Thursday, December 5, 2013

Lilith: the love mess, the work complication and the murky future

The future is either blurry or clear. When it's clear, it's fucking crystal. When it's blurry... fuck, it isn't. I'm fucking blind and can't see a thing.

Congratulations to me. I will have my three-month anniversary at work this month. I made it (?!). Heh. Here's the thing: three of my friends, who are from the same department, already left. One was asked to resign, the other two left. Two of them are my teammates... two of them have the same position as mine. In other words, besides the fact that I am the only one working under my boss, I'm the only junior professional in the department.

The set-up at work has been shifty. The original agreement was that I report to my boss, along with two marketing peers--we handle different properties of the company. We report to our respective outlets in order to monitor operations and to constantly find opportunities for marketing activities; as well as build relationships with people relevant to the outlet. Upper Management decided to call everyone back into the main office and make everybody report there, and not the outlets. It seems they don't feel like we are accomplishing anything outside of the office (false, we accomplish a lot when we are at our outlets).

About a week later, UM gathered all the marketing people and those from other relevant departments into one group and gave the integrated team a name. We lost our bosses; we now attend to requests from any boss and we don't handle just one property. Around... another week later, we gained our bosses back! But... we still have special projects when any other boss requests for it and it has been assigned to us.

After my friends left (with a bang!), some of us from the "new team" (plus another department) were gathered for a meeting with someone from UM. We talked about the problematic outlets and were instructed to pick one, as we will be reporting there from now on--to improve sales, customer count, average checks, etc. We are to stay in that outlet until everything gets better. We are to come up with marketing ideas and to monitor operations, sales, etc. etc., to make sure that the restaurants/stores would stop losing.

(The main office is way up north. The outlet I'm originally assigned to is in the middle of Metro Manila. I love down south... and the new outlet I've been assigned to is way, way down south.

It's been declared that the "new team" will be having meetings twice a week--this'll be held at the main office. That means I'll have to report up north for the meeting, and leave for the south afterwards. Take note: I don't have a car. I take trains and buses and shit. It's basically a 2-hour travel time, considering the terrible traffic all over Manila.

It baffles me that in first world countries, you can travel for miles, from city to city and it'll only take your two hours. Metro Manila shouldn't be that big... but it can take you up to 5 hours traveling around if traffic is really fucked up. That's how shitty it is here. Holy shit.

My bags are packed. I just need money to get out of here... seriously.

Anyway.) As usual, the UM person did not believe in my abilities and did not hold back in showing it. The UMP has been up a lot of people's asses for reasons we wish we'd understand... and apparently is the reason for the quick turnovers in the company. If I did not like my own boss I would've already found myself a new job a month ago and left. However, I started looking yesterday... nothing good in the market, really, but I'm going to actively look now while I still have some spare time (and offset hours to use).

I am not having a very hard time coming up with ideas--there are a number of them, but I'm not sure they're feasible. Thank God, honestly, that there haven't been any meetings this week yet. Apparently, the ideas have to be presented as a proposal with a supporting budget. I've been asking for help from... well... "relevant" people and they give me short answers that help, but not much. I can't keep guessing; if I fuck up everything will backfire.

I wish my boss would get a better job offer somewhere else... and that her partner would also get a nice job somewhere else... so I'll feel free to go anytime. I used to be able to explain why I can't leave my boss (I have a great boss--intelligent, talented, nurturing, protective, considerate, supportive... and I am greatly needed after my teammates left), but now, I really don't know. It feels like I'm staying because I want to be a good support system--and that is fine because I don't feel like I'm being used. 

I did warn my boss, though, that if my pride gets pissed on (because it's been trampled upon tons of times by that UM person. But hey, I'm still here because I'm tough [I think? Or I just need the job and can't leave!] and I don't want to leave my Commander-in-chief. 

I didn't see all this coming.

Miles* and I have found a way to fix ourselves; and because of our work/life conditions we decided to get married as soon as possible to make things easier for us. It was actually my idea, because the distance and the stress makes everything unbearable. I believed that living under one roof would be beneficial to both of us because I believed that having each other would help. I believed the distance did make us colder, and that if we closed that distance, things would get better.

How many times did I ask to break up with him in the past couple of months, and actually meant it?

Whoops, did I really mean it, because why do we still talk every now and then, and why do we start acting like nothing happened after every fight, after every "I-am-so-done-with-this"?

I think I've reached the end of the line, and have been lingering because I couldn't accept it yet. I think we've been over for a while and I refuse to realize it. 

I've lost every member of my support group. Mom and dad aren't counted, because I can't really bother them for that... they are permanently my first and last line of defense, but they just have too much on their plate. Holy fuck, I'm about to cry again, and for a strange reason this time: I can't take all this right now. I really need to curl up and disappear.

He promises not to yell, not to be impatient, to be respectful, to avoid being rude and mean, and breaks those same promises within the same hour. He promises to do something and only does it for a week, then forgets about it. I have to explain why I am short and snappy every single time I am, even when I've explained why a thousand times (too much stress). He does not try to take it easy on me or understand me. 

He will say the same damn things, but I can assure you my actions are justified... and most of his aren't--he is rude to me only because he hates me. He doesn't want to be understanding, he doesn't care about supporting, comforting, and showing he cares for me, especially publicly. I tell him everything I need because it's easier, than expecting him to know everything...... and he doesn't give them to me. He refuses to, he gives excuses and always has reasons, he forgets.

He is not romantic or sweet anymore. I asked for that, because I can be like that if only he can promise to be good to me. Nope. Never mind.

He doesn't exert extra effort for me anymore. No, Miles, staying up isn't extra effort. It's routine. We both do that.

Extra effort is doing something out of the ordinary every now and then. NOT RARELY. It's how you keep a relationship alive.

But no. Never mind.

God, give me the strength to move on from this if it really isn't meant to be. Give me the opportunity to grab so I can move forward and up in life. 



*Code name/s

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Lilith: Finally--hello employment, goodbye relationship

I am fighting tears (never mind, they're POURING now) as I am writing this right now. I am so conflicted about everything happening in my life that I just don't know where to start--literally. I don't know where to start financially, socially, career-wise, health-wise and relationship-wise. I've never felt this broken in a long time. 

After turning down a high offer from a company that I judged based on their reputation, corporate structure and culture, I couldn't help but accept the painfully low offer from the company I chose (very low basic pay--exactly the same amount as my previous job's, but with an additional allowance--so it's only slightly higher) because of the quality of the work experience and the company's high reputation. 

I was heartbroken, to be honest, because that means I cannot afford a dorm that's just around the office. I have to settle for very long commutes, despite how bad and unpredictable the weather is here (not to mention the prevalence of crime, and the terrible traffic situation). I can't save up for the things I badly need for my future endeavors (a good laptop and a professional camera, lenses, etc.) and I don't really make enough to do something to improve my lifestyle. I can only count on the 'raise' they'll be giving me once I become a regular employee (it can only get so high, right?) and I'm not even sure if my pay will improve after my probationary period.

I'm only clinging on to the encouraging words a few friends and family have given me. They know my situation and they tell me that I'm doing the right thing, and that everything is okay. But other than that, I'm still pretty broken.

I'm so stressed about the life-changing events all happening seemingly at the same time in my life. I'm entering a slightly different sub-field of my college major and I am desperate to perform well at work. I am also paranoid about dealing with people and handling a possibly heavy workload given all the other baggage that taking this job came with. Aside from that, my weight and health have deteriorated slightly over the past weeks. I'm starting work tomorrow (not even a week's notice!) and I'm coming down with a bad cold. 

