Almost four months into my new job again, but I'm positive that this time, if something fucks up, I can at least wait until I've ended my probationary contract. I really do intend to stay, though, despite how strict the company is with leaves, absences and tardiness. I also work ten hours a day instead of the typical nine, with a position lower than my last one... though taking home more dough.
Work's distance is also a plus since it's much nearer to home compared to the two to three hour commute I used to do. People here are more tolerable and some of them are even nice friends. It's pretty awesome in general.
I get impatient with many things though. When everything is slow-paced, I mean it. You literally do nothing. Good thing we've got some pending projects now and I'm flexing my muscles in preparation of... getting shit done. I'm hoping to get a promotion here and I'm positive if I do very well ,then there's a very good chance I will.
I feel underemployed for some reason and that some other people are underqualified for their positions. It can be a huge hassle, I'm telling you. People you need to rely on sometimes are useless and you end up doing things yourself.... which can be a plus for me. It means I can get things done and I can do it better. I'm independent and capable.
I hate that people are sometimes unreliable, unconcerned and slow. I don't understand why a person can't care for their job if it's where they're getting their money from....... and if it's a pretty easy one as well. Honestly, the only thing that makes my job complicated at the moment is the load. That's all. There's just a lot to do... but it doesn't require too much thinking, like the one I had before.
Changes in the structure have changed since I've been here. It's strange how companies easily switch people's responsibilities like it's that easy. I heard last week that instead of handling one brand, I'll be a shares services person, helping out with several brands instead of just one. I shrugged at the thought. What's new? I've always handled more than one brand. Thank you, first job!
What's new with me and Miles, besides having a worse relationship? Haha. It's funny how whenever we improve in some aspects, we start to fail in others. He's much shorter with me, terrifyingly, irrationally shorter now, to be honest.... he now mocks me when I'm down. He doesn't like to spoil me anymore and do as I request no matter how much I explain to him it's what we, or I need. He doesn't think of me that much, but thinks too much about what other people would think of him. He's mostly real with me and hides behind several masks with other people. I wonder how many masks he uses on me?
I've declared myself single to him several times this year every time he shocked me with how much of an asshole he could be. He never fails to shock me in the bad attitudes he's been developing recently, but his old, albeit habits don't surprise me anymore. Despite this, I have a strange feeling he isn't cheating on me anymore. Then again, who am I to know? He just admitted to me this month that he does look at other women.... but denies that he checks them out. But notes that he notices that they're attractive. Um. Uh. Wha?
I couldn't get that mad--I notice good-looking people too. What scares me are the men around me. Deeply committed, but openly check women out in the absence of their wives/long-term girlfriends. I feel so bad for the ladies that I feel like intruding and telling on the assholes. One day. One day. :(
I can't help it. I've been there. Many of my loved ones have. I can't help but want to protect my fellow women from injustice.
I've become even more of a feminist now and I can't be any happier. I am educating people in little ways on how to be less sexist against women and LGBTs. I hope I'm helping somehow.
I've become more open to some concepts, too; objective and more accepting. Gay, bi children, giving them a bit more freedom than what I have (and I have a lot compared to other people my age), religion and non-religion, sentiments of various people based on age, culture, ethnicity, experience, et cetera. It's refreshing. You feel like you're above the Earth. You can see everything and don't have to take sides... while everyone else is chained by biases.
I wonder how things are going to end vetween Miles and I. Will we still be together or will we split up for real? He'll barely get to speak with me beginning next year... for almost two years because he picked a new job that requires that kind of intensive training (did that on a whim because he was mad at me... now we face the life-damaging consequences). I'm not sure we'll get to meet this holiday because even when he saves up more than enough to see me, I'm not sure I can take a three... or even two-week leave without getting fired.
When you're faced with problems like these, you need to address them, pronto.
Never run away.
Lilith
Showing posts with label millenials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label millenials. Show all posts
Monday, July 28, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
ATYT: On being a working loser
Since I left my job, I've gone back to a routine that's all too familiar and rather unwelcome: staying up late, waking up before noon (I've actually become better with my sleeping habits compared to when I was... much younger), not taking breakfast seriously/taking "Rockstar Breakfasts"** and of course, struggling with the jobhunt. True, the recent, almost month-long illness I recently dealt with ruined my momentum, but I can't help but be frustrated at the demons and angels constantly debating in my head--do I regret leaving my first job? Yes. No. Why do I? Why don't I? It was for the best. No, it wasn't. Do I regret leaving my second job without a replacement job after I seriously learned my lesson the first time? No. In fact, I had everybody's blessings! Including the goddamn company itself, no matter how much I wish I didn't (yet)! Wait, maybe I do? Maybe I should have just allowed assholes to humiliate me everyd--wait, no. I can't. Where did I go wrong? Did I even make a mistake?
