Lilith: Lost and Found

I. Lost

I left my job last month. After being bulled by someone from the management, I decided it would be wrong if I stayed a minute longer.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that a certain UM person was the root of most resignations where I worked. It was really just bad management, in general, and I could understand why people from different departments decide to look for other companies that deserved them. At first, I thought, the longer I stayed, the tougher I'd get. The better I'd be. I thought that by staying, I was proving a point... I was succeeding... winning.

Then, this happened:

One day, after accomplishing a few tasks at the office, I packed my bags and was about to leave for one of the outlets I handled--my boss told me I could. On my way out, UM told me not to leave because he needed to speak with me. I already knew then I was in for some huge bullshit. Prior to that, he sent an e-mail to the "marketing team", using the BCC option to "make sure we're not embarrassed", and as usual, insulted us without really insulting us. He's taking something out on us because we were not able to do something he apparently wants us to do.

I was led into a room with UMP and someone with a high HR position. My boss didn't know this (I was later informed by my mother that my boss should be informed of everything that involved me, work-wise). I was interrogated, questioned for my skills and abilities, because what I've been accomplishing for the past few months was apparently not enough. It was the usual: what have you been doing, what have you accomplished, what are you doing now, what can you do, and what can you accomplish questions.

I was inwardly panicking at the time because I was caught off-guard. I tried to be more vocal, and I answered every question. I was mocked and insulted every time; I did not get to finish some of my statements, and each clear explanation I gave was ignored, because my input was not valued. They clearly did not understand some of my explanations and insisted I was wrong, and they are right, therefore I had to be demoted.

All that, only because I have not acquired a sponsorship for an ongoing project that he has. First off, he never informed me that he needed a hand... from me. Second, my boss never told me I needed to do so. Third, I've been launching new brands ever since I started, which is top priority--so side projects like that will be accomplished alongside my main priorities UPON THE INSTRUCTION of a superior.

I knew all that.

However, at the time, I missed the fact that sponsorships were a a very minor deliverable in my contract. It was a by-the-way. It was a just-in-case. It was a could, not a should.

He told me I was not good, that I was not bringing anything to the table, that I have to contribute something to the company... which I was. I later on reviewed my job description and I was able to perform everything that was expected of me. And I performed very well! Even my boss approved of me.

I knew a few weeks before that that the company was cutting down on employees. They can easily let people go or stop hiring. They did not need to harass people and constantly insult them to force them to resign. I knew this was his purpose--besides being a bored lunatic who wants to stir things up all the time. He's the demon king who rules over the unwilling planet earth, who tortures and kills humans for a living... for the hell of it.

What happened was a lot worse than what I'm describing here. The closed door meeting lasted for about an hour, with me trying to calmly and politely explain and defend myself and him pursing his lips in anger exactly because I was. What he wants me to be is scared, quiet, shaking and stuttering. The HR person did NOT help me. Nobody from HR EVER really helped those who needed them. The good people. They were pro-management. In fact, the HR person helped UM insult me and put me down.

He put me under another department that reported directly to him, without informing my boss. Again. He had done this about 10 times since I started. My boss was furious but could not do anything about it.

I had a family emergency the next day and had to take the day off. I informed UM too but he did not believe me. He said I should show proof that I was not procrastinating. I was livid--my emergency involved my NUCLEAR RELATIVES and he didn't give a shit; he just did not believe it. I was going to put up with the crap he did the previous day--insulting me, badgering me, changing my position and my boss and pretty much everything else. But after that... I knew I had enough. The next day was a weekend, so I fixed all my turnover files, wrote letters of resignation and printed out every proof that I was pushed to leave for a good reason. I made sure I covered my ass. I handed in my resignation letter the very next week. It wasn't accepted at first, but I left them no choice. I gave them the reason and there was nothing else for them to do except take it.

I feel so bad for leaving because I was learning relevant IMC skills. My boss was seasoned, and the brands I handled had great potential. I was only starting out. Now I'm looking for a new job again, but I'm not so sure how to explain myself to potential employers. I find it so hard to. Friends keep insisting I just tell them I freelanced... I can't. My experience was relevant. I still want to have the same job... just somewhere else. Just with other people... younger people, preferably.

