Project U

We are stars made of stars. And if you're a little New-Age-y like me, you're a star whose fate is in the stars...
...what happens when your stars die?

Hello, I am "Lilith". I'm back because I never should have left, ever. I never should have left my LiveJournal and Blogdrive blogs. I'm back because I know who I am by keeping a journal. I'm back because I find pieces of who I am from my old entries. I'm back because I met an awesome woman in her forties who I aspire to be, who pushed me to revive the old me.

I have lost myself throughout the years. Unfortunately, when I found the love of my life, I had to give myself up... I forgot who I am. I don't know who I am anymore, or I'm not sure. I don't even know what to do.

Who am I?

You won't find out who you are by thinking about it, but by actively making your life better. How do you know where to start when you have too many things to do and you don't know where to begin?

I make a list at work.

Where am I now? What is going on? What are my deliverables, who is the person in charge, what's the deadline and the status?

I think my life needs that right now.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

1. Family

Mom is done with her chemotherapy. It's been almost a year. I was crushed a few weeks ago when she told me that her oncologist said that the effectivity of chemo lasts for just two years. I don't know if she noticed a change in my expression when she told me that, but I felt... what was it? A rush of heat go up my chest from my stomach? I think remnants of that sensation reached my face. Some mothers can tell how you really feel behind a heavily-cemented expression... I can only pray that I've become so good at displaying a tough, positive exterior that it gets troubling because people think I'm okay.

I'm not okay. It's been almost a year since mom started chemo. The possibility of metasteses will go up two years after day one.

How is she? Is she okay? She said it so casually that I can't tell if she is learning to accept her situation. Once, before she told me this, she used the word 'terminal' to refer to her condition. It bothered me, but I brushed it off and thought she was just being pessismistic or did not want to have high expectations for her survival. I honestly believe she will crush this cancer and overcome it and age as I have always imagined her to be... together with dad... but I wonder if she's just handling things one day at a time, attending to day-to-day concerns as usual, until whatever happens, happens. I hated that thought. I hated that things have become lax at home... and that I am responsible for it, as well. 

I was the leader: I had the best plans that will help her recover fast. I led activities that not only helped her get healthy, but made her happy and brought our family closer, as well. Unfortunately, dad was just not into it. He's was too into himself and his own concerns that he could barely be bothered about his wife's health. I've learned long ago to accept that he doesn't love mom the way he should, but I had a bit of hope when mom was diagnosed.

Apparently, the crying and worrying and getting sick over mom's condition wasn't really for mom, but for himself. Who's going to take care of him? Who will stay by his side through thick and GODDAMNFUCKINGTHIN? He knows there's a huge possibility I would go the other way if he and I were left alone because he knows just how difficult of a person he is. He knows I wouldn't put up with his attitude. I love him no matter what, no matter how he is--but now, I'd like to make it clear that I have a love-hate relationship with dad. He treats mom so badly, it's unforgivable. He's unapologetic and yet he years for pity. Indeed, he is pitiful... but there's a whole side of him I just can't accept.

Dad's sick, too. He is afraid of getting checked because he knows he would lose it if the doctor tells him he has something terrible. Mom's condition was a shock; unexpected. He can't stop thinking that the same thing can happen to him.

Has our family bonded more since mom was diagnosed? A little. We still get on each other's nerves, we still scream at each other. Well... mom and dad do. It's like nothing happened. Whenever I'm around, I try to neutralize (WHAT. NOPE.) things by taking mom's side and yelling at my dad (YES. WRONG.) but when mom's on her own, I just wonder how much damage my dad does to her health. He's done so much, but he's in denial... so he keeps going.

Do I know a possible solution to help bond our family? Yes. Can I fix my parents' relationship? No.

Dad will always treat mom as a punching bag and a stressball. He will always find her annoying. I will always be angry that mom will never leave him, because I have tried to convince her so many times and even told her I had been dreaming about it since I was ten... but no. She never will.

All I can try to do is make sure he will never be her cause of demise!

