Since I left my job, I've gone back to a routine that's all too familiar and rather unwelcome: staying up late, waking up before noon (I've actually become better with my sleeping habits compared to when I was... much younger), not taking breakfast seriously/taking "Rockstar Breakfasts"** and of course, struggling with the jobhunt. True, the recent, almost month-long illness I recently dealt with ruined my momentum, but I can't help but be frustrated at the demons and angels constantly debating in my head--do I regret leaving my first job? Yes. No. Why do I? Why don't I? It was for the best. No, it wasn't. Do I regret leaving my second job without a replacement job after I seriously learned my lesson the first time? No. In fact, I had everybody's blessings! Including the goddamn company itself, no matter how much I wish I didn't (yet)! Wait, maybe I do? Maybe I should have just allowed assholes to humiliate me everyd--wait, no. I can't. Where did I go wrong? Did I even make a mistake?
And then, I look back, and realize I did nothing wrong. I couldn't stay. But something went wrong somewhere. However, I can't turn back time. I made decisions I regretted, but when I try to imagine taking the other available options for those situations, I can't help but accept that I picked the better choice.
The things I should've done, that could've made my resume look better, were so far back in the past; there's no helping it. I'm finding it strange that I am pissed at myself for things I have no control over. I've actually been making good career decisions since I started my second job... I am just angry that the circumstances made everything wrong even when they weren't supposed to be.
Look at me now. I sometimes have chips or candy for breakfast, then fall back asleep. I have lunch at 3 p.m., 4, even. I feel proud of myself when I have lunch at 2 or 1, and want to throw a party if I have it at noon. I feel accomplished when I eat a proper breakfast. I feel hopeful when I go to an interview and ace the easiest interview to ace--the first one, or any with an HR person. I feel depressed and make up excuses to treat myself to an expensive beverage, meal, or something nice by convincing myself that I deserve or need it. I play with the dogs every ow and then, they are a source of entertainment. I fight with Miles* often, making me question not the relationship, but the mental state of the people in it--are we okay? Is he, am I right in the head? Are we bipolar? Do we have anger issues? Are we short and hot because we are part of the highly pressured generation?
Just a few hours ago, my parents were giving me a glimpse of how things were in the past--people who married at 20 at a certain time were young. But, the generation before that married at 18, and that was okay. BUT! A generation before that married at 16 and that was the norm! Not too long ago, getting married in your mid-20's was pretty ideal. But a few years ago, when one of my cousins married at 27 or 28, my mom said they were too young. What the actual fuck?
Please excuse me while I silently consider my goal to marry at 24 and have a child a little after that.
Well, decisions change, and now that I'm close to my once marrying age goal, I don't think I'm up for it yet 'til I'm sure everything's set. But now most people are considering marrying in their 30's. I wonder if, 25 years from now, people will start considering marrying at an even later age. Is that how things work? Can we remember that our bodies deteriorate in time and stop letting money and success take over our lives and happiness?
Look at me now: I'm best friends with my laptop, smartphone and the internet. I'm constantly on social media websites and dreaming online. Reading manga, discovering music, watching series, catching up on movies and books and rest. I barely move. I'm too skinny yet I don't eat well and somehow, I'm starting to get some fat in some areas (?!).
To be honest, I think I kinda suck. Almost a year after grad (it was my fault, I was too lax) before I got my first job. Left, took another 7 months before I landed myself a new one. Left immediately and God please help me get a good, new one ASAP because...
Why? Think about it. Why do you want to work? Do you even want to? I questioned myself and even when the inquiry came from me, I was afraid to answer, silently. I had to do it step by step:
Do you want to work, Lilith?
Yes.
Why?
Um... because (another answer keeps fighting its way into my head, but I kept pushing the thought away) I want to buy things, pay for stuff and have a career.
But if you had an unlimited source of income, would you still consider getting yourself a job; employed, like you want to be?
No.
Why?
Because the truth is, some people really don't want to work. Maybe it's because most people do things they don't exactly love. People want to play, even when they're at work. That's why it's important to love what you do. They say if you do, you wouldn't consider it 'work'.
So then why do you say you 'want to work'?
I think it's because of societal pressure. It's the kind of pressure people around my age from this generation get. We're expected to graduate from college, take a master's degree, work at this age, be able to accomplish this much at this age, be able to do this at this age... or if we can't afford college then we have to find success in other ways like a business, or something similar. Expectations. They fucking suck.
