Lilith: Falling Out

Love

When Miles* and I met, we were both idealistic teenagers. We knew the distance was a hindrance to our relationship, but we met halfway, no matter what, and did our best to make up for what kept us apart. We talked for hours and hours everyday; we talked as much as we can. We couldn't get enough of one another. Each year, we got to know each other better; each year, it got easier to get mad at each other. Despite that, we stayed together. We were probably so glued together that even when we wanted to stay apart, we couldn't. We were inevitable.


Dreams

We were from different industries, all right. We knew this early on. As we set out to pursue our own dreams, we made sure that it'll work out for us in the long run. We had a few years to climb that ladder (our dreams); and once we're there, we would get more liberty. We won't have any problems getting together, because we followed the right path--a path that was our own. It didn't matter that it will take me a few years, having jobs unrelated to what I really wanted to do. What mattered was that in the end, we still get to fulfill that. We supported each other. Of course, we promised each other to do our best not to let our dreams get between us--because we were part of those dreams. 

We were in each other's minds every step of the way. We considered each other with every decision we made. We were far from perfect, but we still had our dreams in mind--and so we continue to pursue them. No matter what, we had to achieve what we wanted.


Ambition

I still want to be a Photographer. I think he still has the same dream he had five years ago. However, we both share the same current situation: we're stuck with jobs that we are good at, but don't have much to do with what we really want. First, we swore we would only let ourselves be separated for a couple of year. Additional years after that frustrated us. Him, actually. I was all right with it at first, considering that I needed more time working my way up. I actually wanted a promotion that would allow me to buy the equipment and pay for the training. As I started to like what I was doing for work, I kind of put my real dream aside from the time being.

Meanwhile, his difficult job that gave him no freedom to........ do anything he wished, was becoming a bigger threat to our relationship. With his temporary assignment abroad, and the very limited time for communication (barely an hour a week), and my distrust and paranoia, our already rusty relationship was literally about to fall apart.

I had been so frustrated with him recently. He was being selfish, rude, impatient, inconsiderate, oh, I could go on... and of course, his lack of effort to try to be nice was frustrating as well. You can leave him alone without any follow-up, and he will not be better. You can follow up, and he'll get mad at you for pointing out "negative things about" him that he claims to "know already", and... yes, you guessed it; still no improvement.

I need to fix myself, too. But knowing he is NOT doing anything to make himself better makes it hard for me to change. The only real problems about me? I am short with him, and I don't trust him enough. I identify the problem in our relationship and discuss it with him and come up with an action plan we both agreed would work. But whether or not I stop being a bitch, he still continues being an ass. Can you blame me 100% for blowing my top all the time? I needed to control myself--and he did, too. He doesn't hold back at all.

Realization hit me hard a couple of days ago when we fought. This isn't new--I knew at least a year ago that he was beginning to fall out of love. If that wasn't bad enough, I could tell he was starting to love me less and less. I think we're almost at the end of this relationship. He was ready to give me up. Whenever I think of leaving, he would stop me. He would get mad at me, even, because he thinks I'm just going to give up. But recently, when I bring up that possibility, he would agree to it. It was no issue to him.

In fact, before our last fight, he himself was trying to push me away. He was justifying his reason for a breakup--I didn't care anyway. He said that, at least three times. He then scared me, on purpose, by telling me he decided to take a job that will make things worse for us, that will keep us apart longer, make this relationship harsher and more painful. He was attacking me. He was trying to hurt me. He knew it would hurt me, so he said it. Later on, when I told him I was shocked he said that (he promised me, when he first started working, that he will take the safest job and one that was most convenient for our relationship so we wouldn't spend time apart so much) he probably lied to me about his job, he was quick to defend himself. "No, this is what I meant". He was quick to feign innocence. I misunderstood. I took it the wrong way. He didn't say it right. Yeah, you didn't just try to smash my head with words. Uh huh. Of course, my loving partner.

He told me he basically had no choice but to go with that job. After I pointed a shaking finger at him, and after he quickly held his hands up in innocence, he said it was the best choice among other options out there. So, there were options, then. The others just so happened to keep our relationship intact.... but he chose the one that would destroy us.

He decided it was the best choice for us (he was still covering his ass; if he weren't mad at me, he would've sobbingly informed me that none of the job options pleased him one bit because they all sacrificed something) for us (without informing me or considering my thoughts or feelings), and that all I have to do is "be stronger for him".