2. Health

I may have fixed my bowel problems, but I am feeling all sorts of wrong somewhere in my abdominal area. I first felt discomfort the same month mom was diagnosed, but I brushed it off, thinking my body was having sympathetics... symptoms (?!) similar to mom's. I ignored it, and it didn't bother me until mid-year.

I experienced some pain after relieving myself. The pain was inconsistent, but it was always after I went to the bathroom. I got sick, got cured, had lab tests and everything was clear. The pain stopped.

The discomfort is apparent this month. I also had a few episodes of the same after-urinating pain and it lasted for a few minutes. At one point, I had to sleep it off so it would go away. I think I can feel a bulge inside my abdomen. I have a feeling I have stones... where and what kind, I'll have to find out when I see an OB.

I'm not okay.

3. Career

My third job redundated me because they can't afford my talent fee. Hmph! Eff you, too. It's okay, I was handling a dying brand... even though I had such good memories with that brand. Mom and I bonded over it and it's what got me into a particular Asian cuisine. Oh, well. I was thankful to get an invitation from an international company belonging to the same industry as my second and third jobs. The position was higher, the pay was higher, the people from my department are amazing and the brands somehow had a budget to spend initiatives on. Most people were difficult, though, especially our internal clients... but that's just how it is.

I won't lie, the job is difficult. It takes someone who is really in love with her field to stay as long as she can within the company. And, since it isn't family-friendly, and my family really needs me at the moment, I resigned after just 2 months. Initially, and on my first month, too, I brought that up with my boss. She declined and asked me to give it another chance by splitting time between work and my mom. I did... and stayed for another month. It didn't work, and now I have health complications, too. I end my contract with them next month... now I'm troubled for my career path.

I'm Miss Starts-Something-and-Never-Finishes-it. I've always been... well, since high school. Fuck high school, man, seriously. So much trauma from high school and college fucked me up and turned me into who I am, now. It's hard to accept who you are if you don't like who you are. I'm everywhere and nowhere. Mostly nowhere. Mostly a nobody. Nothing.

Now I'm looking into freelancing. I want to write and do voiceovers on the side. Here we go again. Because I don't have connections, and my skills need honing, and how fucking old am I? I feel demotivated about even starting somewhere. That's what always gets me down. Here's how I've always handled my career:

"I'll never be as good as _____."
"I'm not that good."
"She is better than I am."
"I wish I could be as good as _____."
"My skills aren't enough."
"I'm not as skilled/experienced."
"It's so hard."
"I'm trying hard, but am still not as good."
"It's a long way ahead and others my age/who are younger are more advanced than I am. It's useless, I'll just stop here and go with the flow."

Mom and dad told me I had a defeatist attitude ever since I was little. They didn't know where I got that from, because they couldn't think of anyone who was like that. When they asked me to do something, I would take a look at it and say I couldn't do it - e.g. climbing a wall, etc.

I fell out of love with my current field and, strangely, even when it's fucking annoying, I'm okay with it. At least I know it wasn't something anyone forced on me. I wasn't pressured to take all the fields I took since I graduated. I think that I am, at the moment, undergoing trial-and-error (bad for someone in their mid-twenties due to the increasingly demanding, aggressive and harsh world we live in!) career-wise and I'm taking baby steps to find myself in this regard. There's no other way but to do so, so I shouldn't really get mad about it, no matter how frustrating it really is. If I keep making the same mistakes (not exactly mistakes since it's T&E), I'll always be unhappy.

Who was I before all the pressure started? I was a writer and an artist. I was interested in sketching, speaking and writing. What were my favorite subjects in school? Retracing steps would probably help, so I'll do that.

I continued getting interesting interview invitations from good companies since I started at my current job but I knew I couldn't commit to a similar position after this. God knows I would have continued practicing my current profession if my previous employer didn't kick me out just because they were poor. If I had received the right kind of attention and training, I would have been great. I would have matured in this industry.

Alas, God has other plans for me.

4. Love

I broke up with Miles* when I started at my new job and I think we're currently at the process of patching things up. It really takes both parties to do so, because we've been going back and forth, switching roles all the time. We're both naturally terrible to each other, but one always gives way to the other. We just never happened to gentlemen at the same time... until now. I think.