Truth be told? Even if we lived on a little money, as long as we're not hungry, have shelter and all the basic needs, we'll be fine. Truth be told, most things around us that we consider important are just luxuries we don't need. Societal pressure. We're obsessed with success in different forms, whether real or made up, tangible or intangible.
Look at me. I am lonely. I am detached from things considered at important in life at this time: I don't have ANY real friends at the moment, I barely go out, I haven't traveled and done anything fun for the longest time, I am in a LDR, I talk to my dogs. Same sitch whether or not I am employed. It sucks, and I am sometimes frustrated with this kind of life. But deep inside, despite the yearnings, I'm still kind of happy! Holy shit. I have time. I know I can make up for this shit some time.
I was almost more sad than pissed when one asshole told me to "get a life, you need to go out more" when I was happy about something work-related that turned out good. I knew the fucker had a point and I did need to do many things more, but I had a life. Whatever I have right now is one. It's my life. Fuck off.
Maybe for the first two decades of my life I am meant to be a hermit. Maybe the next two or three I'll be a fucking world crawler. And more exposed to basically every type of person, place, event, activity and natural or synthetic creation than you'll ever be.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope my angels and demons entertained you tonight.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
**having the worst food options for breakfast; i.e. candy, soda, chips, chocolate, cake
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Friday, February 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Lilith: Lost and Found
I. Lost
I left my job last month. After being bulled by someone from the management, I decided it would be wrong if I stayed a minute longer.
I think I mentioned in a previous post that a certain UM person was the root of most resignations where I worked. It was really just bad management, in general, and I could understand why people from different departments decide to look for other companies that deserved them. At first, I thought, the longer I stayed, the tougher I'd get. The better I'd be. I thought that by staying, I was proving a point... I was succeeding... winning.
Then, this happened:
One day, after accomplishing a few tasks at the office, I packed my bags and was about to leave for one of the outlets I handled--my boss told me I could. On my way out, UM told me not to leave because he needed to speak with me. I already knew then I was in for some huge bullshit. Prior to that, he sent an e-mail to the "marketing team", using the BCC option to "make sure we're not embarrassed", and as usual, insulted us without really insulting us. He's taking something out on us because we were not able to do something he apparently wants us to do.
I was led into a room with UMP and someone with a high HR position. My boss didn't know this (I was later informed by my mother that my boss should be informed of everything that involved me, work-wise). I was interrogated, questioned for my skills and abilities, because what I've been accomplishing for the past few months was apparently not enough. It was the usual: what have you been doing, what have you accomplished, what are you doing now, what can you do, and what can you accomplish questions.
I was inwardly panicking at the time because I was caught off-guard. I tried to be more vocal, and I answered every question. I was mocked and insulted every time; I did not get to finish some of my statements, and each clear explanation I gave was ignored, because my input was not valued. They clearly did not understand some of my explanations and insisted I was wrong, and they are right, therefore I had to be demoted.
All that, only because I have not acquired a sponsorship for an ongoing project that he has. First off, he never informed me that he needed a hand... from me. Second, my boss never told me I needed to do so. Third, I've been launching new brands ever since I started, which is top priority--so side projects like that will be accomplished alongside my main priorities UPON THE INSTRUCTION of a superior.
I knew all that.
However, at the time, I missed the fact that sponsorships were a a very minor deliverable in my contract. It was a by-the-way. It was a just-in-case. It was a could, not a should.
He told me I was not good, that I was not bringing anything to the table, that I have to contribute something to the company... which I was. I later on reviewed my job description and I was able to perform everything that was expected of me. And I performed very well! Even my boss approved of me.
I knew a few weeks before that that the company was cutting down on employees. They can easily let people go or stop hiring. They did not need to harass people and constantly insult them to force them to resign. I knew this was his purpose--besides being a bored lunatic who wants to stir things up all the time. He's the demon king who rules over the unwilling planet earth, who tortures and kills humans for a living... for the hell of it.
What happened was a lot worse than what I'm describing here. The closed door meeting lasted for about an hour, with me trying to calmly and politely explain and defend myself and him pursing his lips in anger exactly because I was. What he wants me to be is scared, quiet, shaking and stuttering. The HR person did NOT help me. Nobody from HR EVER really helped those who needed them. The good people. They were pro-management. In fact, the HR person helped UM insult me and put me down.
He put me under another department that reported directly to him, without informing my boss. Again. He had done this about 10 times since I started. My boss was furious but could not do anything about it.