It doesn't end there. I am seriously considering ending my long-term relationship with Miles*. He is becoming worse and worse everyday, more and more careless and hateful towards me. I don't think we see eye-to-eye about most things anymore. I am constantly shocked to discover that his views about some things have become the complete opposite of what they originally were. Apparently, we used to agree about many things before--now that we're older and see the world differently, our opinions have probably changed. This time, though, we're a little upset about each other's views. 

I think I've struggled and fought so hard to stay, told myself that maybe this is just another test because we're hitting the six-year mark by the beginning of next year. He has become lax and lazy, so I have become angry, so he has become vengeful, so I have become vengeful, so he has become hateful, so I have become hateful, so he has become worse, so I have grown tired of him, so he has grown tired of me. We've basically given up on each other and are only feeding on the good days and the nice things we can get out of each other. We live on that, but there's just too little of it to survive in the relationship. He still wants to work things out (meaning, he wants me to be okay with all the offensive things he does and allow him to take me for granted) but breaking up sounds more tempting to me. He will only pull me down--his existence has done that to me for years, and because he's not the kind, understanding, gentle and eager-to-please guy he was when I first met him, I don't see why I should keep stretching this out. I should just cut it.

People will always say it's the distance or the difference in culture. But unless you are in a 90% similar relationship, I can't really agree with you. People will never understand what it's like. He and I don't like the distance, but we managed because we wanted to be together. He blames the distance, too, for all the bad stuff that happens between us, but I don't have the same sentiments. We couldn't do anything about it, so we'll just have to deal with it--thus, our situation requires a different kind of effort to show our dedication. I have it, but he doesn't. His priorities are always self-centered, and I'm never on top of his list. It's fine to put other things before me sometimes, but he ALWAYS chooses to put other things before me, expecting me to be okay with it. If they were absolutely important--you know, work or family or health-related, for example, that's fine. But if it's something completely shallow, something you don't have to do right away, and you put it before a person you claim to be the love of your life when they specifically asked you to be there for them because they need you.... well... you don't know your priorities. 

If you cannot handle being in a relationship, don't be. If you're too busy with work half of the time and being a carefree child the other half of the time, DO NOT LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND. You are not only wasting their time, effort and money, you are also giving them heartache. It's extra stress that a person does not need in this fast-paced world. Do not, at all costs, pretend to invest yourself in a girlfriend or boyfriend if you are DETACHED--unless that's what you both want--to be detached.

All he cares about now is his own happiness, and apparently, I appear to be the same way. We've gone from selfless to completely selfish. The only good thing about this relationship is the fact that we don't cheat on each other. But hey, is that really enough to stay in a relationship?

I don't even want to think about being in a relationship right now. I don't want that at all. I just want to be healthy, to have the career I want, to travel, see the world and share good moments with the people I love. A relationship doesn't sound or look attractive to me right now. I'm about ready to gag on every disgustingly sappy couple I encounter in real life and online. Love, a relationship and all the bullshit that come with it just sounds like a big hassle to me. It feels like work. Let's face it, most people don't like the idea of work.

I think one of the reasons I was pissed about turning down a great offer (and finding out the job offer I picked was much lower) was mainly because of Miles. If, when he visits me, I'll have to spend a lot of money on the accommodations, travel, food, etc. If I don't have him, I wouldn't have to worry about my low income anymore. I can just worry about my own future. 

The Lilith from yesterday would be surprised at how much courage the Lilith right now has. She will be shocked at how decided I am about ending this dysfunctional relationship.

Sorry, Old Lilith, but your boyfriend just doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. You've tried asking nicely, demanding, crying, shouting, threatening, begging.... basically everything, and he just doesn't budge anymore. Apparently, so do you. Maybe you've started to outgrow each other. 

He just bullshits too much, always says one thing but does another thing. Always promises to be there for you but is never there. Always promises to respect you but always insults you. Always promises to be dedicated but you end up doing everything, even the things he's supposed to do. You don't deserve it. You don't need a relationship to be happy--all you need is a good life. You can worry about a partner later on.

To be honest, I'm thinking way far ahead--as in, if we break up, and I still don't want a relationship two years from now, but I'm financially stable and I want a kid, I'll just get an AI. I don't need to get married to have a kid. 

I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I don't seem to be scared to lose him. I wonder if I am even confident enough for that. All I know right now is I don't need the extra baggage because I have many other important things to consider in my life. 

I gave him another ultimatum--if he wants me to be with him, he should go back to being the guy I met moving forward. Only then will I trust that our relationship will get better--why? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the only reason I'm an asshole is because he's an asshole. Neither one of us wants to step down. We used to, before, but things are different now. I'm willing to, but he never is--and I can't accept that. It's unjust and unfair.

If he can't promise me he'll be mister nice guy, I can't promise him I'll be a good partner... because I promise you, I've tried being the first to step down all the time. I've done everything he asked me to do and he still treats me like shit. He can still take me or leave me and I should just be okay with that. 

Anyway, maybe we should toast to the future and drink to the past.

Or something. We'll see how this progresses within the week.



*Code name/s

Monday, September 9, 2013

Lilith: The coin is suspended in the air

Ah, finally. After weeks, I have an update on my gloomy life! Where do I start?

After around a hundred applications and less than 30 interviews, Lady Luck decided to be my gal one fateful Friday. I don't care whether she's drunk or high, everything worked in my favor. I was right to keep believing in the power of energies--you can't really have bad energy around you all the time. Things have to change some time.

I've been having such bad luck lately that I'm sure it's about to get balanced out soon. However, I wasn't expecting extremely good luck--so when I had it, man was I psyched.

About two weeks ago, I went to an interview not really expecting anything, but doing my best, anyway. Company A's hiring process is pretty quick, I finished all interviews in one day and before lunch time, too (well... half past noon). I guess I've gotten so used to interviews and I've gone over my failed ones mentally too much that I just couldn't say anything wrong anymore. The only things that would stand in my way are: the interviewer's impression of me (which, if they are judgmental like some of the assholes I've met who just didn't like me for no particular reason would keep me from getting the job) and my ability to explain that my experience, skills and abilities are good enough for the job and the company. 

Alas, I didn't have any problem with those, and surprisingly, I was able to impress Company A's big boss. I think the Boss A was pretty cool, too, although I would assume we're a little too alike, which can be a problem for me. Before the interview ended, he said, "I really want you on my shortlist." and that if they contact me again, it will be because they will make an offer. I had another interview that day, with Company B, which, I'm pleased to know, liked me as well.

I had about ten minutes to finish my crappy burger (late lunch) before my interview with them. I had a good feeling about Company A and the fact that Boss A liked my attitude gave me confidence that I can easily top anyone else who has more or less the same work experience as I do. I think that a great attitude can take you places (well... now I believe it can. Haha). So, I thought, if Company B doesn't like me, or thinks my work experience isn't relevant, I'll be okay.

Well, surprise. I did well with the initial interview (I got compliments!) and I was asked to go meet the would-be supervisor, but I have to rush to another district. (I'm so glad my dad was there to drive me to where I had to go, whew.) It was getting late, but I wanted to show dedication, so I said yes and made my way there. Someone told me that  Boss B/the supervisor was really nice and that I would probably do well in my interview with her. I couldn't believe my luck--I was doing great in my interviews, and all I did was be myself and express how I felt about the job. Nobody tested me, nobody tried to look for dirt on me. It was so incredible that I can't believe it was all me (come on, considering I had bad luck 9 out of 10 times when it came my applications)-- I wanted to blame my fortune. I really don't want to sound crazy, but I think the goddess of luck took a liking to me.