Before all this, I felt slightly lost, but tried to look at the good side of things. I wanted to go wild. I wanted to mess around with strangers I'll never meet again. I wanted to be bad. I wanted to date, meet new people, pretend I have a vice or two... or four. I found myself talking to Jesse*. I don't know how things escalated that fast, but within weeks were... dating, or in some sort of exclusive mutual understanding. That was days after I left Miles. I was transparent with him, and I thought he understood my situation. Although I had always been interested in my relationship with him in another universe, or another time, I knew somehow it could never be on mine. We attempted that... we failed. 

Although it wasn't my fault, it was made to look like I fucked things up. Typical Jesse, actually. He blows up out of nowhere and you just can't figure out what sets him off. I thought he had finally grown out of that attitude. It is now clear to me that that's his nature... just as mine is I am unforgiving, and Miles is he's just uninterested, and dad's is he just thinks of himself/he's selfish. Jesse just finds a way to get pissed or upset at the strangest things. And he gets so, very, passionately upset.

He dumped me because I wanted to be selfless. I was thinking of his feelings, of his heart. I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to do the right thing.

I hadn't gotten over my six-year relationship to my ex-fiance, and I had problems left and right. I told him I was broken, I told him if I wanted to deserve him, I had to be whole, and since he said we should take it easy, that I should slow the shit down, that WHOA MUHFUCKR I should step the fuck back for a sec, then he shouldn't be talking about getting me to move to where he is and living under one roof and marrying me. It freaked me out--yes, strange, those things usually don't! It did.

I also didn't like the way he played hard to get, like Hugh* did when he got at me and manipulated me. I now realize I do these things to Miles... all the time. Getting a dose of your own medicine never goes well... at first. If it teaches you a lesson, it's worth it.

I've become quite the optimist. I have to be... for my loved ones.

Uh, going back... after the dumping, I focused on work and other things, and when I finally tried to reach out to Jesse again, he made a snarky comment about how I "just didn't feel like talking to him" two weeks after our last conversation. I figured that he obviously ignored me on purpose. I was disgusted, but since I wasn't trying to chase him the way he wanted, I decided to slow down even more. I figured he wanted to be chased, and I didn't want to. I wasn't going to give him that because what he did to me made him unworthy. I saw Hugh in him and I was correct to never chase the guy.

A few years down the road, and if he changes into a better man (like Hugh) and I happen to be single, I might.

Well, because Hugh changed. He's less of an asshole, though still freaky/creepy, and getting less and less genuinely interested in me. Probably happens when you slowly realize you'll never really end up with the person you're in love with.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is why two people who used to have romantic feelings for each other can never truly be just friends, except in special situations.

In my case, men will only stay interested in you as long as they can get you. If all you want to be is friends with them, no matter how many times they swear they have your back even when you don't end up with them...

...it's horseshit.

5. Friendship

I'm also trying to trace my friendship traumas to find ways to fix it. One of the reasons I'm introverted at the moment might be the shallow, selfish people I am surrounded with everyday since high school. I've always had trust issues and I never get to keep good friends for a long time. I also barely see or hang out with the ones I'm close with... and they're what, one, two people from high school?

It's a problem because I long for companionship. Gross, did I really say that? Lilith v.23.0 wouldn't even dare mention her weaknesses! Then again, I'm the latest, upgraded version! I am better!

Acknowledging your demons is a good thing. You have to find out next, however, how to deal with them. All my personal issues are interrelated, so I need to fix them one by one. My desire for relationships with friends that run deep would affect my personality, my drive, my mood, my passion. I could be more successful, more confident, see more of the world, save those who need saving, cry less, be happier if I had more and better genuine relationships with friends. 

I don't know where to start here; I think it all begins with myself. I think the current reason why I repel people (which is the problem) is that they don't give a shit about me. They don't give a shit because they're not interested in my shit. They're not interested because my shit is all negative. My shit is negative because I'm just generally sad. Because nothing really great happens in my life. Because I am demotivated. Because of my past traumas.

An ex-boss said you will have an AHA! moment and figure out how to go about things when you run out of answers to the question "WHY?". That's what I think I should do to fix my bullshit.