II. Found

If you know me well, you know that I'm not just good at looking people up online--you know I find it thrilling. I am obsessed with it, if I really wanted to know more about the person. A few pieces of information can yield a thousand if they're in the right hands (mine!). Sometimes, I just can't stop until I get enough information--the search can go for as long as days... or years.

Yesterday, I gave myself a congratulatory pat on the shoulder for another job well done in this endeavor. After almost a decade of trying to find new, relevant information about *Bruce. Up until a year ago, everything I found about him was passe. They were the same things I found years ago, after we lost contact. Anything else was useless; dead ends. 

I didn't stop. What seemed like a dead end a year ago had a secret passageway--there was a door I didn't see. One discovery led to another and... I found him.

I found out he didn't give me his full name--just the first two. Using those, I found at least five or six of his accounts. I can easily contact him now, but I am hesitant.

Why?

He was my first boyfriend. I'm not sure, but I think I was his first girlfriend as well. We were good friends before we took things to the next level. However, because of his immaturity and egocentrism and self-absorption, I left him. I wish I didn't have to, but even at age 15 I knew I couldn't put up with it. I sent him a note then disappeared.

I remember looking him up shortly after that. He never showed himself again. I saw a couple of his blogs and he never wrote about having any relationship. The slightest hint of that went along the lines of "I'm happy my friend won the girl over, as for me, I never really cared about love, nor do I care about it right now. We'll see if that changes at all."

I want closure. That's why I tried reaching out to two other guys I've had a thing with in the past, and lost touch with. I was mighty scared at first, because the reason those guys and I stopped talking was because things didn't work out. Either I hurt them, or they hurt me. I expected to be attacked once I introduced myself, but so far, so good, even with the nastiest parting I've ever had. To be honest, I am still searching for one last person, but things didn't end bad with that one, so I don't care as much. But Bruce? We definitely need closure.

Whether that girl he's with in that one picture is his girlfriend or not.

Whether Miles* and I are working out or not.


Honestly, I don't know why I'm so concerned about Bruce, when I am currently in need of a new job.

-Sighs.-



Dear Hotaru,

Nagisa finally found you. Nagisa will always find you. She's back to say she's sorry.
And "Let's continue our journey."



Lilith

--

*Code name/s

Lilith: The coin is suspended in the air

Ah, finally. After weeks, I have an update on my gloomy life! Where do I start?

After around a hundred applications and less than 30 interviews, Lady Luck decided to be my gal one fateful Friday. I don't care whether she's drunk or high, everything worked in my favor. I was right to keep believing in the power of energies--you can't really have bad energy around you all the time. Things have to change some time.

I've been having such bad luck lately that I'm sure it's about to get balanced out soon. However, I wasn't expecting extremely good luck--so when I had it, man was I psyched.

About two weeks ago, I went to an interview not really expecting anything, but doing my best, anyway. Company A's hiring process is pretty quick, I finished all interviews in one day and before lunch time, too (well... half past noon). I guess I've gotten so used to interviews and I've gone over my failed ones mentally too much that I just couldn't say anything wrong anymore. The only things that would stand in my way are: the interviewer's impression of me (which, if they are judgmental like some of the assholes I've met who just didn't like me for no particular reason would keep me from getting the job) and my ability to explain that my experience, skills and abilities are good enough for the job and the company. 

Alas, I didn't have any problem with those, and surprisingly, I was able to impress Company A's big boss. I think the Boss A was pretty cool, too, although I would assume we're a little too alike, which can be a problem for me. Before the interview ended, he said, "I really want you on my shortlist." and that if they contact me again, it will be because they will make an offer. I had another interview that day, with Company B, which, I'm pleased to know, liked me as well.

I had about ten minutes to finish my crappy burger (late lunch) before my interview with them. I had a good feeling about Company A and the fact that Boss A liked my attitude gave me confidence that I can easily top anyone else who has more or less the same work experience as I do. I think that a great attitude can take you places (well... now I believe it can. Haha). So, I thought, if Company B doesn't like me, or thinks my work experience isn't relevant, I'll be okay.

