Thursday, March 20, 2014

Lilith: Falling Out


When Miles* and I met, we were both idealistic teenagers. We knew the distance was a hindrance to our relationship, but we met halfway, no matter what, and did our best to make up for what kept us apart. We talked for hours and hours everyday; we talked as much as we can. We couldn't get enough of one another. Each year, we got to know each other better; each year, it got easier to get mad at each other. Despite that, we stayed together. We were probably so glued together that even when we wanted to stay apart, we couldn't. We were inevitable.


We were from different industries, all right. We knew this early on. As we set out to pursue our own dreams, we made sure that it'll work out for us in the long run. We had a few years to climb that ladder (our dreams); and once we're there, we would get more liberty. We won't have any problems getting together, because we followed the right path--a path that was our own. It didn't matter that it will take me a few years, having jobs unrelated to what I really wanted to do. What mattered was that in the end, we still get to fulfill that. We supported each other. Of course, we promised each other to do our best not to let our dreams get between us--because we were part of those dreams. 

We were in each other's minds every step of the way. We considered each other with every decision we made. We were far from perfect, but we still had our dreams in mind--and so we continue to pursue them. No matter what, we had to achieve what we wanted.


I still want to be a Photographer. I think he still has the same dream he had five years ago. However, we both share the same current situation: we're stuck with jobs that we are good at, but don't have much to do with what we really want. First, we swore we would only let ourselves be separated for a couple of year. Additional years after that frustrated us. Him, actually. I was all right with it at first, considering that I needed more time working my way up. I actually wanted a promotion that would allow me to buy the equipment and pay for the training. As I started to like what I was doing for work, I kind of put my real dream aside from the time being.

Meanwhile, his difficult job that gave him no freedom to........ do anything he wished, was becoming a bigger threat to our relationship. With his temporary assignment abroad, and the very limited time for communication (barely an hour a week), and my distrust and paranoia, our already rusty relationship was literally about to fall apart.

I had been so frustrated with him recently. He was being selfish, rude, impatient, inconsiderate, oh, I could go on... and of course, his lack of effort to try to be nice was frustrating as well. You can leave him alone without any follow-up, and he will not be better. You can follow up, and he'll get mad at you for pointing out "negative things about" him that he claims to "know already", and... yes, you guessed it; still no improvement.

I need to fix myself, too. But knowing he is NOT doing anything to make himself better makes it hard for me to change. The only real problems about me? I am short with him, and I don't trust him enough. I identify the problem in our relationship and discuss it with him and come up with an action plan we both agreed would work. But whether or not I stop being a bitch, he still continues being an ass. Can you blame me 100% for blowing my top all the time? I needed to control myself--and he did, too. He doesn't hold back at all.

Realization hit me hard a couple of days ago when we fought. This isn't new--I knew at least a year ago that he was beginning to fall out of love. If that wasn't bad enough, I could tell he was starting to love me less and less. I think we're almost at the end of this relationship. He was ready to give me up. Whenever I think of leaving, he would stop me. He would get mad at me, even, because he thinks I'm just going to give up. But recently, when I bring up that possibility, he would agree to it. It was no issue to him.

In fact, before our last fight, he himself was trying to push me away. He was justifying his reason for a breakup--I didn't care anyway. He said that, at least three times. He then scared me, on purpose, by telling me he decided to take a job that will make things worse for us, that will keep us apart longer, make this relationship harsher and more painful. He was attacking me. He was trying to hurt me. He knew it would hurt me, so he said it. Later on, when I told him I was shocked he said that (he promised me, when he first started working, that he will take the safest job and one that was most convenient for our relationship so we wouldn't spend time apart so much) he probably lied to me about his job, he was quick to defend himself. "No, this is what I meant". He was quick to feign innocence. I misunderstood. I took it the wrong way. He didn't say it right. Yeah, you didn't just try to smash my head with words. Uh huh. Of course, my loving partner.

He told me he basically had no choice but to go with that job. After I pointed a shaking finger at him, and after he quickly held his hands up in innocence, he said it was the best choice among other options out there. So, there were options, then. The others just so happened to keep our relationship intact.... but he chose the one that would destroy us.

He decided it was the best choice for us (he was still covering his ass; if he weren't mad at me, he would've sobbingly informed me that none of the job options pleased him one bit because they all sacrificed something) for us (without informing me or considering my thoughts or feelings), and that all I have to do is "be stronger for him".

