Almost four months into my new job again, but I'm positive that this time, if something fucks up, I can at least wait until I've ended my probationary contract. I really do intend to stay, though, despite how strict the company is with leaves, absences and tardiness. I also work ten hours a day instead of the typical nine, with a position lower than my last one... though taking home more dough.
Work's distance is also a plus since it's much nearer to home compared to the two to three hour commute I used to do. People here are more tolerable and some of them are even nice friends. It's pretty awesome in general.
I get impatient with many things though. When everything is slow-paced, I mean it. You literally do nothing. Good thing we've got some pending projects now and I'm flexing my muscles in preparation of... getting shit done. I'm hoping to get a promotion here and I'm positive if I do very well ,then there's a very good chance I will.
I feel underemployed for some reason and that some other people are underqualified for their positions. It can be a huge hassle, I'm telling you. People you need to rely on sometimes are useless and you end up doing things yourself.... which can be a plus for me. It means I can get things done and I can do it better. I'm independent and capable.
I hate that people are sometimes unreliable, unconcerned and slow. I don't understand why a person can't care for their job if it's where they're getting their money from....... and if it's a pretty easy one as well. Honestly, the only thing that makes my job complicated at the moment is the load. That's all. There's just a lot to do... but it doesn't require too much thinking, like the one I had before.
Changes in the structure have changed since I've been here. It's strange how companies easily switch people's responsibilities like it's that easy. I heard last week that instead of handling one brand, I'll be a shares services person, helping out with several brands instead of just one. I shrugged at the thought. What's new? I've always handled more than one brand. Thank you, first job!
What's new with me and Miles, besides having a worse relationship? Haha. It's funny how whenever we improve in some aspects, we start to fail in others. He's much shorter with me, terrifyingly, irrationally shorter now, to be honest.... he now mocks me when I'm down. He doesn't like to spoil me anymore and do as I request no matter how much I explain to him it's what we, or I need. He doesn't think of me that much, but thinks too much about what other people would think of him. He's mostly real with me and hides behind several masks with other people. I wonder how many masks he uses on me?
I've declared myself single to him several times this year every time he shocked me with how much of an asshole he could be. He never fails to shock me in the bad attitudes he's been developing recently, but his old, albeit habits don't surprise me anymore. Despite this, I have a strange feeling he isn't cheating on me anymore. Then again, who am I to know? He just admitted to me this month that he does look at other women.... but denies that he checks them out. But notes that he notices that they're attractive. Um. Uh. Wha?
I couldn't get that mad--I notice good-looking people too. What scares me are the men around me. Deeply committed, but openly check women out in the absence of their wives/long-term girlfriends. I feel so bad for the ladies that I feel like intruding and telling on the assholes. One day. One day. :(
I can't help it. I've been there. Many of my loved ones have. I can't help but want to protect my fellow women from injustice.
I've become even more of a feminist now and I can't be any happier. I am educating people in little ways on how to be less sexist against women and LGBTs. I hope I'm helping somehow.
I've become more open to some concepts, too; objective and more accepting. Gay, bi children, giving them a bit more freedom than what I have (and I have a lot compared to other people my age), religion and non-religion, sentiments of various people based on age, culture, ethnicity, experience, et cetera. It's refreshing. You feel like you're above the Earth. You can see everything and don't have to take sides... while everyone else is chained by biases.
I wonder how things are going to end vetween Miles and I. Will we still be together or will we split up for real? He'll barely get to speak with me beginning next year... for almost two years because he picked a new job that requires that kind of intensive training (did that on a whim because he was mad at me... now we face the life-damaging consequences). I'm not sure we'll get to meet this holiday because even when he saves up more than enough to see me, I'm not sure I can take a three... or even two-week leave without getting fired.
When you're faced with problems like these, you need to address them, pronto.
Never run away.
Lilith
Showing posts with label ambitions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ambitions. Show all posts
Monday, July 28, 2014
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Lilith: Falling Out
Love
When Miles* and I met, we were both idealistic teenagers. We knew the distance was a hindrance to our relationship, but we met halfway, no matter what, and did our best to make up for what kept us apart. We talked for hours and hours everyday; we talked as much as we can. We couldn't get enough of one another. Each year, we got to know each other better; each year, it got easier to get mad at each other. Despite that, we stayed together. We were probably so glued together that even when we wanted to stay apart, we couldn't. We were inevitable.