I'm seriously not complaining, I'm humbled by all this!

I went to the interview with Boss B, and did well--she said, "I'm very interested," and told me I'll be hearing from them the following week. I was excited, knowing she would be a great boss because she's brilliant. She knows her craft, and if I worked under her, I know I would end up being a gem of some sort. I'm not expecting to become a goddamn diamond (although I want to be one), but I'll be a pretty fucking precious gem under her mentorship/leadership. I just hoped that the following interviews with Company B would turn out good.

The following week, I got a call from Company A asking me to come over. I didn't know what it was about, because I remember BA (Boss A) saying I will hear from HIM if it's a job offer. I assumed that a supervisor will be interviewing me or they wanted to see me again because they can't choose between two candidates. I almost died when he said he was offering me the job. My final interviews with Company B will not be until the end of the week, and I didn't want to tell them I wanted to see what the other company wanted to offer me as well, so I can make a decision.

BA said he didn't want to put me on the spot, but he wanted an answer right away. As in, right there and then. The statement was contradicting itself, I thought, but I understood his point. I never got the impression that filling the position was urgent, though. I was never told that. I was sure he wanted to hire me right away to get things over with, but he didn't give me much of a choice and wanted me to cancel my other applications. Also, I was told that if I accepted the offer, I will be attending a meeting that afternoon with the board. I was shocked because I did not know what to expect, and I wish I had been told that.

He gave me 20 minutes to think it over while he talked to another applicant he was offering another position to. I got in touch with my friends and family to help me make a decision because I was so confused. I wished people here were more professional and didn't get pissed at you for considering other offers or applications. People are easily offended over here, and so it wouldn't be so wise to tell them that you are considering other companies.

I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast. I took a gamble and said, "if they don't accept me after telling them this, then it just wasn't meant to be". I was surprised when I informed BA that I can't accept the offer right now because I really wanted to think it over. He knew what that meant and I was surprised he gave me a few days. I promised to call at as soon as possible once I've made a decision. I thought they were going to drop me (he implied a few times that if I'm on board, I'm on board; or else, they'll continue looking for other candidates) but he saw my decisiveness and how professional I was about it (probably saw himself in me), and couldn't just say 'fuck it'.

I was glad about that, because if my application with Company B didn't work out, I'm assured of a job with Company A. I think it's pretty obvious now that I'm more inclined towards Company B--I'll explain in a bit.

Anyway, I was told that Big Bosses from Company B will be conducting the final interviews. I was expecting to have it with just one of them, but it turns out we all have to meet Big Boss A before the last interview with Big Boss B.

I had a tip about BBA (Big Boss A): that he can be intimidating and I have to do my best to impress him. I was very nervous because even when I smiled and had a pleasant energy about me, I felt it was ignored.

I was starting to see a pattern with how they do interviews with Company B--you have to try to put a poker face on and minimalize any form of expression or emotion. I noticed, however, that after the interviews, the interviewers appear to be much more pleasant; nice, even.

Going back to the interview with BBA--he asked me a few questions, some of which took me by surprise. One, in particular, scared me so much it gave me long pauses in between words. My mind felt like it was all over the place, so my initial answer was wrong, but he explained to me that that was not the answer he was looking for, so I re-answered it. Apparently, the question is kind of like a staple during job interviews: what is the job description for the position you're applying for?

I remembered all the job descriptions I read online whenever I sent out applications to employers and patterned my answered after those. Fortunately, I got it right, and he seemed to be relieved I got the answer, as well. He warned me that the culture, and job will be challenging and competitive, and told me I should be ready for that. Earlier during the interview, I mentioned that public speaking was one of my skills, and he said that even when I mentioned I had that skill, I seemed to be very uncomfortable. Again, honesty and sincerity saved me--I calmly told him that I don't have a problem interacting with a variety of people, however, I was a little nervous because I wanted to do well in the interview because I wanted to work for the company. I was glad when he said that that was okay. When I left, I thought I blew it.

I was asked to come back after lunch. I met this guy who was applying for the same position as I did, and asked him about his own application. I would most likely be seeing him around if we both got in so I tried being friendly with him. We talked after lunch and shared our experiences with the interview we just had--apparently his didn't go too well. Nonetheless, the fact that we were asked to return for the SUPER FINAL interview meant that we passed, which was a huge relief. Neither of us believed we did good with BBA, but now that we only had one more thing keeping us from getting a job offer, we wished each other luck and hoped for the best.

We waited for around an hour and talked about our previous jobs, where we lived and our work experiences. I found out later that we graduated from the same university (we were both excited about this) and we know at least one common person. He was actually just a year my senior, and because we went to the same building in college, we might have crossed paths but never really knew. We thought it was cool.

We got more and more nervous as time passed by, but we were also excited and started to talk about what it would be like working there. We laughed about how we were getting ahead of ourselves and forced ourselves to worry about the present first.

My interview with BBB (Big Boss B) was okay. I was unsure if she liked me, or if I was convincing; again, they tried to maintain a neutral expression, so I didn't know if I was saying something good or not. I used the Honest and Sincere cards again, and although I stuttered a couple of times and wished I had said some things better, I just told myself I did my best, and if I didn't make it, I had another offer anyway.

Later that night, I got a message from Company B saying I passed, and I will be getting a job offer the following week.

I was in a state of confusion after I finished my application with Company B. I started going over the pros and cons of each organization, and realized there were more pros with Company A than B. The only thing that drew me towards B was the prestige I will get from my work experience there. However, I'll have to make a shitton of sacrifices--move out, meaning spend a lot on rent/water/electricity and food, risk not having a strong internet connection at the boarding house and share a room with other people (no privacy). Plus, I'm assuming the job will be as stressful as my previous one; and that was one of the reasons I left that one in the first place.

It appears I would have more freedom with A, and I'm sure people won't be hard to deal with. I don't have to move out and I can sleep later and go home later with no problem. I can basically go to work and come home with my eyes closed. I don't have to give everything up, so I will have more savings; meaning, I can get myself a camera and/or my own laptop and go to a photography class. 

Even later that day, though, I realized that making sacrifices, learning from the right people, and working for a well-known, big organization will benefit me in the long run, compared to... well... not giving up anything, hoarding short-term benefits and working for an organization even smaller than my previous one. I've talked to my loved ones and friends about this, and at times they would ask me to make a decision because I have to pick whatever works for me; but not once did they show any indication that they favored A (despite all the added benefits on top of having a job). They all agreed that despite the BIG BAD cons parading behind company B's job offer (which I have yet to see, by the way), it was still more beneficial for me.

I ended up asking Miles* what he thought, and as much as he wanted me to be more healthy, have more time to relax and not have to give up so many things (the list is too long, I can even squeeze it in here) just to be able to work, if it'll help me in the long run, then I should go for it. He said that it doesn't matter that I put up with the stress for another two years, because I'll be with him by then. Sounded good to me.

I have high hopes about this new job. It's a blessing and I worked hard to get it, so I'll will myself to maintain positive feelings for it. I hope that everything goes well and I can stay for more than just one year here, and that I'll love the people I'll be working with. I hope that I get to feel the pros more than the cons the longer I stay. I hope this helps me more than hurts me, and best of all, I hope this freaking improves my health somehow!

I hope my decisions don't fail me.

Wish me luck.



*Code name/s

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

ATYT: Conflicted about having kids

I've recently been having a dilemma about kids. It seems the older I get, the less attractive the idea of having them is. It's strange--before college, I could never imagine myself having kids. In fact, I always shelved the idea when it crossed my mind. All I knew back then was I only wanted one child in the future, but that's it.