So, as the poor woman, the shadow of this man, I shall just quietly and meekly accept my fate--I will follow him wherever he goes, and take the pain like a champ. He shall decide for our future, and I shall have no say and just "be strong for him" so we can stay together. No, fucker. He was taking me for granted.

I gave so many things up for him--people, time, my health, my happiness. I sacrificed my career, friendships, a social life, good relationships with my relatives, money, without thinking twice--for him. Now he's just had enough of that. He's too sick of me (he used to say no matter what happens he'll love me and stay with me. He would tolerate the worst of my sins and I would do the same. Now it takes a single word to anger him and make him up and leave me... unfortunately I am not the same. At least not anymore.) now that he's finding ways to get away from me. This was probably how things ended with his last ex. He just wanted to get rid of her; but he couldn't even when she was crazy, because she was needy and he felt guilty. If guilt is the only thing keeping him around, God, help me, because I don't know what to do with myself.

This is going to sound pathetic, but he's all I really got left. He's the only genuine thing I can rely on. I would mention two others--my parents--but it would be selfish to do so. They're sick, and stressed, and have heavier crosses to bear that I just don't want to add to that weight. I don't have anything and I don't have anyone else. Before I met him, I had everything. I lost everything because I chose him. Now he's leaving me, too.

He took everything back. He said he wouldn't take that job but there's no telling what happens. I say there IS. He can avoid that at all costs, if he wants this relationship. If he picks it, then I know where his priorities lie. That will be the final factor that will determine whether or not he still feels a thing for me. 

He said that he would pick that job because it would give him more importance. And he will earn more money. The thing is, I don't believe the money part. He's been bragging about earning so much since he started working, and he's been broke for five years. The money argument won't work anymore. So, really, it's because he wanted that job. Here's mister hurry-the-fuck-over-here-so-I-can-wake-up-next-to-you-every-day, telling me to wait for 8,709 more years for him because he's all LOLJK HEY BRB GOTTA TAKE THIS AWESOME JOB STAY THERE, STAY. STAY. GOOD GIRL! BE STRONG FOR ME. KBYE

Moreover, he solidified his selfishness and inconsideration by saying he doesn't want to live a mediocre life and he doesn't want a "mediocre wife" who doesn't support him. He wants the perfect job and a perfect wife. The thing is, the job he's talking about isn't his dream. Of course I don't fucking support it. That wasn't the deal. It will hurt our relationship. Why would I be up for it? Why have the tables turned? He was the one who urged me to move in with him on our first and second years together. Now that I want that, he wants the opposite and wanted to pursue his career instead. He did everything to justify his decision. He said so many WRONG things, I hope he was sober. I don't want him to say it was the alcohol or stress or lack of sleep talking. If he was going to say hurtful things, he better not be fuzzy-brained.

I told him he can't always have everything he wanted. He said he could, because his career and his relationship are both under his control. 

Wow. I really am just an object, right? A shadow?

Meaning, no matter what, he has to have a perfect career and relationship--so he'll do anything for these to happen. If he had to get a better girl, one who is a total lost puppy unlike me, he will. He'll get rid of me. Because pursuing the career you want is easy.


Mediocre VS Non-Mediocre

He said he wants to be the best in anything he does. (Really? Why aren't you being the best boyfriend to me? You've been treating me like SHIT!) He wasn't a black belt for nothing.

I told him, sorry, I don't share the same sentiment. This was the first time I admitted this, even to myself. My mother called my grades mediocre, and I would get shit from my parents for having average grades--in elementary school, high school, and college. I didn't aim for the top. I thought it was silly. I secretly fantasized about doing that--about being just like my mom and my cousins... honor students who excelled in sports, dancing, debating, writing, organizing, leading, singing, etc. It was the first time I really accepted that it was okay to be who I am. I didn't care about being the best. I just wanted the best. I didn't have to be it.

I thought about all the things I did--from playing the guitar to writing to creating art to singing to doing martial arts to keeping fit. I never completely committed to any of them. They were all very important to me, but I didn't feel the need to constantly improve myself in them. They were like flings. They were like booty calls to me. I knew photography was the one; I knew it was the career I'll eventually find myself marrying. But what? I'm stuck with my booty calls 'til then. I am not a pro in any of these, not even close. Mediocre. That's right. I just want to do what I want to do, be able to do it properly with no pressure to be perfect at it. Unlike him. 