6. Self

I need to figure out who I am, and what I need to do. Funny how fateful meetings with blessings in disguise (hello, close friend (would you let me call you that?) who I hung out with overnight just weeks ago, and 40-something inspiring writer/artist/biker I just met!) trigger you to do something big: I'd like to call it PROJECT U (U as in you, and U as a Southeast Asian word meaning 'to progress') in my case. 

When I find out what I want to do and do what I want to do in life, I'll be better. When I'm better, I can project better to other people (Miles, or, realistically, potential partners out there; relatives and loved ones; myself) and gain genuine friends. 

Unfortunately, gaining friends and partners means grabbing their attention the way an effective advertisement does (via interest). I guess I just have to accept that humans will always be selfish and unconsciously consider this question: "what's in it for me?" before they even commit (be friends with, go out with, buy, spend time, effort, etc. on) to something/someone. 

Fortunately, there are people like me who know this, and we can help others realize this, too. I think the end goal here is, when all is well with me, to help and save people in any way I can.


Wish me luck in this new project. Help me, God. Help me, Universe.


Lilith

--

*Code name/s

Lilith: floating aimlessly in between two mountains

Almost four months into my new job again, but I'm positive that this time, if something fucks up, I can at least wait until I've ended my probationary contract. I really do intend to stay, though, despite how strict the company is with leaves, absences and tardiness. I also work ten hours a day instead of the typical nine, with a position lower than my last one... though taking home more dough.

Work's distance is also a plus since it's much nearer to home compared to the two to three hour commute I used to do. People here are more tolerable and some of them are even nice friends. It's pretty awesome in general.

I get impatient with many things though. When everything is slow-paced, I mean it. You literally do nothing. Good thing we've got some pending projects now and I'm flexing my muscles in preparation of... getting shit done. I'm hoping to get a promotion here and I'm positive if I do very well ,then there's a very good chance I will.

I feel underemployed for some reason and that some other people are underqualified for their positions. It can be a huge hassle, I'm telling you. People you need to rely on sometimes are useless and you end up doing things yourself.... which can be a plus for me. It means I can get things done and I can do it better. I'm independent and capable.

I hate that people are sometimes unreliable, unconcerned and slow. I don't understand why a person can't care for their job if it's where they're getting their money from....... and if it's a pretty easy one as well. Honestly, the only thing that makes my job complicated at the moment is the load. That's all. There's just a lot to do... but it doesn't require too much thinking, like the one I had before.

Changes in the structure have changed since I've been here. It's strange how companies easily switch people's responsibilities like it's that easy. I heard last week that instead of handling one brand, I'll be a shares services person, helping out with several brands instead of just one. I shrugged at the thought. What's new? I've always handled more than one brand. Thank you, first job!

What's new with me and Miles, besides having a worse relationship? Haha. It's funny how whenever we improve in some aspects, we start to fail in others. He's much shorter with me, terrifyingly, irrationally shorter now, to be honest.... he now mocks me when I'm down. He doesn't like to spoil me anymore and do as I request no matter how much I explain to him it's what we, or I need. He doesn't think of me that much, but thinks too much about what other people would think of him. He's mostly real with me and hides behind several masks with other people. I wonder how many masks he uses on me?

I've declared myself single to him several times this year every time he shocked me with how much of an asshole he could be. He never fails to shock me in the bad attitudes he's been developing recently, but his old, albeit habits don't surprise me anymore. Despite this, I have a strange feeling he isn't cheating on me anymore. Then again, who am I to know? He just admitted to me this month that he does look at other women.... but denies that he checks them out. But notes that he notices that they're attractive. Um. Uh. Wha?

I couldn't get that mad--I notice good-looking people too. What scares me are the men around me. Deeply committed, but openly check women out in the absence of their wives/long-term girlfriends. I feel so bad for the ladies that I feel like intruding and telling on the assholes. One day. One day. :(

I can't help it. I've been there. Many of my loved ones have. I can't help but want to protect my fellow women from injustice.

I've become even more of a feminist now and I can't be any happier. I am educating people in little ways on how to be less sexist against women and LGBTs. I hope I'm helping somehow.

