I am fighting tears (never mind, they're POURING now) as I am writing this right now. I am so conflicted about everything happening in my life that I just don't know where to start--literally. I don't know where to start financially, socially, career-wise, health-wise and relationship-wise. I've never felt this broken in a long time.
After turning down a high offer from a company that I judged based on their reputation, corporate structure and culture, I couldn't help but accept the painfully low offer from the company I chose (very low basic pay--exactly the same amount as my previous job's, but with an additional allowance--so it's only slightly higher) because of the quality of the work experience and the company's high reputation.
I was heartbroken, to be honest, because that means I cannot afford a dorm that's just around the office. I have to settle for very long commutes, despite how bad and unpredictable the weather is here (not to mention the prevalence of crime, and the terrible traffic situation). I can't save up for the things I badly need for my future endeavors (a good laptop and a professional camera, lenses, etc.) and I don't really make enough to do something to improve my lifestyle. I can only count on the 'raise' they'll be giving me once I become a regular employee (it can only get so high, right?) and I'm not even sure if my pay will improve after my probationary period.
I'm only clinging on to the encouraging words a few friends and family have given me. They know my situation and they tell me that I'm doing the right thing, and that everything is okay. But other than that, I'm still pretty broken.
I'm so stressed about the life-changing events all happening seemingly at the same time in my life. I'm entering a slightly different sub-field of my college major and I am desperate to perform well at work. I am also paranoid about dealing with people and handling a possibly heavy workload given all the other baggage that taking this job came with. Aside from that, my weight and health have deteriorated slightly over the past weeks. I'm starting work tomorrow (not even a week's notice!) and I'm coming down with a bad cold.
It doesn't end there. I am seriously considering ending my long-term relationship with Miles*. He is becoming worse and worse everyday, more and more careless and hateful towards me. I don't think we see eye-to-eye about most things anymore. I am constantly shocked to discover that his views about some things have become the complete opposite of what they originally were. Apparently, we used to agree about many things before--now that we're older and see the world differently, our opinions have probably changed. This time, though, we're a little upset about each other's views.
I think I've struggled and fought so hard to stay, told myself that maybe this is just another test because we're hitting the six-year mark by the beginning of next year. He has become lax and lazy, so I have become angry, so he has become vengeful, so I have become vengeful, so he has become hateful, so I have become hateful, so he has become worse, so I have grown tired of him, so he has grown tired of me. We've basically given up on each other and are only feeding on the good days and the nice things we can get out of each other. We live on that, but there's just too little of it to survive in the relationship. He still wants to work things out (meaning, he wants me to be okay with all the offensive things he does and allow him to take me for granted) but breaking up sounds more tempting to me. He will only pull me down--his existence has done that to me for years, and because he's not the kind, understanding, gentle and eager-to-please guy he was when I first met him, I don't see why I should keep stretching this out. I should just cut it.
People will always say it's the distance or the difference in culture. But unless you are in a 90% similar relationship, I can't really agree with you. People will never understand what it's like. He and I don't like the distance, but we managed because we wanted to be together. He blames the distance, too, for all the bad stuff that happens between us, but I don't have the same sentiments. We couldn't do anything about it, so we'll just have to deal with it--thus, our situation requires a different kind of effort to show our dedication. I have it, but he doesn't. His priorities are always self-centered, and I'm never on top of his list. It's fine to put other things before me sometimes, but he ALWAYS chooses to put other things before me, expecting me to be okay with it. If they were absolutely important--you know, work or family or health-related, for example, that's fine. But if it's something completely shallow, something you don't have to do right away, and you put it before a person you claim to be the love of your life when they specifically asked you to be there for them because they need you.... well... you don't know your priorities.
If you cannot handle being in a relationship, don't be. If you're too busy with work half of the time and being a carefree child the other half of the time, DO NOT LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND. You are not only wasting their time, effort and money, you are also giving them heartache. It's extra stress that a person does not need in this fast-paced world. Do not, at all costs, pretend to invest yourself in a girlfriend or boyfriend if you are DETACHED--unless that's what you both want--to be detached.
All he cares about now is his own happiness, and apparently, I appear to be the same way. We've gone from selfless to completely selfish. The only good thing about this relationship is the fact that we don't cheat on each other. But hey, is that really enough to stay in a relationship?
I don't even want to think about being in a relationship right now. I don't want that at all. I just want to be healthy, to have the career I want, to travel, see the world and share good moments with the people I love. A relationship doesn't sound or look attractive to me right now. I'm about ready to gag on every disgustingly sappy couple I encounter in real life and online. Love, a relationship and all the bullshit that come with it just sounds like a big hassle to me. It feels like work. Let's face it, most people don't like the idea of work.
I think one of the reasons I was pissed about turning down a great offer (and finding out the job offer I picked was much lower) was mainly because of Miles. If, when he visits me, I'll have to spend a lot of money on the accommodations, travel, food, etc. If I don't have him, I wouldn't have to worry about my low income anymore. I can just worry about my own future.
The Lilith from yesterday would be surprised at how much courage the Lilith right now has. She will be shocked at how decided I am about ending this dysfunctional relationship.
Sorry, Old Lilith, but your boyfriend just doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. You've tried asking nicely, demanding, crying, shouting, threatening, begging.... basically everything, and he just doesn't budge anymore. Apparently, so do you. Maybe you've started to outgrow each other.
He just bullshits too much, always says one thing but does another thing. Always promises to be there for you but is never there. Always promises to respect you but always insults you. Always promises to be dedicated but you end up doing everything, even the things he's supposed to do. You don't deserve it. You don't need a relationship to be happy--all you need is a good life. You can worry about a partner later on.
To be honest, I'm thinking way far ahead--as in, if we break up, and I still don't want a relationship two years from now, but I'm financially stable and I want a kid, I'll just get an AI. I don't need to get married to have a kid.
I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I don't seem to be scared to lose him. I wonder if I am even confident enough for that. All I know right now is I don't need the extra baggage because I have many other important things to consider in my life.
I gave him another ultimatum--if he wants me to be with him, he should go back to being the guy I met moving forward. Only then will I trust that our relationship will get better--why? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the only reason I'm an asshole is because he's an asshole. Neither one of us wants to step down. We used to, before, but things are different now. I'm willing to, but he never is--and I can't accept that. It's unjust and unfair.
If he can't promise me he'll be mister nice guy, I can't promise him I'll be a good partner... because I promise you, I've tried being the first to step down all the time. I've done everything he asked me to do and he still treats me like shit. He can still take me or leave me and I should just be okay with that.
Anyway, maybe we should toast to the future and drink to the past.
Or something. We'll see how this progresses within the week.
Lilith
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*Code name/s
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Do be nice--we are all fighting difficult battles.