Dreams
We were from different industries, all right. We knew this early on. As we set out to pursue our own dreams, we made sure that it'll work out for us in the long run. We had a few years to climb that ladder (our dreams); and once we're there, we would get more liberty. We won't have any problems getting together, because we followed the right path--a path that was our own. It didn't matter that it will take me a few years, having jobs unrelated to what I really wanted to do. What mattered was that in the end, we still get to fulfill that. We supported each other. Of course, we promised each other to do our best not to let our dreams get between us--because we were part of those dreams.
We were in each other's minds every step of the way. We considered each other with every decision we made. We were far from perfect, but we still had our dreams in mind--and so we continue to pursue them. No matter what, we had to achieve what we wanted.
Ambition
I still want to be a Photographer. I think he still has the same dream he had five years ago. However, we both share the same current situation: we're stuck with jobs that we are good at, but don't have much to do with what we really want. First, we swore we would only let ourselves be separated for a couple of year. Additional years after that frustrated us. Him, actually. I was all right with it at first, considering that I needed more time working my way up. I actually wanted a promotion that would allow me to buy the equipment and pay for the training. As I started to like what I was doing for work, I kind of put my real dream aside from the time being.
Meanwhile, his difficult job that gave him no freedom to........ do anything he wished, was becoming a bigger threat to our relationship. With his temporary assignment abroad, and the very limited time for communication (barely an hour a week), and my distrust and paranoia, our already rusty relationship was literally about to fall apart.
I had been so frustrated with him recently. He was being selfish, rude, impatient, inconsiderate, oh, I could go on... and of course, his lack of effort to try to be nice was frustrating as well. You can leave him alone without any follow-up, and he will not be better. You can follow up, and he'll get mad at you for pointing out "negative things about" him that he claims to "know already", and... yes, you guessed it; still no improvement.
I need to fix myself, too. But knowing he is NOT doing anything to make himself better makes it hard for me to change. The only real problems about me? I am short with him, and I don't trust him enough. I identify the problem in our relationship and discuss it with him and come up with an action plan we both agreed would work. But whether or not I stop being a bitch, he still continues being an ass. Can you blame me 100% for blowing my top all the time? I needed to control myself--and he did, too. He doesn't hold back at all.
Realization hit me hard a couple of days ago when we fought. This isn't new--I knew at least a year ago that he was beginning to fall out of love. If that wasn't bad enough, I could tell he was starting to love me less and less. I think we're almost at the end of this relationship. He was ready to give me up. Whenever I think of leaving, he would stop me. He would get mad at me, even, because he thinks I'm just going to give up. But recently, when I bring up that possibility, he would agree to it. It was no issue to him.
In fact, before our last fight, he himself was trying to push me away. He was justifying his reason for a breakup--I didn't care anyway. He said that, at least three times. He then scared me, on purpose, by telling me he decided to take a job that will make things worse for us, that will keep us apart longer, make this relationship harsher and more painful. He was attacking me. He was trying to hurt me. He knew it would hurt me, so he said it. Later on, when I told him I was shocked he said that (he promised me, when he first started working, that he will take the safest job and one that was most convenient for our relationship so we wouldn't spend time apart so much) he probably lied to me about his job, he was quick to defend himself. "No, this is what I meant". He was quick to feign innocence. I misunderstood. I took it the wrong way. He didn't say it right. Yeah, you didn't just try to smash my head with words. Uh huh. Of course, my loving partner.
He told me he basically had no choice but to go with that job. After I pointed a shaking finger at him, and after he quickly held his hands up in innocence, he said it was the best choice among other options out there. So, there were options, then. The others just so happened to keep our relationship intact.... but he chose the one that would destroy us.
He decided it was the best choice for us (he was still covering his ass; if he weren't mad at me, he would've sobbingly informed me that none of the job options pleased him one bit because they all sacrificed something) for us (without informing me or considering my thoughts or feelings), and that all I have to do is "be stronger for him".
So, as the poor woman, the shadow of this man, I shall just quietly and meekly accept my fate--I will follow him wherever he goes, and take the pain like a champ. He shall decide for our future, and I shall have no say and just "be strong for him" so we can stay together. No, fucker. He was taking me for granted.