I've become more open to some concepts, too; objective and more accepting. Gay, bi children, giving them a bit more freedom than what I have (and I have a lot compared to other people my age), religion and non-religion, sentiments of various people based on age, culture, ethnicity, experience, et cetera. It's refreshing. You feel like you're above the Earth. You can see everything and don't have to take sides... while everyone else is chained by biases.

I wonder how things are going to end vetween Miles and I. Will we still be together or will we split up for real? He'll barely get to speak with me beginning next year... for almost two years because he picked a new job that requires that kind of intensive training (did that on a whim because he was mad at me... now we face the life-damaging consequences). I'm not sure we'll get to meet this holiday because even when he saves up more than enough to see me, I'm not sure I can take a three... or even two-week leave without getting fired.

When you're faced with problems like these, you need to address them, pronto.

Never run away.


Lilith

ATYT: the bratty employers' market

It's hard to ace interviews where the employer tries to find faults in every decision you make. I'd try to imagine myself answering question X with A, but I know what the interviewer will conclude from that answer and mention it's a concern, so I think of answering with B, but the interviewer will find it as another concern. For example, if you say you are independent, they'll tell you they can't have some antisocial fucker work for them because sometimes you need to work with others. Sorry, but independence doesn't mean social awkwardness or refusal to work in a team. However, if you say you are a people person, they're going to tell you that they need someone independent and has no problem with working alone because you can't always expect support from your coworkers. Apparently, in an interview, the proper way to describe yourself to some morons should be like this:

"I am both up and down. I am white, however, I'm black, too (hell, I can even be any shade of gray any day!). I'm smooth, but also rough. I'm cold and hot at the same time!"

Then they'll give you a slow clap.

It's odd that there are right or wrong answers during job interviews where correct answers aren't required. It's also unfair that you get judged for something so trivial AND THEN insulted, that no matter how good your skills or experience or demeanor, they'll just shoot you down. If it's a test of patience or tolerance, that's okay. But I'm positive that 90% of those kinds of interviewers (not from the HR, but hiring managers) were dead serious about being rude. I was going through pages and pages of complaints about rude hiring managers on a forum last night after my experience with a small company (here, where I'm from), operating behind a quite well-known international brand... and hearing about worse stories didn't make me feel better. In fact, having been interviewed, I believe, so much more than people my age that I know, I can say I haven't really met anyone who was just downright demonic. I've had hiring managers:

-looking at my resume, smirking condescendingly all the time while asking me questions whose answers he didn't believe (what's the point then?),

-implying that I should dress better (honestly and humbly speaking... I dress up pretty well on a regular basis and you can ask around about this... so of course when going to interviews my look is much more upgraded, and I don't get this part one bit--did they want me to wear expensive brands with a bigass logo printed on my bag, shoes, my blazer's back etc., to be impressed? Did they want me to wear 24k gold jewelry or diamonds or pearls or... 24k gold shoes with diamonds and pearls embedded in them? Or should I have entered the room in a carriage, or being carried by my butler, and offer them some champagne? For real.),

-telling me my relevant work experience was not relevant (I later on laughed at this experience, after I found out that that company was particular with hiring employees who are at least half-Chinese, and who are preferably round-faced [for good luck, I was told] and I'm so sorry I'm just a Pacific mutt with brains, a good personality and the right experience... boo hoo),

-telling me that they wanted fresh grads but those freshies have to have a few years of experience in the industry (huh???),

-telling me they want fresh grads but should not have to train them (as if you really learn about how things really go down in college! These are all books and simulations! I've been there; are you crazy? You can't not train fresh grads. Even the ones with good exposure to the industry needed to be guided!)

-reading into everything I say: "is doing so and so part of this position's job?" He said, "yes; do I sense hesitance in doing that? " No fucker I want to know the extent of the duties and responsibilities of that position because....... duh. I don't just take a job, not knowing that as a (sarcasm, for those who have difficulty identifying it) social media marketing executive I also have to clean toilets and sell cookies and also be the company driver. And do the CEO's daughters' homework.