I started getting broody in college. I would have dreams about my future daughter, and once, my future son, and got depressed in the morning because in the dreams my 'baby' always ends up being taken away from me somehow. In one dream, my beautiful daughter was kidnapped. In another, my newborn son died. Nonetheless, I really wanted to have a child for some reason. Not a baby... like, a toddler. I wanted to take care of something. I was being a woman, and I guess my nurturing instincts were at its peak at that time because it was probably the best time for me to have children. I believe your body dictates your would-be lifestyle--tailored-fit to your unique self, of course. However, the Real World Lilith wasn't ready. She was in college, had so much ahead of her that should not yet involve children.

I've always been awkward with kids. I'd always be too polite with the majority of them, whether they're blood-related to me or not. I've only been comfortable with one or two children in my life--and they weren't even relatives. They were also far from shy, and very intelligent. Yep, you guessed it--I'm not the type to baby-talk kids and give them funny nicknames. I do that with pets. But humans are humans and I talk to kids the way I talk to regular people--more patient, more caring, kinder, of course, but I don't lengthen words and use a weird voice with them. I understand some kids may prefer this, because if they see that an adult could switch to I-speak-kid mode, they could easily relate to them.

I'm not sure if my uncertainty stems from that fact... let's ask psych majors. All I know is, right now, my life is a mess and so many things are holding me back from doing the things I need to do and want to do... and I feel like the time I originally hoped to have kids would have to be pushed further into the future.

There's also the nasty reality of having to go through so much stress and pain, for at least 21 years--from the time Lilith Junior is a fetus up 'til when she's in college. If she's a little more like me then she'll continue to be under my care (ish) 'til infinity.

It's like... I don't know. You carry them in your belly for nine months where your activities are somewhat limited: no meds, you can't do certain physical activities, you can't dye your hair, you have all these... preggo symptoms you have to deal with... you go through labor and it hurts like fuck, you have to feed your child and they pull too hard and it hurts like fuck, you stay up all night trying to figure out why they're crying, and then they get old enough to get themselves in enough trouble to give you heart attacks, then they get even older and start rejecting your attempts to correct, guide or even connect with them because they're at a very awkward stage where they are confused with so many things in life that they just want you to stay away, then they get into loads of trouble again that, despite how tolerant you believed you were, you just couldn't stand seeing your own flesh and blood fucking up like that and you get massive headaches at the shit they pull, then they start sleeping around and having relationships and they just won't open up to you sometimes and it drives you crazy but you can't do anything about it... et cetera... the list goes on.

This is the ugly truth.

The moment you decide to (whether it was accidental at first or not) have a child, thousands of other possibilities end for you. True, you open a whole different chapter in your life when you enter parenthood, but I cringe at the echoing voices of a thousand people I've heard all throughout my life who reiterate: 'parenthood is beautiful' and 'mothers are heroes' and 'children bring you joy, they are gifts' and 'having children is the most wonderful thing in the world'. These are all truths, and I clearly remember agreeing... however, right now, I can only shake my head at the thought.

Just like there are no perfect parents, there are no perfect children. There will be shittons of disappointment and I'm sure it'll hurt; I can just imagine how horrible my parents feel knowing I am the way I am. Of course they accept me, as every parent should, but I know that deep inside, parents will always want to change something about their children. It doesn't matter how trivial it is... we're all human, and we all strive to be the best we can be and we want the 'best' for people we love. Then again, same concept--we're human, so we have different interpretations of what's 'best' for us and for others.

I guess now I realize that parenthood isn't about just raising children well. Of course it is... but... there's a bigger complication that comes with it, and that is the burden of acceptance. Now I understand that I am not ready. Ready to nurture a baby, yes. Ready to raise one... not so much.

I hope I'd still be young enough by the time I decide to give it a go. Haha. And I hope by that time I'd accomplished as much as I should to deserve a reward, a Little Lilith.


Saturday, August 10, 2013

Lilith: Miles of octaves (my man's different speaking voice pitches)

This is a creepy yet empirical analysis of my beau's varying vocal registers. Read at your own risk.

I always kind of knew, but Miles*, like each one of us, adjusts the tone of his voice and manner of speaking depending on who he's addressing.

Its significance to me is overwhelming. In a matter of five minutes, I understood the importance of the people in his life and how he talked with them. I understood that it is one giveaway--one way for me to understand where a person stands in his life. I know him enough to be able to piece things together. I'm not even sure if he's actually easy to read, or if I probably have just known him for a long time, or if the theory that I'm actually pretty fucking discerning can be verified.

Hm. It could be all three.

No matter. I think I'm going to come up with a list first, then explain later. I'm not entirely sure if my educated guesses are accurate, but they all have a basis. Now, without further ado:

1. Me

2. My friends
3. His parents
4. His childhood friend and best friend, Christian*
5. His brother
6. Close friends
7. Friends, my parents
8. Acquaintances, strangers, supervisors, co-workers

I have yet to really get into how he speaks to different people around him. What I'm a bit certain of right now is his voice pitch. I guess this is obvious, but I've observed, and I'm pretty fucking sure, that his voice is in his highest octave when he's talking to me. I can't think of anybody else he's used this particular voice pitch on. The closest would be animals--you know, pets. Pet dogs. Actually, his voice goes a even a bit higher when he's addressing dogs. But don't we all talk funny towards animals?

Er, I don't, that's for sure. Hahaha. I talk to animals the way I talk with people. Boring.

I've observed that his voice goes a little deeper when he's talking to his parents. But I can also tell he's just as relaxed as when he's talking to me. I guess he's just a little more casual with parents, so he's being his usual self--the son. I don't want to say he's equally comfortable with me as he is with parents, because his parents and I offer distinct types of comfort. I only have theories right now as to why his vocal register is slightly different with his parents (compared to me).

I wanted to write about this after I've gone through the list, but it'll make more sense if I mention it now. I think that the voice you use to talk with people may/can/partially depend on how comfortable you are with them. With Miles, I guess the more comfortable he is, the higher his voice goes. I'm not sure yet. I think that it takes more effort to lower your voice than to raise it, so I assume that if you're very comfortable (and, well, pleased) with the person you're talking to, you unconsciously raise your voice pitch a bit.

Moving on... I've heard him talking with his best friend. His voice drops even lower, but his manner is still relaxed and friendly. Happy, even. He sounds more open, and now that I think about it, I think Christian, his parents and I belong to one group altogether. He's comfortable with all of us--and the difference in voice pitch that he uses on us is more natural than intentional. He's being himself, being Christian's Miles, my Miles, his parents' Miles. But he's still Miles.

I think that he plays the natural role of the boyish best friend; the obedient, respectful and responsible son; and, er, the boyfriend, which are reflected in the tone of his voice when he addresses Chris, his parents, or me, respectively. Again, there is barely any effort; probably even none, when the tone changes.

I'd like to point out a sub-theory: the voice register he uses on his parents can never be duplicated. They're his only parents, I think he will always speak to them in a distinctive voice, in a distinctive manner. I haven't actually observed that yet, so I don't know much, but I have a feeling I'm pretty spot-on on this one. When I hear him talking to his dad or mom, he sounds casual, his voice drops (lower than when he talks to me), he's polite yet at times he sounds bored. He's very controlled. You can never tell if he's being annoyed, happy, sad, or what. I guess that says something about how he wants to be perceived by his parents. Then again, I'm just assuming. It's interesting, though.