I gave so many things up for him--people, time, my health, my happiness. I sacrificed my career, friendships, a social life, good relationships with my relatives, money, without thinking twice--for him. Now he's just had enough of that. He's too sick of me (he used to say no matter what happens he'll love me and stay with me. He would tolerate the worst of my sins and I would do the same. Now it takes a single word to anger him and make him up and leave me... unfortunately I am not the same. At least not anymore.) now that he's finding ways to get away from me. This was probably how things ended with his last ex. He just wanted to get rid of her; but he couldn't even when she was crazy, because she was needy and he felt guilty. If guilt is the only thing keeping him around, God, help me, because I don't know what to do with myself.
This is going to sound pathetic, but he's all I really got left. He's the only genuine thing I can rely on. I would mention two others--my parents--but it would be selfish to do so. They're sick, and stressed, and have heavier crosses to bear that I just don't want to add to that weight. I don't have anything and I don't have anyone else. Before I met him, I had everything. I lost everything because I chose him. Now he's leaving me, too.
He took everything back. He said he wouldn't take that job but there's no telling what happens. I say there IS. He can avoid that at all costs, if he wants this relationship. If he picks it, then I know where his priorities lie. That will be the final factor that will determine whether or not he still feels a thing for me.
He said that he would pick that job because it would give him more importance. And he will earn more money. The thing is, I don't believe the money part. He's been bragging about earning so much since he started working, and he's been broke for five years. The money argument won't work anymore. So, really, it's because he wanted that job. Here's mister hurry-the-fuck-over-here-so-I-can-wake-up-next-to-you-every-day, telling me to wait for 8,709 more years for him because he's all LOLJK HEY BRB GOTTA TAKE THIS AWESOME JOB STAY THERE, STAY. STAY. GOOD GIRL! BE STRONG FOR ME. KBYE
Moreover, he solidified his selfishness and inconsideration by saying he doesn't want to live a mediocre life and he doesn't want a "mediocre wife" who doesn't support him. He wants the perfect job and a perfect wife. The thing is, the job he's talking about isn't his dream. Of course I don't fucking support it. That wasn't the deal. It will hurt our relationship. Why would I be up for it? Why have the tables turned? He was the one who urged me to move in with him on our first and second years together. Now that I want that, he wants the opposite and wanted to pursue his career instead. He did everything to justify his decision. He said so many WRONG things, I hope he was sober. I don't want him to say it was the alcohol or stress or lack of sleep talking. If he was going to say hurtful things, he better not be fuzzy-brained.
I told him he can't always have everything he wanted. He said he could, because his career and his relationship are both under his control.
Wow. I really am just an object, right? A shadow?
Meaning, no matter what, he has to have a perfect career and relationship--so he'll do anything for these to happen. If he had to get a better girl, one who is a total lost puppy unlike me, he will. He'll get rid of me. Because pursuing the career you want is easy.
Mediocre VS Non-Mediocre
He said he wants to be the best in anything he does. (Really? Why aren't you being the best boyfriend to me? You've been treating me like SHIT!) He wasn't a black belt for nothing.
I told him, sorry, I don't share the same sentiment. This was the first time I admitted this, even to myself. My mother called my grades mediocre, and I would get shit from my parents for having average grades--in elementary school, high school, and college. I didn't aim for the top. I thought it was silly. I secretly fantasized about doing that--about being just like my mom and my cousins... honor students who excelled in sports, dancing, debating, writing, organizing, leading, singing, etc. It was the first time I really accepted that it was okay to be who I am. I didn't care about being the best. I just wanted the best. I didn't have to be it.
I thought about all the things I did--from playing the guitar to writing to creating art to singing to doing martial arts to keeping fit. I never completely committed to any of them. They were all very important to me, but I didn't feel the need to constantly improve myself in them. They were like flings. They were like booty calls to me. I knew photography was the one; I knew it was the career I'll eventually find myself marrying. But what? I'm stuck with my booty calls 'til then. I am not a pro in any of these, not even close. Mediocre. That's right. I just want to do what I want to do, be able to do it properly with no pressure to be perfect at it. Unlike him.
Reality
I remember my best friend telling me a couple of months ago that she almost broke up with her boyfriend.
Guess why?
She decided on some things on her own. She made plans for her future without his consideration. Without consulting him. I thought it was the strangest thing to get mad about. Why would he get mad? They weren't married.
I didn't get it 'til it happened to me.
Tomorrow, when I get home, I'll get myself shitfaced.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
When Miles* and I met, we were both idealistic teenagers. We knew the distance was a hindrance to our relationship, but we met halfway, no matter what, and did our best to make up for what kept us apart. We talked for hours and hours everyday; we talked as much as we can. We couldn't get enough of one another. Each year, we got to know each other better; each year, it got easier to get mad at each other. Despite that, we stayed together. We were probably so glued together that even when we wanted to stay apart, we couldn't. We were inevitable.