So, as the poor woman, the shadow of this man, I shall just quietly and meekly accept my fate--I will follow him wherever he goes, and take the pain like a champ. He shall decide for our future, and I shall have no say and just "be strong for him" so we can stay together. No, fucker. He was taking me for granted.

I gave so many things up for him--people, time, my health, my happiness. I sacrificed my career, friendships, a social life, good relationships with my relatives, money, without thinking twice--for him. Now he's just had enough of that. He's too sick of me (he used to say no matter what happens he'll love me and stay with me. He would tolerate the worst of my sins and I would do the same. Now it takes a single word to anger him and make him up and leave me... unfortunately I am not the same. At least not anymore.) now that he's finding ways to get away from me. This was probably how things ended with his last ex. He just wanted to get rid of her; but he couldn't even when she was crazy, because she was needy and he felt guilty. If guilt is the only thing keeping him around, God, help me, because I don't know what to do with myself.

This is going to sound pathetic, but he's all I really got left. He's the only genuine thing I can rely on. I would mention two others--my parents--but it would be selfish to do so. They're sick, and stressed, and have heavier crosses to bear that I just don't want to add to that weight. I don't have anything and I don't have anyone else. Before I met him, I had everything. I lost everything because I chose him. Now he's leaving me, too.

He took everything back. He said he wouldn't take that job but there's no telling what happens. I say there IS. He can avoid that at all costs, if he wants this relationship. If he picks it, then I know where his priorities lie. That will be the final factor that will determine whether or not he still feels a thing for me. 

He said that he would pick that job because it would give him more importance. And he will earn more money. The thing is, I don't believe the money part. He's been bragging about earning so much since he started working, and he's been broke for five years. The money argument won't work anymore. So, really, it's because he wanted that job. Here's mister hurry-the-fuck-over-here-so-I-can-wake-up-next-to-you-every-day, telling me to wait for 8,709 more years for him because he's all LOLJK HEY BRB GOTTA TAKE THIS AWESOME JOB STAY THERE, STAY. STAY. GOOD GIRL! BE STRONG FOR ME. KBYE

Moreover, he solidified his selfishness and inconsideration by saying he doesn't want to live a mediocre life and he doesn't want a "mediocre wife" who doesn't support him. He wants the perfect job and a perfect wife. The thing is, the job he's talking about isn't his dream. Of course I don't fucking support it. That wasn't the deal. It will hurt our relationship. Why would I be up for it? Why have the tables turned? He was the one who urged me to move in with him on our first and second years together. Now that I want that, he wants the opposite and wanted to pursue his career instead. He did everything to justify his decision. He said so many WRONG things, I hope he was sober. I don't want him to say it was the alcohol or stress or lack of sleep talking. If he was going to say hurtful things, he better not be fuzzy-brained.

I told him he can't always have everything he wanted. He said he could, because his career and his relationship are both under his control. 

Wow. I really am just an object, right? A shadow?

Meaning, no matter what, he has to have a perfect career and relationship--so he'll do anything for these to happen. If he had to get a better girl, one who is a total lost puppy unlike me, he will. He'll get rid of me. Because pursuing the career you want is easy.

Mediocre VS Non-Mediocre

He said he wants to be the best in anything he does. (Really? Why aren't you being the best boyfriend to me? You've been treating me like SHIT!) He wasn't a black belt for nothing.

I told him, sorry, I don't share the same sentiment. This was the first time I admitted this, even to myself. My mother called my grades mediocre, and I would get shit from my parents for having average grades--in elementary school, high school, and college. I didn't aim for the top. I thought it was silly. I secretly fantasized about doing that--about being just like my mom and my cousins... honor students who excelled in sports, dancing, debating, writing, organizing, leading, singing, etc. It was the first time I really accepted that it was okay to be who I am. I didn't care about being the best. I just wanted the best. I didn't have to be it.

I thought about all the things I did--from playing the guitar to writing to creating art to singing to doing martial arts to keeping fit. I never completely committed to any of them. They were all very important to me, but I didn't feel the need to constantly improve myself in them. They were like flings. They were like booty calls to me. I knew photography was the one; I knew it was the career I'll eventually find myself marrying. But what? I'm stuck with my booty calls 'til then. I am not a pro in any of these, not even close. Mediocre. That's right. I just want to do what I want to do, be able to do it properly with no pressure to be perfect at it. Unlike him. 


I remember my best friend telling me a couple of months ago that she almost broke up with her boyfriend. 

Guess why?

She decided on some things on her own. She made plans for her future without his consideration. Without consulting him. I thought it was the strangest thing to get mad about. Why would he get mad? They weren't married.

