Sunday, September 22, 2013

Lilith: Finally--hello employment, goodbye relationship

I am fighting tears (never mind, they're POURING now) as I am writing this right now. I am so conflicted about everything happening in my life that I just don't know where to start--literally. I don't know where to start financially, socially, career-wise, health-wise and relationship-wise. I've never felt this broken in a long time. 

After turning down a high offer from a company that I judged based on their reputation, corporate structure and culture, I couldn't help but accept the painfully low offer from the company I chose (very low basic pay--exactly the same amount as my previous job's, but with an additional allowance--so it's only slightly higher) because of the quality of the work experience and the company's high reputation. 

I was heartbroken, to be honest, because that means I cannot afford a dorm that's just around the office. I have to settle for very long commutes, despite how bad and unpredictable the weather is here (not to mention the prevalence of crime, and the terrible traffic situation). I can't save up for the things I badly need for my future endeavors (a good laptop and a professional camera, lenses, etc.) and I don't really make enough to do something to improve my lifestyle. I can only count on the 'raise' they'll be giving me once I become a regular employee (it can only get so high, right?) and I'm not even sure if my pay will improve after my probationary period.

I'm only clinging on to the encouraging words a few friends and family have given me. They know my situation and they tell me that I'm doing the right thing, and that everything is okay. But other than that, I'm still pretty broken.

I'm so stressed about the life-changing events all happening seemingly at the same time in my life. I'm entering a slightly different sub-field of my college major and I am desperate to perform well at work. I am also paranoid about dealing with people and handling a possibly heavy workload given all the other baggage that taking this job came with. Aside from that, my weight and health have deteriorated slightly over the past weeks. I'm starting work tomorrow (not even a week's notice!) and I'm coming down with a bad cold. 

It doesn't end there. I am seriously considering ending my long-term relationship with Miles*. He is becoming worse and worse everyday, more and more careless and hateful towards me. I don't think we see eye-to-eye about most things anymore. I am constantly shocked to discover that his views about some things have become the complete opposite of what they originally were. Apparently, we used to agree about many things before--now that we're older and see the world differently, our opinions have probably changed. This time, though, we're a little upset about each other's views. 

I think I've struggled and fought so hard to stay, told myself that maybe this is just another test because we're hitting the six-year mark by the beginning of next year. He has become lax and lazy, so I have become angry, so he has become vengeful, so I have become vengeful, so he has become hateful, so I have become hateful, so he has become worse, so I have grown tired of him, so he has grown tired of me. We've basically given up on each other and are only feeding on the good days and the nice things we can get out of each other. We live on that, but there's just too little of it to survive in the relationship. He still wants to work things out (meaning, he wants me to be okay with all the offensive things he does and allow him to take me for granted) but breaking up sounds more tempting to me. He will only pull me down--his existence has done that to me for years, and because he's not the kind, understanding, gentle and eager-to-please guy he was when I first met him, I don't see why I should keep stretching this out. I should just cut it.

People will always say it's the distance or the difference in culture. But unless you are in a 90% similar relationship, I can't really agree with you. People will never understand what it's like. He and I don't like the distance, but we managed because we wanted to be together. He blames the distance, too, for all the bad stuff that happens between us, but I don't have the same sentiments. We couldn't do anything about it, so we'll just have to deal with it--thus, our situation requires a different kind of effort to show our dedication. I have it, but he doesn't. His priorities are always self-centered, and I'm never on top of his list. It's fine to put other things before me sometimes, but he ALWAYS chooses to put other things before me, expecting me to be okay with it. If they were absolutely important--you know, work or family or health-related, for example, that's fine. But if it's something completely shallow, something you don't have to do right away, and you put it before a person you claim to be the love of your life when they specifically asked you to be there for them because they need you.... well... you don't know your priorities. 

If you cannot handle being in a relationship, don't be. If you're too busy with work half of the time and being a carefree child the other half of the time, DO NOT LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND. You are not only wasting their time, effort and money, you are also giving them heartache. It's extra stress that a person does not need in this fast-paced world. Do not, at all costs, pretend to invest yourself in a girlfriend or boyfriend if you are DETACHED--unless that's what you both want--to be detached.