And then, I look back, and realize I did nothing wrong. I couldn't stay. But something went wrong somewhere. However, I can't turn back time. I made decisions I regretted, but when I try to imagine taking the other available options for those situations, I can't help but accept that I picked the better choice.
The things I should've done, that could've made my resume look better, were so far back in the past; there's no helping it. I'm finding it strange that I am pissed at myself for things I have no control over. I've actually been making good career decisions since I started my second job... I am just angry that the circumstances made everything wrong even when they weren't supposed to be.
Look at me now. I sometimes have chips or candy for breakfast, then fall back asleep. I have lunch at 3 p.m., 4, even. I feel proud of myself when I have lunch at 2 or 1, and want to throw a party if I have it at noon. I feel accomplished when I eat a proper breakfast. I feel hopeful when I go to an interview and ace the easiest interview to ace--the first one, or any with an HR person. I feel depressed and make up excuses to treat myself to an expensive beverage, meal, or something nice by convincing myself that I deserve or need it. I play with the dogs every ow and then, they are a source of entertainment. I fight with Miles* often, making me question not the relationship, but the mental state of the people in it--are we okay? Is he, am I right in the head? Are we bipolar? Do we have anger issues? Are we short and hot because we are part of the highly pressured generation?
Just a few hours ago, my parents were giving me a glimpse of how things were in the past--people who married at 20 at a certain time were young. But, the generation before that married at 18, and that was okay. BUT! A generation before that married at 16 and that was the norm! Not too long ago, getting married in your mid-20's was pretty ideal. But a few years ago, when one of my cousins married at 27 or 28, my mom said they were too young. What the actual fuck?
Please excuse me while I silently consider my goal to marry at 24 and have a child a little after that.
Well, decisions change, and now that I'm close to my once marrying age goal, I don't think I'm up for it yet 'til I'm sure everything's set. But now most people are considering marrying in their 30's. I wonder if, 25 years from now, people will start considering marrying at an even later age. Is that how things work? Can we remember that our bodies deteriorate in time and stop letting money and success take over our lives and happiness?
Look at me now: I'm best friends with my laptop, smartphone and the internet. I'm constantly on social media websites and dreaming online. Reading manga, discovering music, watching series, catching up on movies and books and rest. I barely move. I'm too skinny yet I don't eat well and somehow, I'm starting to get some fat in some areas (?!).
To be honest, I think I kinda suck. Almost a year after grad (it was my fault, I was too lax) before I got my first job. Left, took another 7 months before I landed myself a new one. Left immediately and God please help me get a good, new one ASAP because...
Why? Think about it. Why do you want to work? Do you even want to? I questioned myself and even when the inquiry came from me, I was afraid to answer, silently. I had to do it step by step:
Do you want to work, Lilith?
Yes.
Why?
Um... because (another answer keeps fighting its way into my head, but I kept pushing the thought away) I want to buy things, pay for stuff and have a career.
But if you had an unlimited source of income, would you still consider getting yourself a job; employed, like you want to be?
No.
Why?
Because the truth is, some people really don't want to work. Maybe it's because most people do things they don't exactly love. People want to play, even when they're at work. That's why it's important to love what you do. They say if you do, you wouldn't consider it 'work'.
So then why do you say you 'want to work'?
I think it's because of societal pressure. It's the kind of pressure people around my age from this generation get. We're expected to graduate from college, take a master's degree, work at this age, be able to accomplish this much at this age, be able to do this at this age... or if we can't afford college then we have to find success in other ways like a business, or something similar. Expectations. They fucking suck.
Truth be told? Even if we lived on a little money, as long as we're not hungry, have shelter and all the basic needs, we'll be fine. Truth be told, most things around us that we consider important are just luxuries we don't need. Societal pressure. We're obsessed with success in different forms, whether real or made up, tangible or intangible.
Look at me. I am lonely. I am detached from things considered at important in life at this time: I don't have ANY real friends at the moment, I barely go out, I haven't traveled and done anything fun for the longest time, I am in a LDR, I talk to my dogs. Same sitch whether or not I am employed. It sucks, and I am sometimes frustrated with this kind of life. But deep inside, despite the yearnings, I'm still kind of happy! Holy shit. I have time. I know I can make up for this shit some time.
I was almost more sad than pissed when one asshole told me to "get a life, you need to go out more" when I was happy about something work-related that turned out good. I knew the fucker had a point and I did need to do many things more, but I had a life. Whatever I have right now is one. It's my life. Fuck off.
Maybe for the first two decades of my life I am meant to be a hermit. Maybe the next two or three I'll be a fucking world crawler. And more exposed to basically every type of person, place, event, activity and natural or synthetic creation than you'll ever be.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope my angels and demons entertained you tonight.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
**having the worst food options for breakfast; i.e. candy, soda, chips, chocolate, cake
And then, I look back, and realize I did nothing wrong. I couldn't stay. But something went wrong somewhere. However, I can't turn back time. I made decisions I regretted, but when I try to imagine taking the other available options for those situations, I can't help but accept that I picked the better choice.