Reality

I remember my best friend telling me a couple of months ago that she almost broke up with her boyfriend. 

Guess why?

She decided on some things on her own. She made plans for her future without his consideration. Without consulting him. I thought it was the strangest thing to get mad about. Why would he get mad? They weren't married.

I didn't get it 'til it happened to me.



Tomorrow, when I get home, I'll get myself shitfaced.


Lilith

--

*Code name/s

Lilith: Lost and Found

I. Lost

I left my job last month. After being bulled by someone from the management, I decided it would be wrong if I stayed a minute longer.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that a certain UM person was the root of most resignations where I worked. It was really just bad management, in general, and I could understand why people from different departments decide to look for other companies that deserved them. At first, I thought, the longer I stayed, the tougher I'd get. The better I'd be. I thought that by staying, I was proving a point... I was succeeding... winning.

Then, this happened:

One day, after accomplishing a few tasks at the office, I packed my bags and was about to leave for one of the outlets I handled--my boss told me I could. On my way out, UM told me not to leave because he needed to speak with me. I already knew then I was in for some huge bullshit. Prior to that, he sent an e-mail to the "marketing team", using the BCC option to "make sure we're not embarrassed", and as usual, insulted us without really insulting us. He's taking something out on us because we were not able to do something he apparently wants us to do.

I was led into a room with UMP and someone with a high HR position. My boss didn't know this (I was later informed by my mother that my boss should be informed of everything that involved me, work-wise). I was interrogated, questioned for my skills and abilities, because what I've been accomplishing for the past few months was apparently not enough. It was the usual: what have you been doing, what have you accomplished, what are you doing now, what can you do, and what can you accomplish questions.

I was inwardly panicking at the time because I was caught off-guard. I tried to be more vocal, and I answered every question. I was mocked and insulted every time; I did not get to finish some of my statements, and each clear explanation I gave was ignored, because my input was not valued. They clearly did not understand some of my explanations and insisted I was wrong, and they are right, therefore I had to be demoted.

All that, only because I have not acquired a sponsorship for an ongoing project that he has. First off, he never informed me that he needed a hand... from me. Second, my boss never told me I needed to do so. Third, I've been launching new brands ever since I started, which is top priority--so side projects like that will be accomplished alongside my main priorities UPON THE INSTRUCTION of a superior.

I knew all that.

However, at the time, I missed the fact that sponsorships were a a very minor deliverable in my contract. It was a by-the-way. It was a just-in-case. It was a could, not a should.

He told me I was not good, that I was not bringing anything to the table, that I have to contribute something to the company... which I was. I later on reviewed my job description and I was able to perform everything that was expected of me. And I performed very well! Even my boss approved of me.

I knew a few weeks before that that the company was cutting down on employees. They can easily let people go or stop hiring. They did not need to harass people and constantly insult them to force them to resign. I knew this was his purpose--besides being a bored lunatic who wants to stir things up all the time. He's the demon king who rules over the unwilling planet earth, who tortures and kills humans for a living... for the hell of it.

What happened was a lot worse than what I'm describing here. The closed door meeting lasted for about an hour, with me trying to calmly and politely explain and defend myself and him pursing his lips in anger exactly because I was. What he wants me to be is scared, quiet, shaking and stuttering. The HR person did NOT help me. Nobody from HR EVER really helped those who needed them. The good people. They were pro-management. In fact, the HR person helped UM insult me and put me down.

He put me under another department that reported directly to him, without informing my boss. Again. He had done this about 10 times since I started. My boss was furious but could not do anything about it.

I had a family emergency the next day and had to take the day off. I informed UM too but he did not believe me. He said I should show proof that I was not procrastinating. I was livid--my emergency involved my NUCLEAR RELATIVES and he didn't give a shit; he just did not believe it. I was going to put up with the crap he did the previous day--insulting me, badgering me, changing my position and my boss and pretty much everything else. But after that... I knew I had enough. The next day was a weekend, so I fixed all my turnover files, wrote letters of resignation and printed out every proof that I was pushed to leave for a good reason. I made sure I covered my ass. I handed in my resignation letter the very next week. It wasn't accepted at first, but I left them no choice. I gave them the reason and there was nothing else for them to do except take it.