Well, surprise. I did well with the initial interview (I got compliments!) and I was asked to go meet the would-be supervisor, but I have to rush to another district. (I'm so glad my dad was there to drive me to where I had to go, whew.) It was getting late, but I wanted to show dedication, so I said yes and made my way there. Someone told me that  Boss B/the supervisor was really nice and that I would probably do well in my interview with her. I couldn't believe my luck--I was doing great in my interviews, and all I did was be myself and express how I felt about the job. Nobody tested me, nobody tried to look for dirt on me. It was so incredible that I can't believe it was all me (come on, considering I had bad luck 9 out of 10 times when it came my applications)-- I wanted to blame my fortune. I really don't want to sound crazy, but I think the goddess of luck took a liking to me.

I'm seriously not complaining, I'm humbled by all this!

I went to the interview with Boss B, and did well--she said, "I'm very interested," and told me I'll be hearing from them the following week. I was excited, knowing she would be a great boss because she's brilliant. She knows her craft, and if I worked under her, I know I would end up being a gem of some sort. I'm not expecting to become a goddamn diamond (although I want to be one), but I'll be a pretty fucking precious gem under her mentorship/leadership. I just hoped that the following interviews with Company B would turn out good.

The following week, I got a call from Company A asking me to come over. I didn't know what it was about, because I remember BA (Boss A) saying I will hear from HIM if it's a job offer. I assumed that a supervisor will be interviewing me or they wanted to see me again because they can't choose between two candidates. I almost died when he said he was offering me the job. My final interviews with Company B will not be until the end of the week, and I didn't want to tell them I wanted to see what the other company wanted to offer me as well, so I can make a decision.

BA said he didn't want to put me on the spot, but he wanted an answer right away. As in, right there and then. The statement was contradicting itself, I thought, but I understood his point. I never got the impression that filling the position was urgent, though. I was never told that. I was sure he wanted to hire me right away to get things over with, but he didn't give me much of a choice and wanted me to cancel my other applications. Also, I was told that if I accepted the offer, I will be attending a meeting that afternoon with the board. I was shocked because I did not know what to expect, and I wish I had been told that.

He gave me 20 minutes to think it over while he talked to another applicant he was offering another position to. I got in touch with my friends and family to help me make a decision because I was so confused. I wished people here were more professional and didn't get pissed at you for considering other offers or applications. People are easily offended over here, and so it wouldn't be so wise to tell them that you are considering other companies.

I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast. I took a gamble and said, "if they don't accept me after telling them this, then it just wasn't meant to be". I was surprised when I informed BA that I can't accept the offer right now because I really wanted to think it over. He knew what that meant and I was surprised he gave me a few days. I promised to call at as soon as possible once I've made a decision. I thought they were going to drop me (he implied a few times that if I'm on board, I'm on board; or else, they'll continue looking for other candidates) but he saw my decisiveness and how professional I was about it (probably saw himself in me), and couldn't just say 'fuck it'.

I was glad about that, because if my application with Company B didn't work out, I'm assured of a job with Company A. I think it's pretty obvious now that I'm more inclined towards Company B--I'll explain in a bit.

Anyway, I was told that Big Bosses from Company B will be conducting the final interviews. I was expecting to have it with just one of them, but it turns out we all have to meet Big Boss A before the last interview with Big Boss B.

I had a tip about BBA (Big Boss A): that he can be intimidating and I have to do my best to impress him. I was very nervous because even when I smiled and had a pleasant energy about me, I felt it was ignored.

I was starting to see a pattern with how they do interviews with Company B--you have to try to put a poker face on and minimalize any form of expression or emotion. I noticed, however, that after the interviews, the interviewers appear to be much more pleasant; nice, even.

Going back to the interview with BBA--he asked me a few questions, some of which took me by surprise. One, in particular, scared me so much it gave me long pauses in between words. My mind felt like it was all over the place, so my initial answer was wrong, but he explained to me that that was not the answer he was looking for, so I re-answered it. Apparently, the question is kind of like a staple during job interviews: what is the job description for the position you're applying for?

