he just stares blankly at me and nods and mhms. I don’t know if he gets it, and I’m sure he doesn’t, so I encourage him to ask. What, why, how. I like it when people ask me questions. I’d LOVE it if he did. His work jargon usually throws me off sometimes so I’d politely (or sometimes, impatiently, because hello, I don’t know anything about machine work) ask him to explain what this one tool is, its purpose, how it’s dealt with, et cetera. To be honest, his face kind of lights up a little when I ask questions—not just about work, or his hobbies that I don’t share with him, but about things in general... like things I don’t understand, or his opinion on a theory, experience or event.

I think that one of the best ways to keep each other happy in a relationship is to keep learning more about each other. This requires a keen sense of observation and a natural, endless curiosity about the other person. Your partner-pleasing powers increase when you know more about them.

If you really are into your partner, consider these things: you don’t have to share every interest, but showing them that you’re willing to be part of their world more, learn about them endlessly, keeps them just as interested in you. Remember what got you together in the first place—shared interests, opinions, experiences.

I have a feeling we’ll get back together very soon.



*Code name/s


  1. Hi Lilith, I can truly understand what you've been going through right now Daniel and I were friends for few years before we get into our relationship. Though we understand each other well, like we don't even need to talk to figure out what the other person is thinking, we do have arguments too. But no matter how big the problem is, when you talk about it and work to find ways to solve it - together and not just one of you, you can definitely work things out.

    I have had trouble with my previous relationship to, prior to Daniel. And I've learned one thing. When I read what you wrote ---

    "But early into the first year, when I was at my happiest with him, he crushed my heart for the very first time. I was obsessed with looking people up online, so when I looked him up, I found out he had a girlfriend."

    The thing I have learned, is not to do such a thing, cause what you don't know won't hurt you. Though that works perfectly fine for me, I hope and wish that you will find something that will work for you too.

    Cheer up girly *hugs*

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad things have worked out great between you two. I have high hopes that things will work out for me soon, as we're both getting back up on our feet. Positive vibes!

      Unfortunately, I had to learn about some things the hard way! The truth has its own way of revealing itself in time, so there's no need to snoop. It does nothing but hurt you. :(

      *hugs* Much needed support. Appreciate it, Ms. Maria. :)


Do be nice--we are all fighting difficult battles.