All he cares about now is his own happiness, and apparently, I appear to be the same way. We've gone from selfless to completely selfish. The only good thing about this relationship is the fact that we don't cheat on each other. But hey, is that really enough to stay in a relationship?

I don't even want to think about being in a relationship right now. I don't want that at all. I just want to be healthy, to have the career I want, to travel, see the world and share good moments with the people I love. A relationship doesn't sound or look attractive to me right now. I'm about ready to gag on every disgustingly sappy couple I encounter in real life and online. Love, a relationship and all the bullshit that come with it just sounds like a big hassle to me. It feels like work. Let's face it, most people don't like the idea of work.

I think one of the reasons I was pissed about turning down a great offer (and finding out the job offer I picked was much lower) was mainly because of Miles. If, when he visits me, I'll have to spend a lot of money on the accommodations, travel, food, etc. If I don't have him, I wouldn't have to worry about my low income anymore. I can just worry about my own future. 

The Lilith from yesterday would be surprised at how much courage the Lilith right now has. She will be shocked at how decided I am about ending this dysfunctional relationship.

Sorry, Old Lilith, but your boyfriend just doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. You've tried asking nicely, demanding, crying, shouting, threatening, begging.... basically everything, and he just doesn't budge anymore. Apparently, so do you. Maybe you've started to outgrow each other. 

He just bullshits too much, always says one thing but does another thing. Always promises to be there for you but is never there. Always promises to respect you but always insults you. Always promises to be dedicated but you end up doing everything, even the things he's supposed to do. You don't deserve it. You don't need a relationship to be happy--all you need is a good life. You can worry about a partner later on.

To be honest, I'm thinking way far ahead--as in, if we break up, and I still don't want a relationship two years from now, but I'm financially stable and I want a kid, I'll just get an AI. I don't need to get married to have a kid. 

I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I don't seem to be scared to lose him. I wonder if I am even confident enough for that. All I know right now is I don't need the extra baggage because I have many other important things to consider in my life. 

I gave him another ultimatum--if he wants me to be with him, he should go back to being the guy I met moving forward. Only then will I trust that our relationship will get better--why? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the only reason I'm an asshole is because he's an asshole. Neither one of us wants to step down. We used to, before, but things are different now. I'm willing to, but he never is--and I can't accept that. It's unjust and unfair.

If he can't promise me he'll be mister nice guy, I can't promise him I'll be a good partner... because I promise you, I've tried being the first to step down all the time. I've done everything he asked me to do and he still treats me like shit. He can still take me or leave me and I should just be okay with that. 

Anyway, maybe we should toast to the future and drink to the past.

Or something. We'll see how this progresses within the week.



*Code name/s

Monday, September 9, 2013

Lilith: The coin is suspended in the air

Ah, finally. After weeks, I have an update on my gloomy life! Where do I start?

After around a hundred applications and less than 30 interviews, Lady Luck decided to be my gal one fateful Friday. I don't care whether she's drunk or high, everything worked in my favor. I was right to keep believing in the power of energies--you can't really have bad energy around you all the time. Things have to change some time.

I've been having such bad luck lately that I'm sure it's about to get balanced out soon. However, I wasn't expecting extremely good luck--so when I had it, man was I psyched.

About two weeks ago, I went to an interview not really expecting anything, but doing my best, anyway. Company A's hiring process is pretty quick, I finished all interviews in one day and before lunch time, too (well... half past noon). I guess I've gotten so used to interviews and I've gone over my failed ones mentally too much that I just couldn't say anything wrong anymore. The only things that would stand in my way are: the interviewer's impression of me (which, if they are judgmental like some of the assholes I've met who just didn't like me for no particular reason would keep me from getting the job) and my ability to explain that my experience, skills and abilities are good enough for the job and the company. 

Alas, I didn't have any problem with those, and surprisingly, I was able to impress Company A's big boss. I think the Boss A was pretty cool, too, although I would assume we're a little too alike, which can be a problem for me. Before the interview ended, he said, "I really want you on my shortlist." and that if they contact me again, it will be because they will make an offer. I had another interview that day, with Company B, which, I'm pleased to know, liked me as well.