I had a family emergency the next day and had to take the day off. I informed UM too but he did not believe me. He said I should show proof that I was not procrastinating. I was livid--my emergency involved my NUCLEAR RELATIVES and he didn't give a shit; he just did not believe it. I was going to put up with the crap he did the previous day--insulting me, badgering me, changing my position and my boss and pretty much everything else. But after that... I knew I had enough. The next day was a weekend, so I fixed all my turnover files, wrote letters of resignation and printed out every proof that I was pushed to leave for a good reason. I made sure I covered my ass. I handed in my resignation letter the very next week. It wasn't accepted at first, but I left them no choice. I gave them the reason and there was nothing else for them to do except take it.
I feel so bad for leaving because I was learning relevant IMC skills. My boss was seasoned, and the brands I handled had great potential. I was only starting out. Now I'm looking for a new job again, but I'm not so sure how to explain myself to potential employers. I find it so hard to. Friends keep insisting I just tell them I freelanced... I can't. My experience was relevant. I still want to have the same job... just somewhere else. Just with other people... younger people, preferably.
II. Found
If you know me well, you know that I'm not just good at looking people up online--you know I find it thrilling. I am obsessed with it, if I really wanted to know more about the person. A few pieces of information can yield a thousand if they're in the right hands (mine!). Sometimes, I just can't stop until I get enough information--the search can go for as long as days... or years.
Yesterday, I gave myself a congratulatory pat on the shoulder for another job well done in this endeavor. After almost a decade of trying to find new, relevant information about *Bruce. Up until a year ago, everything I found about him was passe. They were the same things I found years ago, after we lost contact. Anything else was useless; dead ends.
I didn't stop. What seemed like a dead end a year ago had a secret passageway--there was a door I didn't see. One discovery led to another and... I found him.
I found out he didn't give me his full name--just the first two. Using those, I found at least five or six of his accounts. I can easily contact him now, but I am hesitant.
Why?
He was my first boyfriend. I'm not sure, but I think I was his first girlfriend as well. We were good friends before we took things to the next level. However, because of his immaturity and egocentrism and self-absorption, I left him. I wish I didn't have to, but even at age 15 I knew I couldn't put up with it. I sent him a note then disappeared.
I remember looking him up shortly after that. He never showed himself again. I saw a couple of his blogs and he never wrote about having any relationship. The slightest hint of that went along the lines of "I'm happy my friend won the girl over, as for me, I never really cared about love, nor do I care about it right now. We'll see if that changes at all."
I want closure. That's why I tried reaching out to two other guys I've had a thing with in the past, and lost touch with. I was mighty scared at first, because the reason those guys and I stopped talking was because things didn't work out. Either I hurt them, or they hurt me. I expected to be attacked once I introduced myself, but so far, so good, even with the nastiest parting I've ever had. To be honest, I am still searching for one last person, but things didn't end bad with that one, so I don't care as much. But Bruce? We definitely need closure.
Whether that girl he's with in that one picture is his girlfriend or not.
Whether Miles* and I are working out or not.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm so concerned about Bruce, when I am currently in need of a new job.
-Sighs.-
Dear Hotaru,
Nagisa finally found you. Nagisa will always find you. She's back to say she's sorry.
And "Let's continue our journey."
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
I left my job last month. After being bulled by someone from the management, I decided it would be wrong if I stayed a minute longer.
I think I mentioned in a previous post that a certain UM person was the root of most resignations where I worked. It was really just bad management, in general, and I could understand why people from different departments decide to look for other companies that deserved them. At first, I thought, the longer I stayed, the tougher I'd get. The better I'd be. I thought that by staying, I was proving a point... I was succeeding... winning.
Then, this happened:
One day, after accomplishing a few tasks at the office, I packed my bags and was about to leave for one of the outlets I handled--my boss told me I could. On my way out, UM told me not to leave because he needed to speak with me. I already knew then I was in for some huge bullshit. Prior to that, he sent an e-mail to the "marketing team", using the BCC option to "make sure we're not embarrassed", and as usual, insulted us without really insulting us. He's taking something out on us because we were not able to do something he apparently wants us to do.
I was led into a room with UMP and someone with a high HR position. My boss didn't know this (I was later informed by my mother that my boss should be informed of everything that involved me, work-wise). I was interrogated, questioned for my skills and abilities, because what I've been accomplishing for the past few months was apparently not enough. It was the usual: what have you been doing, what have you accomplished, what are you doing now, what can you do, and what can you accomplish questions.