I feel so bad for leaving because I was learning relevant IMC skills. My boss was seasoned, and the brands I handled had great potential. I was only starting out. Now I'm looking for a new job again, but I'm not so sure how to explain myself to potential employers. I find it so hard to. Friends keep insisting I just tell them I freelanced... I can't. My experience was relevant. I still want to have the same job... just somewhere else. Just with other people... younger people, preferably.

II. Found

If you know me well, you know that I'm not just good at looking people up online--you know I find it thrilling. I am obsessed with it, if I really wanted to know more about the person. A few pieces of information can yield a thousand if they're in the right hands (mine!). Sometimes, I just can't stop until I get enough information--the search can go for as long as days... or years.

Yesterday, I gave myself a congratulatory pat on the shoulder for another job well done in this endeavor. After almost a decade of trying to find new, relevant information about *Bruce. Up until a year ago, everything I found about him was passe. They were the same things I found years ago, after we lost contact. Anything else was useless; dead ends. 

I didn't stop. What seemed like a dead end a year ago had a secret passageway--there was a door I didn't see. One discovery led to another and... I found him.

I found out he didn't give me his full name--just the first two. Using those, I found at least five or six of his accounts. I can easily contact him now, but I am hesitant.

Why?

He was my first boyfriend. I'm not sure, but I think I was his first girlfriend as well. We were good friends before we took things to the next level. However, because of his immaturity and egocentrism and self-absorption, I left him. I wish I didn't have to, but even at age 15 I knew I couldn't put up with it. I sent him a note then disappeared.

I remember looking him up shortly after that. He never showed himself again. I saw a couple of his blogs and he never wrote about having any relationship. The slightest hint of that went along the lines of "I'm happy my friend won the girl over, as for me, I never really cared about love, nor do I care about it right now. We'll see if that changes at all."

I want closure. That's why I tried reaching out to two other guys I've had a thing with in the past, and lost touch with. I was mighty scared at first, because the reason those guys and I stopped talking was because things didn't work out. Either I hurt them, or they hurt me. I expected to be attacked once I introduced myself, but so far, so good, even with the nastiest parting I've ever had. To be honest, I am still searching for one last person, but things didn't end bad with that one, so I don't care as much. But Bruce? We definitely need closure.

Whether that girl he's with in that one picture is his girlfriend or not.

Whether Miles* and I are working out or not.


Honestly, I don't know why I'm so concerned about Bruce, when I am currently in need of a new job.

-Sighs.-



Dear Hotaru,

Nagisa finally found you. Nagisa will always find you. She's back to say she's sorry.
And "Let's continue our journey."



Lilith

--

*Code name/s

Lilith: Miles of octaves (my man's different speaking voice pitches)

This is a creepy yet empirical analysis of my beau's varying vocal registers. Read at your own risk.

I always kind of knew, but Miles*, like each one of us, adjusts the tone of his voice and manner of speaking depending on who he's addressing.

Its significance to me is overwhelming. In a matter of five minutes, I understood the importance of the people in his life and how he talked with them. I understood that it is one giveaway--one way for me to understand where a person stands in his life. I know him enough to be able to piece things together. I'm not even sure if he's actually easy to read, or if I probably have just known him for a long time, or if the theory that I'm actually pretty fucking discerning can be verified.

Hm. It could be all three.

No matter. I think I'm going to come up with a list first, then explain later. I'm not entirely sure if my educated guesses are accurate, but they all have a basis. Now, without further ado:

1. Me
2. My friends
3. His parents
4. His childhood friend and best friend, Christian*
5. His brother
6. Close friends
7. Friends, my parents
8. Acquaintances, strangers, supervisors, co-workers

I have yet to really get into how he speaks to different people around him. What I'm a bit certain of right now is his voice pitch. I guess this is obvious, but I've observed, and I'm pretty fucking sure, that his voice is in his highest octave when he's talking to me. I can't think of anybody else he's used this particular voice pitch on. The closest would be animals--you know, pets. Pet dogs. Actually, his voice goes a even a bit higher when he's addressing dogs. But don't we all talk funny towards animals?

Er, I don't, that's for sure. Hahaha. I talk to animals the way I talk with people. Boring.