Dreams
We were from different industries, all right. We knew this early on. As we set out to pursue our own dreams, we made sure that it'll work out for us in the long run. We had a few years to climb that ladder (our dreams); and once we're there, we would get more liberty. We won't have any problems getting together, because we followed the right path--a path that was our own. It didn't matter that it will take me a few years, having jobs unrelated to what I really wanted to do. What mattered was that in the end, we still get to fulfill that. We supported each other. Of course, we promised each other to do our best not to let our dreams get between us--because we were part of those dreams.
We were in each other's minds every step of the way. We considered each other with every decision we made. We were far from perfect, but we still had our dreams in mind--and so we continue to pursue them. No matter what, we had to achieve what we wanted.
Ambition
I still want to be a Photographer. I think he still has the same dream he had five years ago. However, we both share the same current situation: we're stuck with jobs that we are good at, but don't have much to do with what we really want. First, we swore we would only let ourselves be separated for a couple of year. Additional years after that frustrated us. Him, actually. I was all right with it at first, considering that I needed more time working my way up. I actually wanted a promotion that would allow me to buy the equipment and pay for the training. As I started to like what I was doing for work, I kind of put my real dream aside from the time being.
Meanwhile, his difficult job that gave him no freedom to........ do anything he wished, was becoming a bigger threat to our relationship. With his temporary assignment abroad, and the very limited time for communication (barely an hour a week), and my distrust and paranoia, our already rusty relationship was literally about to fall apart.
I had been so frustrated with him recently. He was being selfish, rude, impatient, inconsiderate, oh, I could go on... and of course, his lack of effort to try to be nice was frustrating as well. You can leave him alone without any follow-up, and he will not be better. You can follow up, and he'll get mad at you for pointing out "negative things about" him that he claims to "know already", and... yes, you guessed it; still no improvement.
I need to fix myself, too. But knowing he is NOT doing anything to make himself better makes it hard for me to change. The only real problems about me? I am short with him, and I don't trust him enough. I identify the problem in our relationship and discuss it with him and come up with an action plan we both agreed would work. But whether or not I stop being a bitch, he still continues being an ass. Can you blame me 100% for blowing my top all the time? I needed to control myself--and he did, too. He doesn't hold back at all.
Realization hit me hard a couple of days ago when we fought. This isn't new--I knew at least a year ago that he was beginning to fall out of love. If that wasn't bad enough, I could tell he was starting to love me less and less. I think we're almost at the end of this relationship. He was ready to give me up. Whenever I think of leaving, he would stop me. He would get mad at me, even, because he thinks I'm just going to give up. But recently, when I bring up that possibility, he would agree to it. It was no issue to him.
In fact, before our last fight, he himself was trying to push me away. He was justifying his reason for a breakup--I didn't care anyway. He said that, at least three times. He then scared me, on purpose, by telling me he decided to take a job that will make things worse for us, that will keep us apart longer, make this relationship harsher and more painful. He was attacking me. He was trying to hurt me. He knew it would hurt me, so he said it. Later on, when I told him I was shocked he said that (he promised me, when he first started working, that he will take the safest job and one that was most convenient for our relationship so we wouldn't spend time apart so much) he probably lied to me about his job, he was quick to defend himself. "No, this is what I meant". He was quick to feign innocence. I misunderstood. I took it the wrong way. He didn't say it right. Yeah, you didn't just try to smash my head with words. Uh huh. Of course, my loving partner.
He told me he basically had no choice but to go with that job. After I pointed a shaking finger at him, and after he quickly held his hands up in innocence, he said it was the best choice among other options out there. So, there were options, then. The others just so happened to keep our relationship intact.... but he chose the one that would destroy us.
He decided it was the best choice for us (he was still covering his ass; if he weren't mad at me, he would've sobbingly informed me that none of the job options pleased him one bit because they all sacrificed something) for us (without informing me or considering my thoughts or feelings), and that all I have to do is "be stronger for him".
So, as the poor woman, the shadow of this man, I shall just quietly and meekly accept my fate--I will follow him wherever he goes, and take the pain like a champ. He shall decide for our future, and I shall have no say and just "be strong for him" so we can stay together. No, fucker. He was taking me for granted.