I remembered all the job descriptions I read online whenever I sent out applications to employers and patterned my answered after those. Fortunately, I got it right, and he seemed to be relieved I got the answer, as well. He warned me that the culture, and job will be challenging and competitive, and told me I should be ready for that. Earlier during the interview, I mentioned that public speaking was one of my skills, and he said that even when I mentioned I had that skill, I seemed to be very uncomfortable. Again, honesty and sincerity saved me--I calmly told him that I don't have a problem interacting with a variety of people, however, I was a little nervous because I wanted to do well in the interview because I wanted to work for the company. I was glad when he said that that was okay. When I left, I thought I blew it.

I was asked to come back after lunch. I met this guy who was applying for the same position as I did, and asked him about his own application. I would most likely be seeing him around if we both got in so I tried being friendly with him. We talked after lunch and shared our experiences with the interview we just had--apparently his didn't go too well. Nonetheless, the fact that we were asked to return for the SUPER FINAL interview meant that we passed, which was a huge relief. Neither of us believed we did good with BBA, but now that we only had one more thing keeping us from getting a job offer, we wished each other luck and hoped for the best.

We waited for around an hour and talked about our previous jobs, where we lived and our work experiences. I found out later that we graduated from the same university (we were both excited about this) and we know at least one common person. He was actually just a year my senior, and because we went to the same building in college, we might have crossed paths but never really knew. We thought it was cool.

We got more and more nervous as time passed by, but we were also excited and started to talk about what it would be like working there. We laughed about how we were getting ahead of ourselves and forced ourselves to worry about the present first.

My interview with BBB (Big Boss B) was okay. I was unsure if she liked me, or if I was convincing; again, they tried to maintain a neutral expression, so I didn't know if I was saying something good or not. I used the Honest and Sincere cards again, and although I stuttered a couple of times and wished I had said some things better, I just told myself I did my best, and if I didn't make it, I had another offer anyway.

Later that night, I got a message from Company B saying I passed, and I will be getting a job offer the following week.

I was in a state of confusion after I finished my application with Company B. I started going over the pros and cons of each organization, and realized there were more pros with Company A than B. The only thing that drew me towards B was the prestige I will get from my work experience there. However, I'll have to make a shitton of sacrifices--move out, meaning spend a lot on rent/water/electricity and food, risk not having a strong internet connection at the boarding house and share a room with other people (no privacy). Plus, I'm assuming the job will be as stressful as my previous one; and that was one of the reasons I left that one in the first place.

It appears I would have more freedom with A, and I'm sure people won't be hard to deal with. I don't have to move out and I can sleep later and go home later with no problem. I can basically go to work and come home with my eyes closed. I don't have to give everything up, so I will have more savings; meaning, I can get myself a camera and/or my own laptop and go to a photography class. 

Even later that day, though, I realized that making sacrifices, learning from the right people, and working for a well-known, big organization will benefit me in the long run, compared to... well... not giving up anything, hoarding short-term benefits and working for an organization even smaller than my previous one. I've talked to my loved ones and friends about this, and at times they would ask me to make a decision because I have to pick whatever works for me; but not once did they show any indication that they favored A (despite all the added benefits on top of having a job). They all agreed that despite the BIG BAD cons parading behind company B's job offer (which I have yet to see, by the way), it was still more beneficial for me.

I ended up asking Miles* what he thought, and as much as he wanted me to be more healthy, have more time to relax and not have to give up so many things (the list is too long, I can even squeeze it in here) just to be able to work, if it'll help me in the long run, then I should go for it. He said that it doesn't matter that I put up with the stress for another two years, because I'll be with him by then. Sounded good to me.

I have high hopes about this new job. It's a blessing and I worked hard to get it, so I'll will myself to maintain positive feelings for it. I hope that everything goes well and I can stay for more than just one year here, and that I'll love the people I'll be working with. I hope that I get to feel the pros more than the cons the longer I stay. I hope this helps me more than hurts me, and best of all, I hope this freaking improves my health somehow!