-telling me I seem to be uncomfortable, therefore I can't communicate with all types of personalities (I was happy to find out last night, on that forum, that many interviewees get the "you're (too) shy/timid/lacking in confidence" when every. Single. Fucking. Applicant. Would. Always. Be. Nervous. During. An. Interview. It's nerves, excitement; they have to be alert and heighten their senses somehow and try to say the right things without knowing whether or not they're even doing so--have you ever been there? It's crazy! And then when you meet someone who isn't nervous, they're too cool and cocky? Wow, okay.

-not believing anything I say after previously not giving them a particular answer that they were looking for.
"Okay so Lilith, define love with one word." "Passion."
"Okay well that wasn't the answer I was looking for. Anyone who fits this position will definitely answer 'skiddadlewiddershins'. So have you done ABC before?"
"Yes (proceeds to give examples)"
"So no. No you haven't."
"I believe I did, and I have those examples to support this as well..."
"Nope. Wrong. So Lilith after I asked you 570, 084 questions about irrelevant stuff you learned in school a long time ago that basically nobody remembers anymore, I can tell that your knowledge is nonexistent. So what else can you contribute to the company if we give you this position?"
"I can W, X, Y and Z.... etc. Etc."
"Okay well we don't need W because I can do that. We don't need X because another one of our employees can do that. Y is pretty silly because duh it just is, and Z is useless 'cause I say so."
"..."
"So you're not knowledgeable and have nothing to offer so you may not fit here (proceeds to defend herself for calling me stupid and useless by acting "fair") so anyway, what sets you apart from other applicants?"
"I'm H, I, and J and I always K."
"OK BUT YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT"
"..."

Obviously, for some reason, I stopped being a candidate after she didn't get the answer she wanted. She should have just let me go home so I can have lunch and continue to look for other opportunities!

Thanks for reading my emopunk rantings. I guess this had been bottled up for years that I just had to explode in such a way that the fresh grad-Lilith, early employment-Lilith and now-Lilith have  merged into one,therefore coming up with this mess of a blog post.

Also, TMI: I'm PMSing. And I'm so done with being insulted  yesterday. I still lost all my confidence and happiness and drive yesterday from being told that even with everything I know and can give, I don't even deserve an insulting minimum wage assistant job even after my non-rank-and-file, almost managerial experience just because she asked a bunch of high school entrance examination questions that I didn't answer the way she wanted me to. Boo hoo. :( A whole hour of putting me down... I hope she got a kick out of that! What a shithead.

Out.


Lilith

ATYT: On being a working loser

Since I left my job, I've gone back to a routine that's all too familiar and rather unwelcome: staying up late, waking up before noon (I've actually become better with my sleeping habits compared to when I was... much younger), not taking breakfast seriously/taking "Rockstar Breakfasts"** and of course, struggling with the jobhunt. True, the recent, almost month-long illness I recently dealt with ruined my momentum, but I can't help but be frustrated at the demons and angels constantly debating in my head--do I regret leaving my first job? Yes. No. Why do I? Why don't I? It was for the best. No, it wasn't. Do I regret leaving my second job without a replacement job after I seriously learned my lesson the first time? No. In fact, I had everybody's blessings! Including the goddamn company itself, no matter how much I wish I didn't (yet)! Wait, maybe I do? Maybe I should have just allowed assholes to humiliate me everyd--wait, no. I can't. Where did I go wrong? Did I even make a mistake?

And then, I look back, and realize I did nothing wrong. I couldn't stay. But something went wrong somewhere. However, I can't turn back time. I made decisions I regretted, but when I try to imagine taking the other available options for those situations, I can't help but accept that I picked the better choice.

The things I should've done, that could've made my resume look better, were so far back in the past; there's no helping it. I'm finding it strange that I am pissed at myself for things I have no control over. I've actually been making good career decisions since I started my second job... I am just angry that the circumstances made everything wrong even when they weren't supposed to be.