I was inwardly panicking at the time because I was caught off-guard. I tried to be more vocal, and I answered every question. I was mocked and insulted every time; I did not get to finish some of my statements, and each clear explanation I gave was ignored, because my input was not valued. They clearly did not understand some of my explanations and insisted I was wrong, and they are right, therefore I had to be demoted.
All that, only because I have not acquired a sponsorship for an ongoing project that he has. First off, he never informed me that he needed a hand... from me. Second, my boss never told me I needed to do so. Third, I've been launching new brands ever since I started, which is top priority--so side projects like that will be accomplished alongside my main priorities UPON THE INSTRUCTION of a superior.
I knew all that.
However, at the time, I missed the fact that sponsorships were a a very minor deliverable in my contract. It was a by-the-way. It was a just-in-case. It was a could, not a should.
He told me I was not good, that I was not bringing anything to the table, that I have to contribute something to the company... which I was. I later on reviewed my job description and I was able to perform everything that was expected of me. And I performed very well! Even my boss approved of me.
I knew a few weeks before that that the company was cutting down on employees. They can easily let people go or stop hiring. They did not need to harass people and constantly insult them to force them to resign. I knew this was his purpose--besides being a bored lunatic who wants to stir things up all the time. He's the demon king who rules over the unwilling planet earth, who tortures and kills humans for a living... for the hell of it.
What happened was a lot worse than what I'm describing here. The closed door meeting lasted for about an hour, with me trying to calmly and politely explain and defend myself and him pursing his lips in anger exactly because I was. What he wants me to be is scared, quiet, shaking and stuttering. The HR person did NOT help me. Nobody from HR EVER really helped those who needed them. The good people. They were pro-management. In fact, the HR person helped UM insult me and put me down.
He put me under another department that reported directly to him, without informing my boss. Again. He had done this about 10 times since I started. My boss was furious but could not do anything about it.
I had a family emergency the next day and had to take the day off. I informed UM too but he did not believe me. He said I should show proof that I was not procrastinating. I was livid--my emergency involved my NUCLEAR RELATIVES and he didn't give a shit; he just did not believe it. I was going to put up with the crap he did the previous day--insulting me, badgering me, changing my position and my boss and pretty much everything else. But after that... I knew I had enough. The next day was a weekend, so I fixed all my turnover files, wrote letters of resignation and printed out every proof that I was pushed to leave for a good reason. I made sure I covered my ass. I handed in my resignation letter the very next week. It wasn't accepted at first, but I left them no choice. I gave them the reason and there was nothing else for them to do except take it.
I feel so bad for leaving because I was learning relevant IMC skills. My boss was seasoned, and the brands I handled had great potential. I was only starting out. Now I'm looking for a new job again, but I'm not so sure how to explain myself to potential employers. I find it so hard to. Friends keep insisting I just tell them I freelanced... I can't. My experience was relevant. I still want to have the same job... just somewhere else. Just with other people... younger people, preferably.
II. Found
If you know me well, you know that I'm not just good at looking people up online--you know I find it thrilling. I am obsessed with it, if I really wanted to know more about the person. A few pieces of information can yield a thousand if they're in the right hands (mine!). Sometimes, I just can't stop until I get enough information--the search can go for as long as days... or years.
Yesterday, I gave myself a congratulatory pat on the shoulder for another job well done in this endeavor. After almost a decade of trying to find new, relevant information about *Bruce. Up until a year ago, everything I found about him was passe. They were the same things I found years ago, after we lost contact. Anything else was useless; dead ends.
I didn't stop. What seemed like a dead end a year ago had a secret passageway--there was a door I didn't see. One discovery led to another and... I found him.
I found out he didn't give me his full name--just the first two. Using those, I found at least five or six of his accounts. I can easily contact him now, but I am hesitant.
Why?
He was my first boyfriend. I'm not sure, but I think I was his first girlfriend as well. We were good friends before we took things to the next level. However, because of his immaturity and egocentrism and self-absorption, I left him. I wish I didn't have to, but even at age 15 I knew I couldn't put up with it. I sent him a note then disappeared.
I remember looking him up shortly after that. He never showed himself again. I saw a couple of his blogs and he never wrote about having any relationship. The slightest hint of that went along the lines of "I'm happy my friend won the girl over, as for me, I never really cared about love, nor do I care about it right now. We'll see if that changes at all."