I didn't get it 'til it happened to me.

Tomorrow, when I get home, I'll get myself shitfaced.



*Code name/s

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Lilith: Music for the Restless Soul

I have been doing my best to keep myself occupied these past few days. Somehow, I still can't bring myself to feel guilty or mad that I left my job. However, I do miss having things to do; stressing over things that actually matter... being a useful human being and feeling responsible for something good.

How many interviews have I turned down? For every 10 applications I send out, an average of 4.5 would contact me for an interview. What led me to send out as many applications as possible isn't the fact that I'd like to pursue a career with them, though; it's just out of desperation. I'll admit, I really just want to know that I have a lot of options, and I like knowing that I have a fallback, should my world collapse without a moment's notice.

I only go to 2 out of the 4.5 potential employers that call me back. Because I am a stuck-up millenial.

I guess I should've gone to that one interview after all. I knew I probably wouldn't want to get the job; it sounds like it'll make me want to leave after just a few months. But I also wanted to be exposed to people who work at what I believe is an atypical corporate set-up. That, and I wanted to get some milk tea and a box of doughnuts on the way home, which I'll never do if I had no reason to go out (saving money...). Spilled milk. Oh, well.

I believe I've done as much as I can think of--watched movies, series, read manga, checked my social media 100 times a minute, checked the time every two minutes, believing it's been thirty...

...played with the dogs, moved around, watched about a hundred trailers on YouTube and discovered new music, tried to keep up a conversation with people that piss me off just to get my mind off things, just to keep me busy...

...actually bothered to watch TV again, ate 'til I ran out of things to eat (I believe the reason I gain weight when I'm stuck at home is because I get too bored and antsy and am desperately trying to keep myself busy, doing at least 2 things at a time), developed OCD (no joking here, I think I'm starting to have this)...

I'm depressed, and don't eat meals on time. I wouldn't want to eat 'til I have people on the table to eat with. I'd starve myself 'til someone would eat with me. A couple of times, I waited too long, I found out they went ahead without me. Thanks for the invitation! Much appreciated.

I thought nothing would fill the void. I thought nothing would heal me. I said, "calm down, listen to some music. Update your blog." I played a song I downloaded yesterday, and started to feel better. I started to listen to the lyrics that I was unconsciously drawn to... which probably led to me downloading it. It definitely wasn't just the catchy tune.

Well, whaddaya know, I can relate to the words very well. I started to nod my head to the music, but after I listened to it thrice, I started to feel bitter again. I'm such a loser. 

I'd make coffee twice a day after I told myself I should stay away from caffeine because I've been developing an addiction... again, just to distract myself. I look forward to interviews now, despite that horrible interview that went down last week. I don't give a fuck. I'll take insults from strangers any day, just get me out of here.

I'm a home body. Now I'm not. My safe haven, my room, my house... now feels like a mental institution. Geez. I'm pathetic.

I'm also battling with pride. Lots of it. I wish I didn't have to, but I am. I keep convincing myself, like a madwoman, that I'm being paranoid, about everything. You think it's this, but it's actually that. It's actually more okay than I think. Things are fine, and I'm just restless.

Now that I know that music can help me, I would probably spend the rest of the day music-tripping and preparing for tomorrow's interview. I hope all goes well for that one. Really.

I really need to get a job soon, I think I'm going mad. I need to do something!


Thursday, March 13, 2014

ATYT: the bratty employers' market

It's hard to ace interviews where the employer tries to find faults in every decision you make. I'd try to imagine myself answering question X with A, but I know what the interviewer will conclude from that answer and mention it's a concern, so I think of answering with B, but the interviewer will find it as another concern. For example, if you say you are independent, they'll tell you they can't have some antisocial fucker work for them because sometimes you need to work with others. Sorry, but independence doesn't mean social awkwardness or refusal to work in a team. However, if you say you are a people person, they're going to tell you that they need someone independent and has no problem with working alone because you can't always expect support from your coworkers. Apparently, in an interview, the proper way to describe yourself to some morons should be like this:

"I am both up and down. I am white, however, I'm black, too (hell, I can even be any shade of gray any day!). I'm smooth, but also rough. I'm cold and hot at the same time!"

Then they'll give you a slow clap.