This one's interesting. His brother. I think the voice he uses on his brother borders on the one he uses with his close friends, casual friends, or even the people he works with. His voice would definitely be much lower on his younger brother. This time, however, it'll be slightly intentional. He would unconsciously make an effort to keep his voice lower. He's the older brother, he and little bro disagree more often than not. He's superior. He believes he is the better brother, the survivor, the winner, the one who will never get lost. He wants to show his authority, wants to influence the younger one, because li'l bro gets lost very often. Deep inside, he cares a lot about his brother, so he can be imposing, even just through the slightest of manners; and if his lost brother starts getting a direction in life, he wants to be responsible in making that happen.

I'd like to think his voice goes even lower with close friends. They weren't family, so of course there are some parts of him he'd like to mask. If a deeper voice helps, he'll do it. This is all unconscious, by the way; the effort is almost not felt, but it is there. Friends? Deeper. Acquaintances? Even deeper. The people he works with? He's at his lowest damn Do. And I get it. The more he has to keep about himself, or the more he has to impress them, or maintain a certain impression, the lower his voice goes. I think it reassures him. They become part of his walls. Somehow, I wonder if we are all like this.

The voice he uses with my parents is entirely different, to be honest. It is deep, because he put some walls up, but there's also a certain nervousness about them. It's another distinct voice. It has some elements from the one he uses when talking to his own parents, and some parts from when he addresses my friends. I'll get to that one in a bit. It's a little tense, but polite, but self-conscious; careful. He's trying to be precise, and he's still testing waters. It'll change someday, so I'm not worried. Somehow I wish his voice would go up a little when my parents converse with him.

I think it's pure discomfort with my friends. In a way, he tries to sound like he's talking to me when he's talking to my friends. He's part nervous, part self-conscious. A hundred percent polite and borderline awkward. It may be the fact that there probably isn't anything common between my friends and him; or that he probably won't encounter the same group of friends again in the future that he doesn't seem to be making an effort to put himself out there too much (control his voice somehow). My friends are his acquaintances, but his voice retains the same quality as it does when we talk. In other words, he's actually only reserving that voice for me if I ever engage him into a conversation while my friends are around (which I do), plus, plus (he wants to appear friendly, boyfriend-like, gentle, and polite).

Unpleasant thoughts plagued my mind as I wondered what he would sound like if he had to talk with other women (not just ones from work, but strangers, or friends of friends, relatives of friends, friends of relatives); particularly attractive ones. I also wondered how he's talk to his exes. I witnessed a conversation between him and his ex before, and damn, was he talking to a puppy? Besides being a teenager, was there any other reason his voice was borderline soprano? Was he trying to meet the shrill vocal quality of his freaking ex? I wonder.


It's funny that I think about these things--even funnier that I write about it in a research paper-inspired manner. I feel kind of sick knowing I'll probably never have anybody thinking too hard about me like this, trying to figure me out as if I'm a problem to be solved. I yearn for that for some reason, but I only want that from one person, nobody else. That's not too much to ask, is it? I don't need that kind of attention from anybody else but a significant other.

There are times I wish I was male so I could please some hopeless woman out there who believed no man would ever cry when they first see her in her wedding dress, or notice that they're wearing a new pair of earrings or cut their hair a fourth of an inch shorter, or that they have different types of laughs, or varying voice registers.

Hm... but this is life, meaning it's real. Meaning, this is not a film, or a book... not a work of fiction. Things hurt and you feel them. You can't re-read something you missed, or skip pages to get to the end. You can't re-write it and you can never expect anything. The characters are more real, more fucked up, more unbelievably unpredictable. 

Call of duty! The kitchen beckons me. My stomach protesting is saving me from getting upset. Therefore, I must retire, and hopefully I don't creep out too many people with this revealing post. Oh, well, I warned you anyway.



*Code name/s

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

ATYT: How I decide that it's the right job for me

I have a problem--and that is, up until today, my career life has remained stagnant.

I know I'm only supposed to choose wisely, but not be picky. However, there are some things that indicate that the job I'm applying for isn't the right one for me:

1. The job's nature. If it's a sales job, or something that requires A LOT of exposure to different people on a daily basis, it isn't for me. Those types of jobs take so much energy for me, and, coming from experience, makes me want to lock myself up in my room all throughout the weekend because I know it's the only place where I can get my alone time.

2. The company's reputation. If the employer is from the industry I majored in, good. If it's slightly off (pharmaceutical distributors, FMCG, etc.), it has to be a big, or well-known firm. I would trust that I'd be in good hands because these organizations, I'm sure, have a good track record in terms of taking care of their employees. 

3. The culture I've observed during the interview. There can be misconceptions regarding a workplace's culture. I was actually pretty nervous when I first had my job, because I had only met the people who interviewed me at the time, and they were the only ones I was sure were nice. I remember overhearing other employees in the background and feeling intimidated because I was so sure I haven't encountered people like them before. I was wrong, though--my co-workers were awesome.

I still observe, though, every time I am interviewed, the atmosphere of the workplace. I was crushed twice because I liked two of them so much but I had to decline the first one's offer, and the second one seemed to have hired somebody else. What I liked was the aura the people gave off in those offices--they were positive. I could feel not just the hard work, but the drive, the optimism, the support and openness of these people. They hired the right people, I could tell--because they were operating under the guidance of their company's values.

I've recently encountered an office with bad vibes in them. The employees were a little rude, unfriendly, stuck in their own little worlds, weren't afraid to show their bad sides, PLUS a previous employee came in and was cursing under his breath about how people in that office had NO MANNERS.

I'm not sure about this one job I applied for--it seems that the company is looking for very specific people--people from upper-middle to upper class statuses. Some of the questions asked implied it--they were trying to find out if you were well-off. It's understandable, because it will help you in your career there. I just find it... unfair, I think. The people are nice, it seems, but if I ever get hired, I'm sure I'll always feel uneasy wearing generic clothes, eating cheap food, et cetera. It's a prestigious company, the people are great, a job there would look good on my resume. But there's that... I'm-too-poor-for-you factor, and the nature of the job is too similar to the one I had before (which I was hoping to leave behind me x.x).

4. The office layout. Believe it or not, if you want effective employees, you'd want to invest in a nice office. I think that privacy is key for every individual. Semi-privacy (short cubes with glass windows) is okay. But one long freaking table? That guarantees the person you're sitting beside is peeking at your work and that your bags and stuff are side-by-side? Um. That makes me uncomfortable. I think I've been spoiled by my previous employer--we were given private cubes--lots of space, just a solitary window by the entrance, but you're basically facing walls in three corners. How cool is that? You can talk to people from the area, because it's pretty small (yet spacey), but unless somebody passes by your cube, nobody can observe how your fix your wedgie or adjust your bra or whatever. Also, you're not allowed to, but you can eat in secret with tall cubes like the ones in my previous job. Ahhhhh, I regret leaving. Gah. -_-

I don't like cramped spaces. I'd also prefer not to have people working behind, or in front of me unless we're separated by cube walls. Of course, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get lucky and get to work in a really awesome office. It's pretty much hit-or-miss in this aspect.

I've also encountered horrible offices recently. Gawd. One was a startup "company", they had two brands under it, and they all worked in one freaking room. Like, one unit. It looked like an examination room. People were sitting around each other and a lot of the chairs were plastic. There was no receiving area, and the "office" also doubled as a warehouse where they keep their products. Everybody was in the same room--from the IT people to the creative people to the management people to the general services people... just... every "department" (I keep putting quotation marks because it's a very small company) was in the same room. Ugh.