I've observed that his voice goes a little deeper when he's talking to his parents. But I can also tell he's just as relaxed as when he's talking to me. I guess he's just a little more casual with parents, so he's being his usual self--the son. I don't want to say he's equally comfortable with me as he is with parents, because his parents and I offer distinct types of comfort. I only have theories right now as to why his vocal register is slightly different with his parents (compared to me).

I wanted to write about this after I've gone through the list, but it'll make more sense if I mention it now. I think that the voice you use to talk with people may/can/partially depend on how comfortable you are with them. With Miles, I guess the more comfortable he is, the higher his voice goes. I'm not sure yet. I think that it takes more effort to lower your voice than to raise it, so I assume that if you're very comfortable (and, well, pleased) with the person you're talking to, you unconsciously raise your voice pitch a bit.

Moving on... I've heard him talking with his best friend. His voice drops even lower, but his manner is still relaxed and friendly. Happy, even. He sounds more open, and now that I think about it, I think Christian, his parents and I belong to one group altogether. He's comfortable with all of us--and the difference in voice pitch that he uses on us is more natural than intentional. He's being himself, being Christian's Miles, my Miles, his parents' Miles. But he's still Miles.

I think that he plays the natural role of the boyish best friend; the obedient, respectful and responsible son; and, er, the boyfriend, which are reflected in the tone of his voice when he addresses Chris, his parents, or me, respectively. Again, there is barely any effort; probably even none, when the tone changes.

I'd like to point out a sub-theory: the voice register he uses on his parents can never be duplicated. They're his only parents, I think he will always speak to them in a distinctive voice, in a distinctive manner. I haven't actually observed that yet, so I don't know much, but I have a feeling I'm pretty spot-on on this one. When I hear him talking to his dad or mom, he sounds casual, his voice drops (lower than when he talks to me), he's polite yet at times he sounds bored. He's very controlled. You can never tell if he's being annoyed, happy, sad, or what. I guess that says something about how he wants to be perceived by his parents. Then again, I'm just assuming. It's interesting, though.

This one's interesting. His brother. I think the voice he uses on his brother borders on the one he uses with his close friends, casual friends, or even the people he works with. His voice would definitely be much lower on his younger brother. This time, however, it'll be slightly intentional. He would unconsciously make an effort to keep his voice lower. He's the older brother, he and little bro disagree more often than not. He's superior. He believes he is the better brother, the survivor, the winner, the one who will never get lost. He wants to show his authority, wants to influence the younger one, because li'l bro gets lost very often. Deep inside, he cares a lot about his brother, so he can be imposing, even just through the slightest of manners; and if his lost brother starts getting a direction in life, he wants to be responsible in making that happen.

I'd like to think his voice goes even lower with close friends. They weren't family, so of course there are some parts of him he'd like to mask. If a deeper voice helps, he'll do it. This is all unconscious, by the way; the effort is almost not felt, but it is there. Friends? Deeper. Acquaintances? Even deeper. The people he works with? He's at his lowest damn Do. And I get it. The more he has to keep about himself, or the more he has to impress them, or maintain a certain impression, the lower his voice goes. I think it reassures him. They become part of his walls. Somehow, I wonder if we are all like this.

The voice he uses with my parents is entirely different, to be honest. It is deep, because he put some walls up, but there's also a certain nervousness about them. It's another distinct voice. It has some elements from the one he uses when talking to his own parents, and some parts from when he addresses my friends. I'll get to that one in a bit. It's a little tense, but polite, but self-conscious; careful. He's trying to be precise, and he's still testing waters. It'll change someday, so I'm not worried. Somehow I wish his voice would go up a little when my parents converse with him.

I think it's pure discomfort with my friends. In a way, he tries to sound like he's talking to me when he's talking to my friends. He's part nervous, part self-conscious. A hundred percent polite and borderline awkward. It may be the fact that there probably isn't anything common between my friends and him; or that he probably won't encounter the same group of friends again in the future that he doesn't seem to be making an effort to put himself out there too much (control his voice somehow). My friends are his acquaintances, but his voice retains the same quality as it does when we talk. In other words, he's actually only reserving that voice for me if I ever engage him into a conversation while my friends are around (which I do), plus, plus (he wants to appear friendly, boyfriend-like, gentle, and polite).