It's odd that there are right or wrong answers during job interviews where correct answers aren't required. It's also unfair that you get judged for something so trivial AND THEN insulted, that no matter how good your skills or experience or demeanor, they'll just shoot you down. If it's a test of patience or tolerance, that's okay. But I'm positive that 90% of those kinds of interviewers (not from the HR, but hiring managers) were dead serious about being rude. I was going through pages and pages of complaints about rude hiring managers on a forum last night after my experience with a small company (here, where I'm from), operating behind a quite well-known international brand... and hearing about worse stories didn't make me feel better. In fact, having been interviewed, I believe, so much more than people my age that I know, I can say I haven't really met anyone who was just downright demonic. I've had hiring managers:

-looking at my resume, smirking condescendingly all the time while asking me questions whose answers he didn't believe (what's the point then?),

-implying that I should dress better (honestly and humbly speaking... I dress up pretty well on a regular basis and you can ask around about this... so of course when going to interviews my look is much more upgraded, and I don't get this part one bit--did they want me to wear expensive brands with a bigass logo printed on my bag, shoes, my blazer's back etc., to be impressed? Did they want me to wear 24k gold jewelry or diamonds or pearls or... 24k gold shoes with diamonds and pearls embedded in them? Or should I have entered the room in a carriage, or being carried by my butler, and offer them some champagne? For real.),

-telling me my relevant work experience was not relevant (I later on laughed at this experience, after I found out that that company was particular with hiring employees who are at least half-Chinese, and who are preferably round-faced [for good luck, I was told] and I'm so sorry I'm just a Pacific mutt with brains, a good personality and the right experience... boo hoo),

-telling me that they wanted fresh grads but those freshies have to have a few years of experience in the industry (huh???),

-telling me they want fresh grads but should not have to train them (as if you really learn about how things really go down in college! These are all books and simulations! I've been there; are you crazy? You can't not train fresh grads. Even the ones with good exposure to the industry needed to be guided!)

-reading into everything I say: "is doing so and so part of this position's job?" He said, "yes; do I sense hesitance in doing that? " No fucker I want to know the extent of the duties and responsibilities of that position because....... duh. I don't just take a job, not knowing that as a (sarcasm, for those who have difficulty identifying it) social media marketing executive I also have to clean toilets and sell cookies and also be the company driver. And do the CEO's daughters' homework.

-telling me I seem to be uncomfortable, therefore I can't communicate with all types of personalities (I was happy to find out last night, on that forum, that many interviewees get the "you're (too) shy/timid/lacking in confidence" when every. Single. Fucking. Applicant. Would. Always. Be. Nervous. During. An. Interview. It's nerves, excitement; they have to be alert and heighten their senses somehow and try to say the right things without knowing whether or not they're even doing so--have you ever been there? It's crazy! And then when you meet someone who isn't nervous, they're too cool and cocky? Wow, okay.

-not believing anything I say after previously not giving them a particular answer that they were looking for.
"Okay so Lilith, define love with one word." "Passion."
"Okay well that wasn't the answer I was looking for. Anyone who fits this position will definitely answer 'skiddadlewiddershins'. So have you done ABC before?"
"Yes (proceeds to give examples)"
"So no. No you haven't."
"I believe I did, and I have those examples to support this as well..."
"Nope. Wrong. So Lilith after I asked you 570, 084 questions about irrelevant stuff you learned in school a long time ago that basically nobody remembers anymore, I can tell that your knowledge is nonexistent. So what else can you contribute to the company if we give you this position?"
"I can W, X, Y and Z.... etc. Etc."
"Okay well we don't need W because I can do that. We don't need X because another one of our employees can do that. Y is pretty silly because duh it just is, and Z is useless 'cause I say so."
"So you're not knowledgeable and have nothing to offer so you may not fit here (proceeds to defend herself for calling me stupid and useless by acting "fair") so anyway, what sets you apart from other applicants?"
"I'm H, I, and J and I always K."

Obviously, for some reason, I stopped being a candidate after she didn't get the answer she wanted. She should have just let me go home so I can have lunch and continue to look for other opportunities!

Thanks for reading my emopunk rantings. I guess this had been bottled up for years that I just had to explode in such a way that the fresh grad-Lilith, early employment-Lilith and now-Lilith have  merged into one,therefore coming up with this mess of a blog post.

Also, TMI: I'm PMSing. And I'm so done with being insulted  yesterday. I still lost all my confidence and happiness and drive yesterday from being told that even with everything I know and can give, I don't even deserve an insulting minimum wage assistant job even after my non-rank-and-file, almost managerial experience just because she asked a bunch of high school entrance examination questions that I didn't answer the way she wanted me to. Boo hoo. :( A whole hour of putting me down... I hope she got a kick out of that! What a shithead.