Another office looked like a classroom. Yes, there were cubes. But there were just too many people in one space, not separated by walls. The cubes are short, too, and windowed. Plus, there was a strange seating arrangement--people worked in rows. So you had people working behind you, and there are people working behind them, etc. It was too cramped. You can kick the person in front of you. *Sigh*

I'll definitely add more to this list if I think of any new considerations. I know I've been ranting about being jobless FOREVER, but I can't really afford to have short-term jobs anymore. I don't want to just work, I want a career... so I have to make sure I can stay for as long as I like at a company that doesn't shred goddamn pounds off me for too many reasons.

I hope my next job will have more pros than cons...

Wish me luck.



*Code name/s

Friday, August 2, 2013

Lilith: Toll fees

The title is not literal.

I suck. I used to write very good blog posts... back in my not-so-anonymous blogs. Now I can only sigh at the length and the frustrating lack of passion in every word I seem to post on here. I think the best one has been the very first entry—but I guess all this—this hollow sensation I’m getting—is just because I feel like my life has no real purpose right now. I’m unemployed, having a hard time looking for a job, probably being rejected by all the firms I’ve sent applications to and that have screened me, and probably made a stupid mistake turning down a job offer only because it will ruin my health.

(Only ruin my health? Really? “Only”?

(hmm, guess I still made the right decision...?))

I think my depression shows through my eating and sleeping habits: my appetite has been weak for almost two months now. I gained back the ten pounds I lost when I was still employed, but I’m not exactly healthy. I think I eat half the amount of what I usually do, which is 50% less than the right amount of food intake if I want to reach my goal weight. More meat! More carbs! More veggies! But nope. I’m too depressed right now to even get excited over my favorite dishes. That, ladies and gentlemen, got me very worried.

I discovered something—with the right kind of rice, and with some chopsticks I can eat as much as I can without having to deal much with my PMS-y appetite. But we didn’t have any chopsticks, so I ate with one hand, using a fork. For everything.

I think there’s a certain appeal to eating with one hand as opposed to two; an appeal to only being able to put so much in your mouth at one time. A spoon can easily ruin that—especially a big one (which we have and use. Can’t stand it! Toads have bigger mouths than I do!).

I think there’s a deeper science with eating food. Duh. There definitely is—it’s psychology. If people who work in the food industry know there’s a proper way to eat certain foods (y’know, what wine goes with what, what type of pasta or cheese to use with what dish, etc.), then there are ways to literally eat food that will make them taste better for you.

I think M&M’s taste better when you crush them with your teeth while they’re lying vertically between them. When I was in high school, I knew a couple of people that ate their potato chips by crushing the contents and getting a plastic spoon to scoop the crushed bits with. I’ve heard of people using ketchup for everything—yes, even for dishes with soup. *Shudder*

Here’s my fascination with consuming only tiny, bite-sized amounts of food in my mouth—figured it always leaves you wanting more. Our helper’s cooking is a carbon copy of my mom’s, so there’s no room for disinterest. I thought how embarrassing it would be if people actually saw me eating with just a fork, but you have to do something to maintain your health.

I keep running out of companies to send applications to. I’ve looked up Top 1000 companies and sent applications even to whatever hasn’t been included in the list. I was stupid not to start searching right after I left my job.

Ugh, but I needed to rest. I was a wreck—I literally looked like a zombie back then. You’ve no idea.

If I wasn’t so goddamned unhealthy, I could’ve just saw to it that I’d have a place to go to after leaving work. Oh, well, I’m young and stupid. Young people make mistakes (but they’re pretty fucking dumb if they repeat them... so that means I’m brainless!) and I figured the best way to learn from something is to learn it the hard way.

I’ve gotten lost so many times, but it’s because of those moments of darkness that I am now enlightened.

Shit, did the brainless Lilith just say something cool? Uh oh, damn, now I’m gonna be popular. Hey, want me to sign your shirt? Your butt?

Kidding aside.

I give myself brain damage by smashing my head against the wall everyday out of sheer self-disappointment... but something keeps telling me that I’m still doing the right thing. I mean, I’m doing my best. I’ve done nothing but look for jobs and send applications besides reading books, watching and reading the news, eating, bathing and sleeping.

I’m on the right track. I’m on the right track. I’m on the right track.



Thursday, August 1, 2013

Lilith: When a relationship matures

I’m not a relationship expert. Nonetheless, I can speak for the feminine gender regarding this subject, and can probably give sound opinions on the matter... I think. -_-

The nature of a romantic relationship you have when you’re in your teens is different from that of one you have when you’re in your twenties, thirties, etc. Of course, we can’t make generalizations, because each relationship is unique.

If you’re one of those people who have been with your partner since you were teenagers (we are now, of course, assuming you’re much older), I assume many things have changed in your relationship. You may be more deeply connected, or connected in more ways than you could have ever imagined when you first dated. Perhaps you’re sick of one another, or are hating each other more and more as time passes. You could also be falling, or growing apart.

If you’re anything like me and you care about staying together, you will see the problem/s and have intelligent forecasts—and a lot of times you won’t see good things in the future—so you talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about it and find ways, together, to improve things.

My biggest relationship issues have something to do with verbal and mental communication. When you’re in a new relationship, you never really run out of things to talk about and you don’t have to be good at reading each other’s actions. You will usually be pleased with the things you discover about one another, because you and your partner strive to put your best feet forward at all times. You do this too much that when you are faced with your first challenge—a disturbing discovery—you can easily shrug it off.

Miles* and I were the happiest couple I knew. That honeymoon stage lasted for, I think, two years.

But early into the first year, when I was at my happiest with him, he crushed my heart for the very first time. I was obsessed with looking people up online, so when I looked him up, I found out he had a girlfriend.

We’ve been dating for around three to four months then. How could he have “forgotten” to mention that? I confronted him the following day, after I thought I would die of hypertension from stress.

He told me he had already broken up with her. He said he had taken care of that two weeks prior to my discovery. It didn’t help anything and I didn’t trust him at all... but that, I figured, wasn’t the worst of my discoveries. It was just the beginning of my trip to Calvary (more on that on this blog in the near future). I can sort of laugh at that one now that I have more serious and alarming issues—now, with real, heavy, adult-relationship concerns, I find that fault cute.

I broke up with Miles at one point because he had just become so indifferent, short, and cold; on top of being his typical uninterested self. I admit that I can be easily bothered by hurtful words, but that’s because you are supposed to be compassionate towards people you care about/love. I end up making a big deal out of such things, which in turn, upsets him and stresses him out, and then he gets short and irate. He would spit one offensive sentence after another, just adding insult to injury. I try to reason out with him, try to enlighten him about what exactly is happening, but he’s already shut me out. He only cared about having a good night’s rest over solving pressing matters.

Before the break-up, he made me cry every day (I used to barely cry because of him)—he didn’t care about the relationship anymore, and he was sick of me. Sick of me caring about this relationship and trying to fix it and trying to explain to him that he shouldn’t be hurting me, and that he should be kind to me. He always assured he was trying his best to be better, but I always found that hard to believe because right after every promise that he’ll sensitive to my feelings, he would find another way to similarly offend me—within another week, the following day, or the next half hour.

We were dealing with an endless cycle of fuckup-fight- makeup. Each time we fight we are slightly different people—I think we like each other less and we pull away from each other more. He’s less patient, I’m less forgiving, he’s less sensitive and I’m stricter. The only point we meet at? We were both growing exponentially lax towards each other. He can grab me and throw me around as he pleases because he knows I’ll never leave him; I can do the same because I believe I have the right to. Is it okay that we do these things? I don’t own him, and he shouldn’t be taking me for granted. We are equally at fault and we screw each other up equally. The good news? We’re both intelligent and underneath all the anger and hatred, we knew what was wrong, and what we should do.