I want closure. That's why I tried reaching out to two other guys I've had a thing with in the past, and lost touch with. I was mighty scared at first, because the reason those guys and I stopped talking was because things didn't work out. Either I hurt them, or they hurt me. I expected to be attacked once I introduced myself, but so far, so good, even with the nastiest parting I've ever had. To be honest, I am still searching for one last person, but things didn't end bad with that one, so I don't care as much. But Bruce? We definitely need closure.
Whether that girl he's with in that one picture is his girlfriend or not.
Whether Miles* and I are working out or not.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm so concerned about Bruce, when I am currently in need of a new job.
-Sighs.-
Dear Hotaru,
Nagisa finally found you. Nagisa will always find you. She's back to say she's sorry.
And "Let's continue our journey."
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Lilith: the love mess, the work complication and the murky future
The future is either blurry or clear. When it's clear, it's fucking crystal. When it's blurry... fuck, it isn't. I'm fucking blind and can't see a thing.
Congratulations to me. I will have my three-month anniversary at work this month. I made it (?!). Heh. Here's the thing: three of my friends, who are from the same department, already left. One was asked to resign, the other two left. Two of them are my teammates... two of them have the same position as mine. In other words, besides the fact that I am the only one working under my boss, I'm the only junior professional in the department.
The set-up at work has been shifty. The original agreement was that I report to my boss, along with two marketing peers--we handle different properties of the company. We report to our respective outlets in order to monitor operations and to constantly find opportunities for marketing activities; as well as build relationships with people relevant to the outlet. Upper Management decided to call everyone back into the main office and make everybody report there, and not the outlets. It seems they don't feel like we are accomplishing anything outside of the office (false, we accomplish a lot when we are at our outlets).
About a week later, UM gathered all the marketing people and those from other relevant departments into one group and gave the integrated team a name. We lost our bosses; we now attend to requests from any boss and we don't handle just one property. Around... another week later, we gained our bosses back! But... we still have special projects when any other boss requests for it and it has been assigned to us.
After my friends left (with a bang!), some of us from the "new team" (plus another department) were gathered for a meeting with someone from UM. We talked about the problematic outlets and were instructed to pick one, as we will be reporting there from now on--to improve sales, customer count, average checks, etc. We are to stay in that outlet until everything gets better. We are to come up with marketing ideas and to monitor operations, sales, etc. etc., to make sure that the restaurants/stores would stop losing.
(The main office is way up north. The outlet I'm originally assigned to is in the middle of Metro Manila. I love down south... and the new outlet I've been assigned to is way, way down south.
It's been declared that the "new team" will be having meetings twice a week--this'll be held at the main office. That means I'll have to report up north for the meeting, and leave for the south afterwards. Take note: I don't have a car. I take trains and buses and shit. It's basically a 2-hour travel time, considering the terrible traffic all over Manila.
It baffles me that in first world countries, you can travel for miles, from city to city and it'll only take your two hours. Metro Manila shouldn't be that big... but it can take you up to 5 hours traveling around if traffic is really fucked up. That's how shitty it is here. Holy shit.
My bags are packed. I just need money to get out of here... seriously.
Anyway.) As usual, the UM person did not believe in my abilities and did not hold back in showing it. The UMP has been up a lot of people's asses for reasons we wish we'd understand... and apparently is the reason for the quick turnovers in the company. If I did not like my own boss I would've already found myself a new job a month ago and left. However, I started looking yesterday... nothing good in the market, really, but I'm going to actively look now while I still have some spare time (and offset hours to use).
I am not having a very hard time coming up with ideas--there are a number of them, but I'm not sure they're feasible. Thank God, honestly, that there haven't been any meetings this week yet. Apparently, the ideas have to be presented as a proposal with a supporting budget. I've been asking for help from... well... "relevant" people and they give me short answers that help, but not much. I can't keep guessing; if I fuck up everything will backfire.
I wish my boss would get a better job offer somewhere else... and that her partner would also get a nice job somewhere else... so I'll feel free to go anytime. I used to be able to explain why I can't leave my boss (I have a great boss--intelligent, talented, nurturing, protective, considerate, supportive... and I am greatly needed after my teammates left), but now, I really don't know. It feels like I'm staying because I want to be a good support system--and that is fine because I don't feel like I'm being used.
I did warn my boss, though, that if my pride gets pissed on (because it's been trampled upon tons of times by that UM person. But hey, I'm still here because I'm tough [I think? Or I just need the job and can't leave!] and I don't want to leave my Commander-in-chief.