The things I should've done, that could've made my resume look better, were so far back in the past; there's no helping it. I'm finding it strange that I am pissed at myself for things I have no control over. I've actually been making good career decisions since I started my second job... I am just angry that the circumstances made everything wrong even when they weren't supposed to be.
Look at me now. I sometimes have chips or candy for breakfast, then fall back asleep. I have lunch at 3 p.m., 4, even. I feel proud of myself when I have lunch at 2 or 1, and want to throw a party if I have it at noon. I feel accomplished when I eat a proper breakfast. I feel hopeful when I go to an interview and ace the easiest interview to ace--the first one, or any with an HR person. I feel depressed and make up excuses to treat myself to an expensive beverage, meal, or something nice by convincing myself that I deserve or need it. I play with the dogs every ow and then, they are a source of entertainment. I fight with Miles* often, making me question not the relationship, but the mental state of the people in it--are we okay? Is he, am I right in the head? Are we bipolar? Do we have anger issues? Are we short and hot because we are part of the highly pressured generation?
Just a few hours ago, my parents were giving me a glimpse of how things were in the past--people who married at 20 at a certain time were young. But, the generation before that married at 18, and that was okay. BUT! A generation before that married at 16 and that was the norm! Not too long ago, getting married in your mid-20's was pretty ideal. But a few years ago, when one of my cousins married at 27 or 28, my mom said they were too young. What the actual fuck?
Please excuse me while I silently consider my goal to marry at 24 and have a child a little after that.
Well, decisions change, and now that I'm close to my once marrying age goal, I don't think I'm up for it yet 'til I'm sure everything's set. But now most people are considering marrying in their 30's. I wonder if, 25 years from now, people will start considering marrying at an even later age. Is that how things work? Can we remember that our bodies deteriorate in time and stop letting money and success take over our lives and happiness?
Look at me now: I'm best friends with my laptop, smartphone and the internet. I'm constantly on social media websites and dreaming online. Reading manga, discovering music, watching series, catching up on movies and books and rest. I barely move. I'm too skinny yet I don't eat well and somehow, I'm starting to get some fat in some areas (?!).
To be honest, I think I kinda suck. Almost a year after grad (it was my fault, I was too lax) before I got my first job. Left, took another 7 months before I landed myself a new one. Left immediately and God please help me get a good, new one ASAP because...
Why? Think about it. Why do you want to work? Do you even want to? I questioned myself and even when the inquiry came from me, I was afraid to answer, silently. I had to do it step by step:
Do you want to work, Lilith?
Yes.
Why?
Um... because (another answer keeps fighting its way into my head, but I kept pushing the thought away) I want to buy things, pay for stuff and have a career.
But if you had an unlimited source of income, would you still consider getting yourself a job; employed, like you want to be?
No.
Why?
Because the truth is, some people really don't want to work. Maybe it's because most people do things they don't exactly love. People want to play, even when they're at work. That's why it's important to love what you do. They say if you do, you wouldn't consider it 'work'.
So then why do you say you 'want to work'?
I think it's because of societal pressure. It's the kind of pressure people around my age from this generation get. We're expected to graduate from college, take a master's degree, work at this age, be able to accomplish this much at this age, be able to do this at this age... or if we can't afford college then we have to find success in other ways like a business, or something similar. Expectations. They fucking suck.
Truth be told? Even if we lived on a little money, as long as we're not hungry, have shelter and all the basic needs, we'll be fine. Truth be told, most things around us that we consider important are just luxuries we don't need. Societal pressure. We're obsessed with success in different forms, whether real or made up, tangible or intangible.
Look at me. I am lonely. I am detached from things considered at important in life at this time: I don't have ANY real friends at the moment, I barely go out, I haven't traveled and done anything fun for the longest time, I am in a LDR, I talk to my dogs. Same sitch whether or not I am employed. It sucks, and I am sometimes frustrated with this kind of life. But deep inside, despite the yearnings, I'm still kind of happy! Holy shit. I have time. I know I can make up for this shit some time.
I was almost more sad than pissed when one asshole told me to "get a life, you need to go out more" when I was happy about something work-related that turned out good. I knew the fucker had a point and I did need to do many things more, but I had a life. Whatever I have right now is one. It's my life. Fuck off.
Maybe for the first two decades of my life I am meant to be a hermit. Maybe the next two or three I'll be a fucking world crawler. And more exposed to basically every type of person, place, event, activity and natural or synthetic creation than you'll ever be.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope my angels and demons entertained you tonight.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
**having the worst food options for breakfast; i.e. candy, soda, chips, chocolate, cake
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