We do have miraculous, and rather peaceful conversations wherein we discuss about how we can improve our relationship. We talk about the manner we address each other and how to make it better. I suggest a shitton of things to help us get closer again, besides the usual link-sharing and storytelling.

Miles and I are from very different backgrounds. For one, only one of us is Asian. We were brought up differently, too. He’s government/service-oriented employee and I’m in the communications/creative field. I can write and draw and shit and he can do math and engineering shit. He has a dick, I have mammaries (I think). He’s just a few years older, which means I’m still a few years older than he is. I’m good at handling money, he... needs improvement in that area. The world amazes me, and I am endlessly fascinated by so many things—a dynamic character, that used to be one-dimensional and self-centered and contended living inside a box. He’s a little bit more into specific things, and will tend to avoid things outside of his expertise or interest. He makes up for that by being outgoing, wanting to explore the world, never being able to stay put at home like I do. In short, he’s a dog, and I’m a cat.

I guess that’s where some of our problems lie. We’re actually so different. Neither of us ever thought we’d ever disagree so much about so many things at the beginning of the relationship. And, duh, it’s because we only shared our interests with each other—and tried to mirror each other.

As our relationship aged, we slacked off more. Yes, we got busier, dealt with more real-life problems as time passed, but you can only control that so much until it starts to control you.

Thankfully life stress hasn’t gotten to me bad enough to ruin my love life yet. His tolerance seems to be a little smaller, since he can only handle so much ‘til he breaks. I insist that he can help it, that he can help himself, because there’s no other way but to do that unless he wants to ruin us; but he needs more time to learn how to.

Controlling your emotions, especially negative ones, can be learned. As educated adults, he and I can support each other on that, to have a more positive attitude that will help him and I become us again.

Being uninterested, tuning out, and lack of verbal communication, though, can be a massive deal breaker. Just because you’re from different backgrounds doesn’t mean you have to remain an alien to their world. You actually shouldn’t. I think it’s so cool that mom can’t do sports and isn’t into sports, but she watches with my dad the sports guy, and understands basically every sport’s mechanics. I find it even cooler that dad the action movie fan buys and watches feel-good, female-skewed movies with my mom and I. And likes it! These seemingly simple gestures are far greater than what they appear to be.

I now tell Miles that there’s no reason to just sit there and listen when I talk about my work. It feels like a chore when I explain terms he may not be familiar with because he just stares blankly at me and nods and mhms. I don’t know if he gets it, and I’m sure he doesn’t, so I encourage him to ask. What, why, how. I like it when people ask me questions. I’d LOVE it if he did. His work jargon usually throws me off sometimes so I’d politely (or sometimes, impatiently, because hello, I don’t know anything about machine work) ask him to explain what this one tool is, its purpose, how it’s dealt with, et cetera. To be honest, his face kind of lights up a little when I ask questions—not just about work, or his hobbies that I don’t share with him, but about things in general... like things I don’t understand, or his opinion on a theory, experience or event.

I think that one of the best ways to keep each other happy in a relationship is to keep learning more about each other. This requires a keen sense of observation and a natural, endless curiosity about the other person. Your partner-pleasing powers increase when you know more about them.

If you really are into your partner, consider these things: you don’t have to share every interest, but showing them that you’re willing to be part of their world more, learn about them endlessly, keeps them just as interested in you. Remember what got you together in the first place—shared interests, opinions, experiences.

I have a feeling we’ll get back together very soon.



*Code name/s

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

ATYT: Malicious blood relatives

Remember: when dealing with these types of people, recite the Miranda warning in your head. In this case, you are extorted by your human need for safety and security to remain silent, because EVERYTHING you say or do will be used against you for no particular reason.

I wonder if we are all related to someone who plants seeds of hate towards their own relatives, no matter how young or old, whether or not they have met, or no matter what the frequency of their interaction, for their own entertainment.

I also wonder where they get that attitude from. Was it the way they were brought up, is it in their blood to HATE HATE HATE HAPPY LUCKY AMAZING RELATIVES MUST BRING THEM DOWN THEY CAN’T BE THAT PERFECT

Is it their culture? Does it even have anything to do with them being relatives? Maybe they are just really spiteful people that have too much time on their hands. Or they are too insecure and unhappy with their lives that they can’t stand seeing other people happy... whether they’re blood-related or not.

I am unfortunately related to such relatives. I’m telling you, it’s not just one or two of them, they’re a large group. They’re basically a small community (I’m from a large family), with only one or two people that are genuinely nice, who I believe I can trust.

Fortunately, I have a bigger support group consisting of relatives as well. They are the complete opposite of Team Negatron: they congratulate you for your achievements, have got your back all the way, pray for your success and happiness, are pleased when they hear about your accomplishments, really, truly care about you, are affected when you are faced with misfortune, appreciate and love your company, oh, I could go on...

They’re another story (a better one, too), so let’s stick with the cancerous team. They want nothing but to make up stories behind your back, twist your words no matter how innocent they are (thus you can never trust them and must keep in mind that they are just professional ass-kissers), just to make things intriguing and interesting, they gossip A LOT, do not appreciate beauty, take advantage of your kindness, do not consider your convenience, are insecure and dangerously envious, Jesus, this could’ve been a shorter paragraph if I just enumerated the Seven Deadly Sins.

I always try to piece together everything I know about each and every one of these relatives to figure out what could have made them so nasty.

I get it: they don’t have the best childhoods. However, when you are over 21, you are responsible for your own actions and decisions—my mother always told me that. There is no excuse for bad behavior.

Why did they choose to be so negative? No wonder they get seriously ill when they’re ill. I’m talking about deadly diseases that they harvest within themselves out of so much hatred and butthurt.

Here’s how I deal with this sad bunch of garbagemouths:

1.     Avoidance. If they are my friends, followers, or whatever in any social media account, I make sure everything is private. Otherwise, I just don’t connect with them on there. I’m the same way offline, for my own (and other loved ones’) safety. These people get bored of their lives that they just need a little something about you to spice everything up with carefully-crafted intrigues. I keep any form of exposure to a minimum as much as I can—this is a must. Not to mention it usually works, and I am usually at peace, until...

2.     Acting professionally. My dad, being a good guy who believes in the saying ‘blood is thicker than water’, cares about these people no matter how troublesome they are. (But let me tell you one thing: good guy dad has been screwed over and over again by these people in many ways that no human being deserved. Dad’s forgiveness level: Jesus, because I’m pretty sure Team Negatron members are Judas’ descendants.)

To respect dad, we sometimes meet these people, typically during somebody’s birthday or holidays. I don’t ignore them—I greet them with hugs and kisses or fist pumps and ask them how they’ve been. I talk with them, albeit cautiously. I don’t act fake smiles or act excited around them, because I am not, but I try to be pleasant.

When they have questions, I give short answers, and avoid sharing feelings because of their habits to twist words and make you look bad. The key is to use all your positive energy to shield yourself from further scrutiny... or you can always act busy with your smartphone.

Sometimes, they will intentionally start badmouthing other people, usually somebody you know, in front of you. There are times they will want you to be their audience. I immediately hold a hand up and let them know I am not interested in such negative things, especially if it’s their victim’s business. I show them I’m not into sticking my nose into every goddamn thing, not at all. The stubborn ones just keep going and even solicit an opinion on the insignificant matter (whatshisface got somebody pregnant and now he’s broke, whatsherface is being a rebellious teenager) but I politely tell them that it’s none of my fucking concern, so I don’t want to hear it. It’s just the right thing to do.