I had about ten minutes to finish my crappy burger (late lunch) before my interview with them. I had a good feeling about Company A and the fact that Boss A liked my attitude gave me confidence that I can easily top anyone else who has more or less the same work experience as I do. I think that a great attitude can take you places (well... now I believe it can. Haha). So, I thought, if Company B doesn't like me, or thinks my work experience isn't relevant, I'll be okay.

Well, surprise. I did well with the initial interview (I got compliments!) and I was asked to go meet the would-be supervisor, but I have to rush to another district. (I'm so glad my dad was there to drive me to where I had to go, whew.) It was getting late, but I wanted to show dedication, so I said yes and made my way there. Someone told me that  Boss B/the supervisor was really nice and that I would probably do well in my interview with her. I couldn't believe my luck--I was doing great in my interviews, and all I did was be myself and express how I felt about the job. Nobody tested me, nobody tried to look for dirt on me. It was so incredible that I can't believe it was all me (come on, considering I had bad luck 9 out of 10 times when it came my applications)-- I wanted to blame my fortune. I really don't want to sound crazy, but I think the goddess of luck took a liking to me.

I'm seriously not complaining, I'm humbled by all this!

I went to the interview with Boss B, and did well--she said, "I'm very interested," and told me I'll be hearing from them the following week. I was excited, knowing she would be a great boss because she's brilliant. She knows her craft, and if I worked under her, I know I would end up being a gem of some sort. I'm not expecting to become a goddamn diamond (although I want to be one), but I'll be a pretty fucking precious gem under her mentorship/leadership. I just hoped that the following interviews with Company B would turn out good.

The following week, I got a call from Company A asking me to come over. I didn't know what it was about, because I remember BA (Boss A) saying I will hear from HIM if it's a job offer. I assumed that a supervisor will be interviewing me or they wanted to see me again because they can't choose between two candidates. I almost died when he said he was offering me the job. My final interviews with Company B will not be until the end of the week, and I didn't want to tell them I wanted to see what the other company wanted to offer me as well, so I can make a decision.

BA said he didn't want to put me on the spot, but he wanted an answer right away. As in, right there and then. The statement was contradicting itself, I thought, but I understood his point. I never got the impression that filling the position was urgent, though. I was never told that. I was sure he wanted to hire me right away to get things over with, but he didn't give me much of a choice and wanted me to cancel my other applications. Also, I was told that if I accepted the offer, I will be attending a meeting that afternoon with the board. I was shocked because I did not know what to expect, and I wish I had been told that.

He gave me 20 minutes to think it over while he talked to another applicant he was offering another position to. I got in touch with my friends and family to help me make a decision because I was so confused. I wished people here were more professional and didn't get pissed at you for considering other offers or applications. People are easily offended over here, and so it wouldn't be so wise to tell them that you are considering other companies.

I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast. I took a gamble and said, "if they don't accept me after telling them this, then it just wasn't meant to be". I was surprised when I informed BA that I can't accept the offer right now because I really wanted to think it over. He knew what that meant and I was surprised he gave me a few days. I promised to call at as soon as possible once I've made a decision. I thought they were going to drop me (he implied a few times that if I'm on board, I'm on board; or else, they'll continue looking for other candidates) but he saw my decisiveness and how professional I was about it (probably saw himself in me), and couldn't just say 'fuck it'.

I was glad about that, because if my application with Company B didn't work out, I'm assured of a job with Company A. I think it's pretty obvious now that I'm more inclined towards Company B--I'll explain in a bit.

Anyway, I was told that Big Bosses from Company B will be conducting the final interviews. I was expecting to have it with just one of them, but it turns out we all have to meet Big Boss A before the last interview with Big Boss B.

I had a tip about BBA (Big Boss A): that he can be intimidating and I have to do my best to impress him. I was very nervous because even when I smiled and had a pleasant energy about me, I felt it was ignored.

I was starting to see a pattern with how they do interviews with Company B--you have to try to put a poker face on and minimalize any form of expression or emotion. I noticed, however, that after the interviews, the interviewers appear to be much more pleasant; nice, even.

Going back to the interview with BBA--he asked me a few questions, some of which took me by surprise. One, in particular, scared me so much it gave me long pauses in between words. My mind felt like it was all over the place, so my initial answer was wrong, but he explained to me that that was not the answer he was looking for, so I re-answered it. Apparently, the question is kind of like a staple during job interviews: what is the job description for the position you're applying for?