I gave so many things up for him--people, time, my health, my happiness. I sacrificed my career, friendships, a social life, good relationships with my relatives, money, without thinking twice--for him. Now he's just had enough of that. He's too sick of me (he used to say no matter what happens he'll love me and stay with me. He would tolerate the worst of my sins and I would do the same. Now it takes a single word to anger him and make him up and leave me... unfortunately I am not the same. At least not anymore.) now that he's finding ways to get away from me. This was probably how things ended with his last ex. He just wanted to get rid of her; but he couldn't even when she was crazy, because she was needy and he felt guilty. If guilt is the only thing keeping him around, God, help me, because I don't know what to do with myself.
This is going to sound pathetic, but he's all I really got left. He's the only genuine thing I can rely on. I would mention two others--my parents--but it would be selfish to do so. They're sick, and stressed, and have heavier crosses to bear that I just don't want to add to that weight. I don't have anything and I don't have anyone else. Before I met him, I had everything. I lost everything because I chose him. Now he's leaving me, too.
He took everything back. He said he wouldn't take that job but there's no telling what happens. I say there IS. He can avoid that at all costs, if he wants this relationship. If he picks it, then I know where his priorities lie. That will be the final factor that will determine whether or not he still feels a thing for me.
He said that he would pick that job because it would give him more importance. And he will earn more money. The thing is, I don't believe the money part. He's been bragging about earning so much since he started working, and he's been broke for five years. The money argument won't work anymore. So, really, it's because he wanted that job. Here's mister hurry-the-fuck-over-here-so-I-can-wake-up-next-to-you-every-day, telling me to wait for 8,709 more years for him because he's all LOLJK HEY BRB GOTTA TAKE THIS AWESOME JOB STAY THERE, STAY. STAY. GOOD GIRL! BE STRONG FOR ME. KBYE
Moreover, he solidified his selfishness and inconsideration by saying he doesn't want to live a mediocre life and he doesn't want a "mediocre wife" who doesn't support him. He wants the perfect job and a perfect wife. The thing is, the job he's talking about isn't his dream. Of course I don't fucking support it. That wasn't the deal. It will hurt our relationship. Why would I be up for it? Why have the tables turned? He was the one who urged me to move in with him on our first and second years together. Now that I want that, he wants the opposite and wanted to pursue his career instead. He did everything to justify his decision. He said so many WRONG things, I hope he was sober. I don't want him to say it was the alcohol or stress or lack of sleep talking. If he was going to say hurtful things, he better not be fuzzy-brained.
I told him he can't always have everything he wanted. He said he could, because his career and his relationship are both under his control.
Wow. I really am just an object, right? A shadow?
Meaning, no matter what, he has to have a perfect career and relationship--so he'll do anything for these to happen. If he had to get a better girl, one who is a total lost puppy unlike me, he will. He'll get rid of me. Because pursuing the career you want is easy.
Mediocre VS Non-Mediocre
He said he wants to be the best in anything he does. (Really? Why aren't you being the best boyfriend to me? You've been treating me like SHIT!) He wasn't a black belt for nothing.
I told him, sorry, I don't share the same sentiment. This was the first time I admitted this, even to myself. My mother called my grades mediocre, and I would get shit from my parents for having average grades--in elementary school, high school, and college. I didn't aim for the top. I thought it was silly. I secretly fantasized about doing that--about being just like my mom and my cousins... honor students who excelled in sports, dancing, debating, writing, organizing, leading, singing, etc. It was the first time I really accepted that it was okay to be who I am. I didn't care about being the best. I just wanted the best. I didn't have to be it.
I thought about all the things I did--from playing the guitar to writing to creating art to singing to doing martial arts to keeping fit. I never completely committed to any of them. They were all very important to me, but I didn't feel the need to constantly improve myself in them. They were like flings. They were like booty calls to me. I knew photography was the one; I knew it was the career I'll eventually find myself marrying. But what? I'm stuck with my booty calls 'til then. I am not a pro in any of these, not even close. Mediocre. That's right. I just want to do what I want to do, be able to do it properly with no pressure to be perfect at it. Unlike him.
Reality
I remember my best friend telling me a couple of months ago that she almost broke up with her boyfriend.
Guess why?
She decided on some things on her own. She made plans for her future without his consideration. Without consulting him. I thought it was the strangest thing to get mad about. Why would he get mad? They weren't married.
I didn't get it 'til it happened to me.
Tomorrow, when I get home, I'll get myself shitfaced.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
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