Look at me now. I sometimes have chips or candy for breakfast, then fall back asleep. I have lunch at 3 p.m., 4, even. I feel proud of myself when I have lunch at 2 or 1, and want to throw a party if I have it at noon. I feel accomplished when I eat a proper breakfast. I feel hopeful when I go to an interview and ace the easiest interview to ace--the first one, or any with an HR person. I feel depressed and make up excuses to treat myself to an expensive beverage, meal, or something nice by convincing myself that I deserve or need it. I play with the dogs every  ow and then, they are a source of entertainment. I fight with Miles* often, making me question not the relationship, but the mental state of the people in it--are we okay? Is he, am I right in the head? Are we bipolar? Do we have anger issues? Are we short and hot because we are part of the highly pressured generation?

Just a few hours ago, my parents were giving me a glimpse of how things were in the past--people who married at 20 at a certain time were young. But, the generation before that married at 18, and that was okay. BUT! A generation before that married at 16 and that was the norm! Not too long ago, getting married in your mid-20's was pretty ideal. But a few years ago, when one of my cousins married at 27 or 28, my mom said they were too young. What the actual fuck?

Please excuse me while I silently consider my goal to marry at 24 and have a child a little after that.

Well, decisions change, and now that I'm close to my once marrying age goal, I don't think I'm up for it yet 'til I'm sure everything's set. But now most people are considering marrying in their 30's. I wonder if, 25 years from now, people will start considering marrying at an even later age. Is that how things work? Can we remember that our bodies deteriorate in time and stop letting money and success take over our lives and happiness?

Look at me now: I'm best friends with my laptop, smartphone and the internet. I'm constantly on social media websites and dreaming online. Reading manga, discovering music, watching series, catching up on movies and books and rest. I barely move. I'm too skinny yet I don't eat well and somehow, I'm starting to get some fat in some areas (?!).

To be honest, I think I kinda suck. Almost a year after grad (it was my fault, I was too lax) before I got my first job. Left, took another 7 months before I landed myself a new one. Left immediately and God please help me get a good, new one ASAP because...

Why? Think about it. Why do you want to work? Do you even want to? I questioned myself and even when the inquiry came from me, I was afraid to answer, silently. I had to do it step by step:

Do you want to work, Lilith?
Yes.
Why?
Um... because (another answer keeps fighting its way into my head, but I kept pushing the thought away) I want to buy things, pay for stuff and have a career.
But if you had an unlimited source of  income, would you still consider getting yourself a job; employed, like you want to be?
No.
Why?
Because the truth is, some people really don't want to work. Maybe it's because most people do things they don't exactly love. People want to play, even when they're at work. That's why it's important to love what you do. They say if you do, you wouldn't consider it 'work'.
So then why do you say you 'want to work'?
I think it's because of societal pressure. It's the kind of pressure people around my age from this generation get. We're expected to graduate from college, take a master's degree, work at this age, be able to accomplish this much at this age, be able to do this at this age... or if we can't afford college then we have to find success in other ways like a business, or something similar. Expectations. They fucking suck.

Truth be told? Even if we lived on a little money, as long as we're not hungry, have shelter and all the basic needs, we'll be fine. Truth be told, most things around us that we consider important are just luxuries we don't need. Societal pressure. We're obsessed with success in different forms, whether real or made up, tangible or intangible.

Look at me. I am lonely. I am detached from things considered at important in life at this time: I don't have ANY real friends at the moment, I barely go out, I haven't traveled and done anything fun for the longest time, I am in a LDR, I talk to my dogs. Same sitch whether or not I am employed. It sucks, and I am sometimes frustrated with this kind of life. But deep inside, despite the yearnings, I'm still kind of happy! Holy shit. I have time. I know I can make up for this shit some time.

I was almost more sad than pissed when one asshole told me to "get a life, you need to go out more" when I was happy about something work-related that turned out good. I knew the fucker had a point and I did need to do many things more, but I had a life. Whatever I have right now is one. It's my life. Fuck off.

Maybe for the first two decades of my life I am meant to be a hermit. Maybe the next two or three I'll be a fucking world crawler. And more exposed to basically every type of person, place, event, activity and natural or synthetic creation than you'll ever be.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope my angels and demons entertained you tonight.


Lilith

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*Code name/s
**having the worst food options for breakfast; i.e. candy, soda, chips, chocolate, cake