I hope my decisions don't fail me.


Wish me luck.

Lilith

--

*Code name/s

ATYT: Conflicted about having kids

I've recently been having a dilemma about kids. It seems the older I get, the less attractive the idea of having them is. It's strange--before college, I could never imagine myself having kids. In fact, I always shelved the idea when it crossed my mind. All I knew back then was I only wanted one child in the future, but that's it.

I started getting broody in college. I would have dreams about my future daughter, and once, my future son, and got depressed in the morning because in the dreams my 'baby' always ends up being taken away from me somehow. In one dream, my beautiful daughter was kidnapped. In another, my newborn son died. Nonetheless, I really wanted to have a child for some reason. Not a baby... like, a toddler. I wanted to take care of something. I was being a woman, and I guess my nurturing instincts were at its peak at that time because it was probably the best time for me to have children. I believe your body dictates your would-be lifestyle--tailored-fit to your unique self, of course. However, the Real World Lilith wasn't ready. She was in college, had so much ahead of her that should not yet involve children.

I've always been awkward with kids. I'd always be too polite with the majority of them, whether they're blood-related to me or not. I've only been comfortable with one or two children in my life--and they weren't even relatives. They were also far from shy, and very intelligent. Yep, you guessed it--I'm not the type to baby-talk kids and give them funny nicknames. I do that with pets. But humans are humans and I talk to kids the way I talk to regular people--more patient, more caring, kinder, of course, but I don't lengthen words and use a weird voice with them. I understand some kids may prefer this, because if they see that an adult could switch to I-speak-kid mode, they could easily relate to them.

I'm not sure if my uncertainty stems from that fact... let's ask psych majors. All I know is, right now, my life is a mess and so many things are holding me back from doing the things I need to do and want to do... and I feel like the time I originally hoped to have kids would have to be pushed further into the future.

There's also the nasty reality of having to go through so much stress and pain, for at least 21 years--from the time Lilith Junior is a fetus up 'til when she's in college. If she's a little more like me then she'll continue to be under my care (ish) 'til infinity.

It's like... I don't know. You carry them in your belly for nine months where your activities are somewhat limited: no meds, you can't do certain physical activities, you can't dye your hair, you have all these... preggo symptoms you have to deal with... you go through labor and it hurts like fuck, you have to feed your child and they pull too hard and it hurts like fuck, you stay up all night trying to figure out why they're crying, and then they get old enough to get themselves in enough trouble to give you heart attacks, then they get even older and start rejecting your attempts to correct, guide or even connect with them because they're at a very awkward stage where they are confused with so many things in life that they just want you to stay away, then they get into loads of trouble again that, despite how tolerant you believed you were, you just couldn't stand seeing your own flesh and blood fucking up like that and you get massive headaches at the shit they pull, then they start sleeping around and having relationships and they just won't open up to you sometimes and it drives you crazy but you can't do anything about it... et cetera... the list goes on.

This is the ugly truth.

The moment you decide to (whether it was accidental at first or not) have a child, thousands of other possibilities end for you. True, you open a whole different chapter in your life when you enter parenthood, but I cringe at the echoing voices of a thousand people I've heard all throughout my life who reiterate: 'parenthood is beautiful' and 'mothers are heroes' and 'children bring you joy, they are gifts' and 'having children is the most wonderful thing in the world'. These are all truths, and I clearly remember agreeing... however, right now, I can only shake my head at the thought.

Just like there are no perfect parents, there are no perfect children. There will be shittons of disappointment and I'm sure it'll hurt; I can just imagine how horrible my parents feel knowing I am the way I am. Of course they accept me, as every parent should, but I know that deep inside, parents will always want to change something about their children. It doesn't matter how trivial it is... we're all human, and we all strive to be the best we can be and we want the 'best' for people we love. Then again, same concept--we're human, so we have different interpretations of what's 'best' for us and for others.

