Lilith: What has changed since then

One of the many things I considered before I decided to go back into blogging was the radical change of my life’s scenery today from a few years ago. Let’s see: a few years ago, I was still in university, biting my nails over my future each day. A few years ago, I wanted to live on my own (I still do, because... who doesn’t?), but it was a much bigger deal back then, because I was not expecting to spend my money on something more expensive in the near future. I would sleep so early at night, around 7-8:00 p.m., to wake up extremely early in the morning, around 2-3:00 a.m., so I could talk to the guy I liked. I had 3 a.m. “dinners”. I’ve never had a dog give birth. I was more single than not. I looked better because I regularly went to a martial arts class. I was unemployed. Unemployed.

I have a caffeine problem right now. I don’t like the taste of acid of my tongue, not to mention the unbearable pain brought about by Being A Fucking Woman at certain times of the month, so I tried withdrawing from coffee. It was fine at first, until my body (yeah, right) realized that it’s what jumpstarts me every day. It’s what launches me into the damn moon. But in the afternoon, a nagging feeling drags me to the kitchen to make myself another mug. I know... another. Mug.

I think I’ve gotten so used to the sour/bitter taste in my tongue that I probably wouldn’t know when to stop, even when I have to. I wonder if decaf will help.

I am currently floating between ‘single’ and ‘taken’ and it’s not the most comfortable thing. I’ve had some serious issues with Miles*... and for that reason, I’ve stopped being too reliable. I mirror his indifference, much to his dismay, but hey, you should get only as much (or less) as you give if you’re an asshole.

I am still being punished for making the stupidest decision in my life: leaving (read: not ‘quitting’, as my previous boss so insistently asserted when I handed over my resignation letter) my job without a replacement job.

When I look back on the day of my resignation, I wonder how things could have turned out if I chickened out. I was about to meet a new client, my first own account, the day after I planned to submit my letter (my boss was on sick leave that day). If I stayed longer, I probably would have been promoted around this time. Something tells me, though, that I would have broken down at some point, because I was a zombie even before I resigned.

God, you should’ve seen me. Gray skin, eye bags, stringy hair... my body was a thin layer of flesh covering bones.

I couldn’t sleep, did not want to go out during the weekends, barely ate because of stress and depression, hated myself everyday for going to work. I knew from the very beginning that pursuing a career that I knew I wouldn’t like would someday take its toll on me... and it did early on... but it did that more and more, each event worse than the previous one.

I’m still somehow relieved I left, because things could have only gotten worse. It wasn’t really the people, not the clients, not the environment. It was definitely not me. It was the nature of the job that I didn’t like—I always knew I wasn’t made for that line of work. I still thank heavens all the time for giving me the opportunity to survive for a year in a harsh environment, to have the best training ground in my career life, for the lessons and the great people who entered my life. I still made the right decision, and it could have been a very good one had I immediately started job-hunting.

No. I rested for two months. When I started seeking work again, it was hard. There’ve been many interviews, but none of them felt right for me. I am trying to make the right decision this time, but it’s now gotten so difficult that I am just about ready to jump on any opportunity, no matter how much I know I’ll regret it later on.

I hope I don’t have to. I have been heartbroken by three potential employers just because I thought the job would be perfect. I am desperately holding on to hope, but running out of time doesn’t really help you stay positive.

Tomorrow’s my interview with a big real estate business. I’m guessing if I am ever considered for the post that it will be a challenging job, but I still hope to be picked. Nothing is more important to me now than getting my brain cells, my life going again.

If I never find myself working in a non-profit organization, I’m fine with working for a big name. I’ll just have to wait for another opportunity for that one—when I have an established career, I guess.

The ironies of life are amusing! When you’re used to looking at both the negative and positive of every option, decision and situation, you often realize that you’re better off where you are now than somewhere else. It’s the second half of the year and even when I am not earning, I am healthy, happier than if I stayed at my old workplace, look better, and can draw and read and write for leisure all I want. I’m supposed to get married in two years, supposed to have my own place around this time, but NOPE. But I have a fairly good relationship with my parents, and now that I am at my age, I realize that that’s actually pretty cool.

\m/

Dear Readers, this is Lilith Otrera. Welcome to Surrealistic Realism. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.

Lilith

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*Code name/s