3.     Acting smarter than you think you’ll ever be. This one’s pretty easy if you’re a smooth talker. If you’re not, well, shit. Run away or something. Pretend to have diarrhea, I guess. What I do is I try to give intelligent opinions or answers whenever I am engaged into conversation. They will still call you ugly and make fun of your mannerisms (as if they don’t have any) behind your back to other people you know, but at least they can’t call you stupid. I’ve learned this kind of the hard way. Good news is, they’re stuck in the past, thinking I’m still ignorant and sheltered, but they can’t be more wrong. I’m done being bothered by that.

4.     Being fiercely happy. If you can emit a light, do so at all times. Especially in pictures, because you try not to see these people too often. I can’t do that, though, so I just take many happy pictures. These evil witches will do everything to find some dirt about you so they will approach the people closest to you—friends, other good relatives, your parents. I used to hate having pictures taken, but I now welcome it, knowing that those little shits will never see me cry or frown or anything. I’m happily buying groceries with my mom! I’m happily having dinner with my parents at this restaurant! I’m happily catching up with my good friend! We love each other so much, we’re hugging! They’ll hate me more for it and they’ll be pushed to find some garbage about me harder, but they’re so butthurt that I really don’t give a crap.

5.     Forgetting. Believe it or not, unless somebody talks about them, those evil relatives are basically nonexistent to me—no shit. I will never forget the year that I forgot I had this one relative—know how I remembered her? She made up some story about how I was lesbian and had a girlfriend (she also used to tell my dad I was suicidal... which I’ve never been, LMAO) and told my dad (unfortunately, even when he’s a generally nice guy, dad doesn’t seem to always be ready to give his best daughter the benefit of the doubt), and the misunderstanding, in turn, alarmed him. Thankfully, we have Mrs. Otrera, who will never in a million years believe that I could kill an ant. An exaggeration, but you know what I mean.
I don’t mind having the notion that about half of my relatives don’t exist. There’s a reason I’ve never been close with that lot, and that I spent the most awesome time with a bigger, better set of relatives—it’s because I wasn’t meant to be a bad fruit. No matter how much those shitheads insist that I’ve always been a rotten kid and I will grow up to be nothing, even they know that those are wishful thinking.

Doesn’t this make me sound like an asshole? It probably does, but I’ll never be as bad as they are. If they were the tiniest bit nicer, I’d be a fucking saint. A cherub, even. They’ve tried to make my parents’ lives hard, hated on my mom and I for no reason other than we’re better, more sincere people than they ever will be... or that we’re simply different from them. We don’t have so much hatred in our hearts. We try to see the best in people, even when it’s hard to, sometimes.

I only have one message for those nasty relatives: take care of yourself—a black heart will kill you.


Monday, July 29, 2013

ATYT: Creeping on Alaska

I’m ashamed to have barely read over six books in the past six years, so I downloaded a ton of e-books to remedy that. I downloaded novels from authors with resounding names first, then ones with compelling plots. I figured I needed to read more local books because local literature is so rich, and it portrays (what you already know about) your culture on a deeper and more edifying, yet intimate level.

Dear All: this is not a review. I don’t do reviews, because I feel that to be entitled to review something, especially literary pieces, music, films or visual art, you have to have at least enough knowledge about the subject in general. Also, people should be able to trust your taste somehow, and your analytical abilities.

When I try to think of an example of a bad review, I remember one of my friends from my previous job talking about awful food blogs over lunch. As we struggled to keep the food in our mouths, we listened to her vocally fake-blogging:

“The dish was so........ good. I can really taste... the salt and the pepper in it. It’s just so... great!”
“It has a hint of... what do you call it? Sugar!”

Obviously because I’m a master of none (except convincing people to agree with me/unconscious hypnotism???), you can’t really trust a review when I make one. Not until I can trust myself with that.

Ergo, here’s my deal with J. Green’s Looking for Alaska: after reading a third of it, I’m not sure I can say that I like it. I want to like books, no matter what the genre, for the simple reason that books are the shit. I used to believe every that no book is bullshit, but for some reason, I keep picking up the wrong books all the time. Seriously, every time I decide I don’t want to read them any further, my heart breaks. So my heart broke over and over again with every page of Alaska.

Forgive me, Mr. Green, but your novel reeks of Hugh* (other than that... it's pretty awesome). I him Hugh because I don’t care enough to look up a fitting name (oh, really, Lil, but you care enough to explain, to get defensive when nobody even cares?), but mostly because majority of the letters spell UGH. And that is the feeling I get when I come across Hugh: ugh.

Before I continue, I think this dude needs an introduction—

Hugh was one of the horrible men I fell hard for, for no particular (and most probably foolish) reasons when I was in my late teens. He was intelligent and funny, but creepy, intolerably eccentric, abusive, inconsiderate, stubborn, thick and slow (believe me when I say that people with high IQs can be slow and thick, UGH). He emotionally blackmailed me on purpose both to punish me; oh, and there’s a 99% chance he considered my suffering rather orgasmic. But, more than anything, Hugh was just weird, just too goddamn weird...

He liked vore, and had a mouth and stomach fetish. By stomach, I mean the INSIDE of the stomach, where you digest food. He wants to be peed on and vomited on (good lord...). He claims to be submissive in bed, which I’m sure is boring, and likes to go down on women not because it pleases them, not because he likes the act itself, but because he likes being sat on, being underneath, and feeling like the woman is towering over him. In the end, his vorarephilic ass will get the better of him. And you, if you even consider dating him.

Listen, if you’re into vore, feet, scat, or whatever, dude, I don’t care. But once you cross the line (e.g. talking about things I find disturbing, which may or may not involve your strange fetish, after I politely ask you not to) I get mad. I get furious.
Ladies and gentlemen: Hugh!

Okay, Pudge from Looking for Alaska may not resemble Hugh, and I’m still trying to put my finger on what exactly I find Hugh-like (a.k.a. annoying) about the protagonist. They must be on similar intellectual levels, also the fact that they are tall, have strange-looking bodies, have lewd thoughts about girls, the lack of romantic relationships in their lives, basically, their creepiness towards girls. It doesn’t help that I share some qualities with Alaska, who Miles lusts after, and that Alaska’s boyfriend, Jake, sounds a lot like my Miles*.

So, every time Pudge is creeping on Alaska (checking out her breasts, curves, counting the layers separating his skin from her skin), I can’t help but visualize Hugh creeping on me; and I get pissed. I know it’s in the past, but the fact that he’s still around, and would sometimes talk to me makes it hard for me to read this book. Oh, I’ll finish reading it, all right, because what makes it worthwhile is John Green’s writing style. I think it’s witty and funny, and I’ve noted so many good quotes. The writing also reminds me vaguely of how I used to write back in college... oh, I can be vain, all right.

Change of topic, as mister pukeface doesn’t deserve too much space on this blog. Today, I went to claim my last payment from my old workplace and saw a lot of people I missed. God, was the place nostalgic. Everybody noticed a change of style and the welcome weight gain, which I claimed was from getting enough rest and not skipping meals and... general happiness (or lack of work stress).

My interview with the real estate firm went pretty well, too, and I discovered the job was also pretty cool. I just hope it doesn’t mess with my health again and that I thrive in the marketing field. I guess my plan, as of now, is to slowly inch myself closer and closer to Art, and not freaking jump from one area of expertise to another. I hope to get a follow-up call from that company, and that they don’t snub me like the other great businesses I applied to. :(

Because even when I’m tired and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be far, I have to keep going, never slowing down, because I’m always one step closer when I’m trying. Jesus help me.



*Code name/s