The title is not literal.
I suck. I used to write very good blog posts... back in my not-so-anonymous blogs. Now I can only sigh at the length and the frustrating lack of passion in every word I seem to post on here. I think the best one has been the very first entry—but I guess all this—this hollow sensation I’m getting—is just because I feel like my life has no real purpose right now. I’m unemployed, having a hard time looking for a job, probably being rejected by all the firms I’ve sent applications to and that have screened me, and probably made a stupid mistake turning down a job offer only because it will ruin my health.
(Only ruin my health? Really? “Only”?
(hmm, guess I still made the right decision...?))
I think my depression shows through my eating and sleeping habits: my appetite has been weak for almost two months now. I gained back the ten pounds I lost when I was still employed, but I’m not exactly healthy. I think I eat half the amount of what I usually do, which is 50% less than the right amount of food intake if I want to reach my goal weight. More meat! More carbs! More veggies! But nope. I’m too depressed right now to even get excited over my favorite dishes. That, ladies and gentlemen, got me very worried.
I discovered something—with the right kind of rice, and with some chopsticks I can eat as much as I can without having to deal much with my PMS-y appetite. But we didn’t have any chopsticks, so I ate with one hand, using a fork. For everything.
I think there’s a certain appeal to eating with one hand as opposed to two; an appeal to only being able to put so much in your mouth at one time. A spoon can easily ruin that—especially a big one (which we have and use. Can’t stand it! Toads have bigger mouths than I do!).
I think there’s a deeper science with eating food. Duh. There definitely is—it’s psychology. If people who work in the food industry know there’s a proper way to eat certain foods (y’know, what wine goes with what, what type of pasta or cheese to use with what dish, etc.), then there are ways to literally eat food that will make them taste better for you.
I think M&M’s taste better when you crush them with your teeth while they’re lying vertically between them. When I was in high school, I knew a couple of people that ate their potato chips by crushing the contents and getting a plastic spoon to scoop the crushed bits with. I’ve heard of people using ketchup for everything—yes, even for dishes with soup. *Shudder*
Here’s my fascination with consuming only tiny, bite-sized amounts of food in my mouth—figured it always leaves you wanting more. Our helper’s cooking is a carbon copy of my mom’s, so there’s no room for disinterest. I thought how embarrassing it would be if people actually saw me eating with just a fork, but you have to do something to maintain your health.
I keep running out of companies to send applications to. I’ve looked up Top 1000 companies and sent applications even to whatever hasn’t been included in the list. I was stupid not to start searching right after I left my job.
Ugh, but I needed to rest. I was a wreck—I literally looked like a zombie back then. You’ve no idea.
If I wasn’t so goddamned unhealthy, I could’ve just saw to it that I’d have a place to go to after leaving work. Oh, well, I’m young and stupid. Young people make mistakes (but they’re pretty fucking dumb if they repeat them... so that means I’m brainless!) and I figured the best way to learn from something is to learn it the hard way.
I’ve gotten lost so many times, but it’s because of those moments of darkness that I am now enlightened.
Shit, did the brainless Lilith just say something cool? Uh oh, damn, now I’m gonna be popular. Hey, want me to sign your shirt? Your butt?
Kidding aside.
I give myself brain damage by smashing my head against the wall everyday out of sheer self-disappointment... but something keeps telling me that I’m still doing the right thing. I mean, I’m doing my best. I’ve done nothing but look for jobs and send applications besides reading books, watching and reading the news, eating, bathing and sleeping.
I suck. I used to write very good blog posts... back in my not-so-anonymous blogs. Now I can only sigh at the length and the frustrating lack of passion in every word I seem to post on here. I think the best one has been the very first entry—but I guess all this—this hollow sensation I’m getting—is just because I feel like my life has no real purpose right now. I’m unemployed, having a hard time looking for a job, probably being rejected by all the firms I’ve sent applications to and that have screened me, and probably made a stupid mistake turning down a job offer only because it will ruin my health.
(Only ruin my health? Really? “Only”?
(hmm, guess I still made the right decision...?))
I think my depression shows through my eating and sleeping habits: my appetite has been weak for almost two months now. I gained back the ten pounds I lost when I was still employed, but I’m not exactly healthy. I think I eat half the amount of what I usually do, which is 50% less than the right amount of food intake if I want to reach my goal weight. More meat! More carbs! More veggies! But nope. I’m too depressed right now to even get excited over my favorite dishes. That, ladies and gentlemen, got me very worried.
I discovered something—with the right kind of rice, and with some chopsticks I can eat as much as I can without having to deal much with my PMS-y appetite. But we didn’t have any chopsticks, so I ate with one hand, using a fork. For everything.
I think there’s a certain appeal to eating with one hand as opposed to two; an appeal to only being able to put so much in your mouth at one time. A spoon can easily ruin that—especially a big one (which we have and use. Can’t stand it! Toads have bigger mouths than I do!).
I think there’s a deeper science with eating food. Duh. There definitely is—it’s psychology. If people who work in the food industry know there’s a proper way to eat certain foods (y’know, what wine goes with what, what type of pasta or cheese to use with what dish, etc.), then there are ways to literally eat food that will make them taste better for you.
I think M&M’s taste better when you crush them with your teeth while they’re lying vertically between them. When I was in high school, I knew a couple of people that ate their potato chips by crushing the contents and getting a plastic spoon to scoop the crushed bits with. I’ve heard of people using ketchup for everything—yes, even for dishes with soup. *Shudder*
Here’s my fascination with consuming only tiny, bite-sized amounts of food in my mouth—figured it always leaves you wanting more. Our helper’s cooking is a carbon copy of my mom’s, so there’s no room for disinterest. I thought how embarrassing it would be if people actually saw me eating with just a fork, but you have to do something to maintain your health.
I keep running out of companies to send applications to. I’ve looked up Top 1000 companies and sent applications even to whatever hasn’t been included in the list. I was stupid not to start searching right after I left my job.
Ugh, but I needed to rest. I was a wreck—I literally looked like a zombie back then. You’ve no idea.
If I wasn’t so goddamned unhealthy, I could’ve just saw to it that I’d have a place to go to after leaving work. Oh, well, I’m young and stupid. Young people make mistakes (but they’re pretty fucking dumb if they repeat them... so that means I’m brainless!) and I figured the best way to learn from something is to learn it the hard way.
I’ve gotten lost so many times, but it’s because of those moments of darkness that I am now enlightened.
Shit, did the brainless Lilith just say something cool? Uh oh, damn, now I’m gonna be popular. Hey, want me to sign your shirt? Your butt?
Kidding aside.
I give myself brain damage by smashing my head against the wall everyday out of sheer self-disappointment... but something keeps telling me that I’m still doing the right thing. I mean, I’m doing my best. I’ve done nothing but look for jobs and send applications besides reading books, watching and reading the news, eating, bathing and sleeping.
I’m on the right track. I’m on the right
track. I’m on the right track.
Right?
No comments:
Post a Comment
Do be nice--we are all fighting difficult battles.