I guess now I realize that parenthood isn't about just raising children well. Of course it is... but... there's a bigger complication that comes with it, and that is the burden of acceptance. Now I understand that I am not ready. Ready to nurture a baby, yes. Ready to raise one... not so much.

I hope I'd still be young enough by the time I decide to give it a go. Haha. And I hope by that time I'd accomplished as much as I should to deserve a reward, a Little Lilith.


Lilith

Lilith: Toll fees

The title is not literal.



I suck. I used to write very good blog posts... back in my not-so-anonymous blogs. Now I can only sigh at the length and the frustrating lack of passion in every word I seem to post on here. I think the best one has been the very first entry—but I guess all this—this hollow sensation I’m getting—is just because I feel like my life has no real purpose right now. I’m unemployed, having a hard time looking for a job, probably being rejected by all the firms I’ve sent applications to and that have screened me, and probably made a stupid mistake turning down a job offer only because it will ruin my health.

(Only ruin my health? Really? “Only”?

(hmm, guess I still made the right decision...?))

I think my depression shows through my eating and sleeping habits: my appetite has been weak for almost two months now. I gained back the ten pounds I lost when I was still employed, but I’m not exactly healthy. I think I eat half the amount of what I usually do, which is 50% less than the right amount of food intake if I want to reach my goal weight. More meat! More carbs! More veggies! But nope. I’m too depressed right now to even get excited over my favorite dishes. That, ladies and gentlemen, got me very worried.

I discovered something—with the right kind of rice, and with some chopsticks I can eat as much as I can without having to deal much with my PMS-y appetite. But we didn’t have any chopsticks, so I ate with one hand, using a fork. For everything.

I think there’s a certain appeal to eating with one hand as opposed to two; an appeal to only being able to put so much in your mouth at one time. A spoon can easily ruin that—especially a big one (which we have and use. Can’t stand it! Toads have bigger mouths than I do!).

I think there’s a deeper science with eating food. Duh. There definitely is—it’s psychology. If people who work in the food industry know there’s a proper way to eat certain foods (y’know, what wine goes with what, what type of pasta or cheese to use with what dish, etc.), then there are ways to literally eat food that will make them taste better for you.

I think M&M’s taste better when you crush them with your teeth while they’re lying vertically between them. When I was in high school, I knew a couple of people that ate their potato chips by crushing the contents and getting a plastic spoon to scoop the crushed bits with. I’ve heard of people using ketchup for everything—yes, even for dishes with soup. *Shudder*

Here’s my fascination with consuming only tiny, bite-sized amounts of food in my mouth—figured it always leaves you wanting more. Our helper’s cooking is a carbon copy of my mom’s, so there’s no room for disinterest. I thought how embarrassing it would be if people actually saw me eating with just a fork, but you have to do something to maintain your health.

I keep running out of companies to send applications to. I’ve looked up Top 1000 companies and sent applications even to whatever hasn’t been included in the list. I was stupid not to start searching right after I left my job.

Ugh, but I needed to rest. I was a wreck—I literally looked like a zombie back then. You’ve no idea.

If I wasn’t so goddamned unhealthy, I could’ve just saw to it that I’d have a place to go to after leaving work. Oh, well, I’m young and stupid. Young people make mistakes (but they’re pretty fucking dumb if they repeat them... so that means I’m brainless!) and I figured the best way to learn from something is to learn it the hard way.

I’ve gotten lost so many times, but it’s because of those moments of darkness that I am now enlightened.

Shit, did the brainless Lilith just say something cool? Uh oh, damn, now I’m gonna be popular. Hey, want me to sign your shirt? Your butt?


Kidding aside.

I give myself brain damage by smashing my head against the wall everyday out of sheer self-disappointment... but something keeps telling me that I’m still doing the right thing. I mean, I’m doing my best. I’ve done nothing but look for jobs and send applications besides reading books, watching and reading the news, eating, bathing and sleeping.

I’m on the right track. I’m on the right track. I’m on the right track.

Right?