I remembered all the job descriptions I read online whenever I sent out applications to employers and patterned my answered after those. Fortunately, I got it right, and he seemed to be relieved I got the answer, as well. He warned me that the culture, and job will be challenging and competitive, and told me I should be ready for that. Earlier during the interview, I mentioned that public speaking was one of my skills, and he said that even when I mentioned I had that skill, I seemed to be very uncomfortable. Again, honesty and sincerity saved me--I calmly told him that I don't have a problem interacting with a variety of people, however, I was a little nervous because I wanted to do well in the interview because I wanted to work for the company. I was glad when he said that that was okay. When I left, I thought I blew it.

I was asked to come back after lunch. I met this guy who was applying for the same position as I did, and asked him about his own application. I would most likely be seeing him around if we both got in so I tried being friendly with him. We talked after lunch and shared our experiences with the interview we just had--apparently his didn't go too well. Nonetheless, the fact that we were asked to return for the SUPER FINAL interview meant that we passed, which was a huge relief. Neither of us believed we did good with BBA, but now that we only had one more thing keeping us from getting a job offer, we wished each other luck and hoped for the best.

We waited for around an hour and talked about our previous jobs, where we lived and our work experiences. I found out later that we graduated from the same university (we were both excited about this) and we know at least one common person. He was actually just a year my senior, and because we went to the same building in college, we might have crossed paths but never really knew. We thought it was cool.

We got more and more nervous as time passed by, but we were also excited and started to talk about what it would be like working there. We laughed about how we were getting ahead of ourselves and forced ourselves to worry about the present first.

My interview with BBB (Big Boss B) was okay. I was unsure if she liked me, or if I was convincing; again, they tried to maintain a neutral expression, so I didn't know if I was saying something good or not. I used the Honest and Sincere cards again, and although I stuttered a couple of times and wished I had said some things better, I just told myself I did my best, and if I didn't make it, I had another offer anyway.

Later that night, I got a message from Company B saying I passed, and I will be getting a job offer the following week.

I was in a state of confusion after I finished my application with Company B. I started going over the pros and cons of each organization, and realized there were more pros with Company A than B. The only thing that drew me towards B was the prestige I will get from my work experience there. However, I'll have to make a shitton of sacrifices--move out, meaning spend a lot on rent/water/electricity and food, risk not having a strong internet connection at the boarding house and share a room with other people (no privacy). Plus, I'm assuming the job will be as stressful as my previous one; and that was one of the reasons I left that one in the first place.

It appears I would have more freedom with A, and I'm sure people won't be hard to deal with. I don't have to move out and I can sleep later and go home later with no problem. I can basically go to work and come home with my eyes closed. I don't have to give everything up, so I will have more savings; meaning, I can get myself a camera and/or my own laptop and go to a photography class. 

Even later that day, though, I realized that making sacrifices, learning from the right people, and working for a well-known, big organization will benefit me in the long run, compared to... well... not giving up anything, hoarding short-term benefits and working for an organization even smaller than my previous one. I've talked to my loved ones and friends about this, and at times they would ask me to make a decision because I have to pick whatever works for me; but not once did they show any indication that they favored A (despite all the added benefits on top of having a job). They all agreed that despite the BIG BAD cons parading behind company B's job offer (which I have yet to see, by the way), it was still more beneficial for me.

I ended up asking Miles* what he thought, and as much as he wanted me to be more healthy, have more time to relax and not have to give up so many things (the list is too long, I can even squeeze it in here) just to be able to work, if it'll help me in the long run, then I should go for it. He said that it doesn't matter that I put up with the stress for another two years, because I'll be with him by then. Sounded good to me.

I have high hopes about this new job. It's a blessing and I worked hard to get it, so I'll will myself to maintain positive feelings for it. I hope that everything goes well and I can stay for more than just one year here, and that I'll love the people I'll be working with. I hope that I get to feel the pros more than the cons the longer I stay. I hope this helps me more than hurts me, and best of all, I hope this freaking improves my health somehow!

I hope my decisions don't fail me.

Wish me luck.



*Code name/s