Unpleasant thoughts plagued my mind as I wondered what he would sound like if he had to talk with other women (not just ones from work, but strangers, or friends of friends, relatives of friends, friends of relatives); particularly attractive ones. I also wondered how he's talk to his exes. I witnessed a conversation between him and his ex before, and damn, was he talking to a puppy? Besides being a teenager, was there any other reason his voice was borderline soprano? Was he trying to meet the shrill vocal quality of his freaking ex? I wonder.

--

It's funny that I think about these things--even funnier that I write about it in a research paper-inspired manner. I feel kind of sick knowing I'll probably never have anybody thinking too hard about me like this, trying to figure me out as if I'm a problem to be solved. I yearn for that for some reason, but I only want that from one person, nobody else. That's not too much to ask, is it? I don't need that kind of attention from anybody else but a significant other.

There are times I wish I was male so I could please some hopeless woman out there who believed no man would ever cry when they first see her in her wedding dress, or notice that they're wearing a new pair of earrings or cut their hair a fourth of an inch shorter, or that they have different types of laughs, or varying voice registers.

Hm... but this is life, meaning it's real. Meaning, this is not a film, or a book... not a work of fiction. Things hurt and you feel them. You can't re-read something you missed, or skip pages to get to the end. You can't re-write it and you can never expect anything. The characters are more real, more fucked up, more unbelievably unpredictable. 

Call of duty! The kitchen beckons me. My stomach protesting is saving me from getting upset. Therefore, I must retire, and hopefully I don't creep out too many people with this revealing post. Oh, well, I warned you anyway.


Lilith

--

*Code name/s

Lilith: When a relationship matures

I’m not a relationship expert. Nonetheless, I can speak for the feminine gender regarding this subject, and can probably give sound opinions on the matter... I think. -_-

The nature of a romantic relationship you have when you’re in your teens is different from that of one you have when you’re in your twenties, thirties, etc. Of course, we can’t make generalizations, because each relationship is unique.

If you’re one of those people who have been with your partner since you were teenagers (we are now, of course, assuming you’re much older), I assume many things have changed in your relationship. You may be more deeply connected, or connected in more ways than you could have ever imagined when you first dated. Perhaps you’re sick of one another, or are hating each other more and more as time passes. You could also be falling, or growing apart.

If you’re anything like me and you care about staying together, you will see the problem/s and have intelligent forecasts—and a lot of times you won’t see good things in the future—so you talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about it and find ways, together, to improve things.

My biggest relationship issues have something to do with verbal and mental communication. When you’re in a new relationship, you never really run out of things to talk about and you don’t have to be good at reading each other’s actions. You will usually be pleased with the things you discover about one another, because you and your partner strive to put your best feet forward at all times. You do this too much that when you are faced with your first challenge—a disturbing discovery—you can easily shrug it off.

Miles* and I were the happiest couple I knew. That honeymoon stage lasted for, I think, two years.

But early into the first year, when I was at my happiest with him, he crushed my heart for the very first time. I was obsessed with looking people up online, so when I looked him up, I found out he had a girlfriend.

We’ve been dating for around three to four months then. How could he have “forgotten” to mention that? I confronted him the following day, after I thought I would die of hypertension from stress.

He told me he had already broken up with her. He said he had taken care of that two weeks prior to my discovery. It didn’t help anything and I didn’t trust him at all... but that, I figured, wasn’t the worst of my discoveries. It was just the beginning of my trip to Calvary (more on that on this blog in the near future). I can sort of laugh at that one now that I have more serious and alarming issues—now, with real, heavy, adult-relationship concerns, I find that fault cute.

I broke up with Miles at one point because he had just become so indifferent, short, and cold; on top of being his typical uninterested self. I admit that I can be easily bothered by hurtful words, but that’s because you are supposed to be compassionate towards people you care about/love. I end up making a big deal out of such things, which in turn, upsets him and stresses him out, and then he gets short and irate. He would spit one offensive sentence after another, just adding insult to injury. I try to reason out with him, try to enlighten him about what exactly is happening, but he’s already shut me out. He only cared about having a good night’s rest over solving pressing matters.

Before the break-up, he made me cry every day (I used to barely cry because of him)—he didn’t care about the relationship anymore, and he was sick of me. Sick of me caring about this relationship and trying to fix it and trying to explain to him that he shouldn’t be hurting me, and that he should be kind to me. He always assured he was trying his best to be better, but I always found that hard to believe because right after every promise that he’ll sensitive to my feelings, he would find another way to similarly offend me—within another week, the following day, or the next half hour.