Lilith

Lilith: What has changed since then

One of the many things I considered before I decided to go back into blogging was the radical change of my life’s scenery today from a few years ago. Let’s see: a few years ago, I was still in university, biting my nails over my future each day. A few years ago, I wanted to live on my own (I still do, because... who doesn’t?), but it was a much bigger deal back then, because I was not expecting to spend my money on something more expensive in the near future. I would sleep so early at night, around 7-8:00 p.m., to wake up extremely early in the morning, around 2-3:00 a.m., so I could talk to the guy I liked. I had 3 a.m. “dinners”. I’ve never had a dog give birth. I was more single than not. I looked better because I regularly went to a martial arts class. I was unemployed. Unemployed.

I have a caffeine problem right now. I don’t like the taste of acid of my tongue, not to mention the unbearable pain brought about by Being A Fucking Woman at certain times of the month, so I tried withdrawing from coffee. It was fine at first, until my body (yeah, right) realized that it’s what jumpstarts me every day. It’s what launches me into the damn moon. But in the afternoon, a nagging feeling drags me to the kitchen to make myself another mug. I know... another. Mug.

I think I’ve gotten so used to the sour/bitter taste in my tongue that I probably wouldn’t know when to stop, even when I have to. I wonder if decaf will help.

I am currently floating between ‘single’ and ‘taken’ and it’s not the most comfortable thing. I’ve had some serious issues with Miles*... and for that reason, I’ve stopped being too reliable. I mirror his indifference, much to his dismay, but hey, you should get only as much (or less) as you give if you’re an asshole.

I am still being punished for making the stupidest decision in my life: leaving (read: not ‘quitting’, as my previous boss so insistently asserted when I handed over my resignation letter) my job without a replacement job.

When I look back on the day of my resignation, I wonder how things could have turned out if I chickened out. I was about to meet a new client, my first own account, the day after I planned to submit my letter (my boss was on sick leave that day). If I stayed longer, I probably would have been promoted around this time. Something tells me, though, that I would have broken down at some point, because I was a zombie even before I resigned.

God, you should’ve seen me. Gray skin, eye bags, stringy hair... my body was a thin layer of flesh covering bones.

I couldn’t sleep, did not want to go out during the weekends, barely ate because of stress and depression, hated myself everyday for going to work. I knew from the very beginning that pursuing a career that I knew I wouldn’t like would someday take its toll on me... and it did early on... but it did that more and more, each event worse than the previous one.

I’m still somehow relieved I left, because things could have only gotten worse. It wasn’t really the people, not the clients, not the environment. It was definitely not me. It was the nature of the job that I didn’t like—I always knew I wasn’t made for that line of work. I still thank heavens all the time for giving me the opportunity to survive for a year in a harsh environment, to have the best training ground in my career life, for the lessons and the great people who entered my life. I still made the right decision, and it could have been a very good one had I immediately started job-hunting.

No. I rested for two months. When I started seeking work again, it was hard. There’ve been many interviews, but none of them felt right for me. I am trying to make the right decision this time, but it’s now gotten so difficult that I am just about ready to jump on any opportunity, no matter how much I know I’ll regret it later on.

I hope I don’t have to. I have been heartbroken by three potential employers just because I thought the job would be perfect. I am desperately holding on to hope, but running out of time doesn’t really help you stay positive.

Tomorrow’s my interview with a big real estate business. I’m guessing if I am ever considered for the post that it will be a challenging job, but I still hope to be picked. Nothing is more important to me now than getting my brain cells, my life going again.

If I never find myself working in a non-profit organization, I’m fine with working for a big name. I’ll just have to wait for another opportunity for that one—when I have an established career, I guess.

The ironies of life are amusing! When you’re used to looking at both the negative and positive of every option, decision and situation, you often realize that you’re better off where you are now than somewhere else. It’s the second half of the year and even when I am not earning, I am healthy, happier than if I stayed at my old workplace, look better, and can draw and read and write for leisure all I want. I’m supposed to get married in two years, supposed to have my own place around this time, but NOPE. But I have a fairly good relationship with my parents, and now that I am at my age, I realize that that’s actually pretty cool.

\m/

Dear Readers, this is Lilith Otrera. Welcome to Surrealistic Realism. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

Lilith

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