We were dealing with an endless cycle of fuckup-fight- makeup. Each time we fight we are slightly different people—I think we like each other less and we pull away from each other more. He’s less patient, I’m less forgiving, he’s less sensitive and I’m stricter. The only point we meet at? We were both growing exponentially lax towards each other. He can grab me and throw me around as he pleases because he knows I’ll never leave him; I can do the same because I believe I have the right to. Is it okay that we do these things? I don’t own him, and he shouldn’t be taking me for granted. We are equally at fault and we screw each other up equally. The good news? We’re both intelligent and underneath all the anger and hatred, we knew what was wrong, and what we should do.

We do have miraculous, and rather peaceful conversations wherein we discuss about how we can improve our relationship. We talk about the manner we address each other and how to make it better. I suggest a shitton of things to help us get closer again, besides the usual link-sharing and storytelling.

Miles and I are from very different backgrounds. For one, only one of us is Asian. We were brought up differently, too. He’s government/service-oriented employee and I’m in the communications/creative field. I can write and draw and shit and he can do math and engineering shit. He has a dick, I have mammaries (I think). He’s just a few years older, which means I’m still a few years older than he is. I’m good at handling money, he... needs improvement in that area. The world amazes me, and I am endlessly fascinated by so many things—a dynamic character, that used to be one-dimensional and self-centered and contended living inside a box. He’s a little bit more into specific things, and will tend to avoid things outside of his expertise or interest. He makes up for that by being outgoing, wanting to explore the world, never being able to stay put at home like I do. In short, he’s a dog, and I’m a cat.

I guess that’s where some of our problems lie. We’re actually so different. Neither of us ever thought we’d ever disagree so much about so many things at the beginning of the relationship. And, duh, it’s because we only shared our interests with each other—and tried to mirror each other.

As our relationship aged, we slacked off more. Yes, we got busier, dealt with more real-life problems as time passed, but you can only control that so much until it starts to control you.

Thankfully life stress hasn’t gotten to me bad enough to ruin my love life yet. His tolerance seems to be a little smaller, since he can only handle so much ‘til he breaks. I insist that he can help it, that he can help himself, because there’s no other way but to do that unless he wants to ruin us; but he needs more time to learn how to.

Controlling your emotions, especially negative ones, can be learned. As educated adults, he and I can support each other on that, to have a more positive attitude that will help him and I become us again.

Being uninterested, tuning out, and lack of verbal communication, though, can be a massive deal breaker. Just because you’re from different backgrounds doesn’t mean you have to remain an alien to their world. You actually shouldn’t. I think it’s so cool that mom can’t do sports and isn’t into sports, but she watches with my dad the sports guy, and understands basically every sport’s mechanics. I find it even cooler that dad the action movie fan buys and watches feel-good, female-skewed movies with my mom and I. And likes it! These seemingly simple gestures are far greater than what they appear to be.

I now tell Miles that there’s no reason to just sit there and listen when I talk about my work. It feels like a chore when I explain terms he may not be familiar with because he just stares blankly at me and nods and mhms. I don’t know if he gets it, and I’m sure he doesn’t, so I encourage him to ask. What, why, how. I like it when people ask me questions. I’d LOVE it if he did. His work jargon usually throws me off sometimes so I’d politely (or sometimes, impatiently, because hello, I don’t know anything about machine work) ask him to explain what this one tool is, its purpose, how it’s dealt with, et cetera. To be honest, his face kind of lights up a little when I ask questions—not just about work, or his hobbies that I don’t share with him, but about things in general... like things I don’t understand, or his opinion on a theory, experience or event.

I think that one of the best ways to keep each other happy in a relationship is to keep learning more about each other. This requires a keen sense of observation and a natural, endless curiosity about the other person. Your partner-pleasing powers increase when you know more about them.

If you really are into your partner, consider these things: you don’t have to share every interest, but showing them that you’re willing to be part of their world more, learn about them endlessly, keeps them just as interested in you. Remember what got you together in the first place—shared interests, opinions, experiences.

I have a feeling we’ll get back together very soon.

Lilith

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*Code name/s