I didn't see all this coming.
Miles* and I have found a way to fix ourselves; and because of our work/life conditions we decided to get married as soon as possible to make things easier for us. It was actually my idea, because the distance and the stress makes everything unbearable. I believed that living under one roof would be beneficial to both of us because I believed that having each other would help. I believed the distance did make us colder, and that if we closed that distance, things would get better.
How many times did I ask to break up with him in the past couple of months, and actually meant it?
Whoops, did I really mean it, because why do we still talk every now and then, and why do we start acting like nothing happened after every fight, after every "I-am-so-done-with-this"?
I think I've reached the end of the line, and have been lingering because I couldn't accept it yet. I think we've been over for a while and I refuse to realize it.
I've lost every member of my support group. Mom and dad aren't counted, because I can't really bother them for that... they are permanently my first and last line of defense, but they just have too much on their plate. Holy fuck, I'm about to cry again, and for a strange reason this time: I can't take all this right now. I really need to curl up and disappear.
He promises not to yell, not to be impatient, to be respectful, to avoid being rude and mean, and breaks those same promises within the same hour. He promises to do something and only does it for a week, then forgets about it. I have to explain why I am short and snappy every single time I am, even when I've explained why a thousand times (too much stress). He does not try to take it easy on me or understand me.
He will say the same damn things, but I can assure you my actions are justified... and most of his aren't--he is rude to me only because he hates me. He doesn't want to be understanding, he doesn't care about supporting, comforting, and showing he cares for me, especially publicly. I tell him everything I need because it's easier, than expecting him to know everything...... and he doesn't give them to me. He refuses to, he gives excuses and always has reasons, he forgets.
He is not romantic or sweet anymore. I asked for that, because I can be like that if only he can promise to be good to me. Nope. Never mind.
He doesn't exert extra effort for me anymore. No, Miles, staying up isn't extra effort. It's routine. We both do that.
Extra effort is doing something out of the ordinary every now and then. NOT RARELY. It's how you keep a relationship alive.
But no. Never mind.
God, give me the strength to move on from this if it really isn't meant to be. Give me the opportunity to grab so I can move forward and up in life.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Congratulations to me. I will have my three-month anniversary at work this month. I made it (?!). Heh. Here's the thing: three of my friends, who are from the same department, already left. One was asked to resign, the other two left. Two of them are my teammates... two of them have the same position as mine. In other words, besides the fact that I am the only one working under my boss, I'm the only junior professional in the department.
The set-up at work has been shifty. The original agreement was that I report to my boss, along with two marketing peers--we handle different properties of the company. We report to our respective outlets in order to monitor operations and to constantly find opportunities for marketing activities; as well as build relationships with people relevant to the outlet. Upper Management decided to call everyone back into the main office and make everybody report there, and not the outlets. It seems they don't feel like we are accomplishing anything outside of the office (false, we accomplish a lot when we are at our outlets).
About a week later, UM gathered all the marketing people and those from other relevant departments into one group and gave the integrated team a name. We lost our bosses; we now attend to requests from any boss and we don't handle just one property. Around... another week later, we gained our bosses back! But... we still have special projects when any other boss requests for it and it has been assigned to us.
After my friends left (with a bang!), some of us from the "new team" (plus another department) were gathered for a meeting with someone from UM. We talked about the problematic outlets and were instructed to pick one, as we will be reporting there from now on--to improve sales, customer count, average checks, etc. We are to stay in that outlet until everything gets better. We are to come up with marketing ideas and to monitor operations, sales, etc. etc., to make sure that the restaurants/stores would stop losing.
(The main office is way up north. The outlet I'm originally assigned to is in the middle of Metro Manila. I love down south... and the new outlet I've been assigned to is way, way down south.
It's been declared that the "new team" will be having meetings twice a week--this'll be held at the main office. That means I'll have to report up north for the meeting, and leave for the south afterwards. Take note: I don't have a car. I take trains and buses and shit. It's basically a 2-hour travel time, considering the terrible traffic all over Manila.
It baffles me that in first world countries, you can travel for miles, from city to city and it'll only take your two hours. Metro Manila shouldn't be that big... but it can take you up to 5 hours traveling around if traffic is really fucked up. That's how shitty it is here. Holy shit.
My bags are packed. I just need money to get out of here... seriously.
Anyway.) As usual, the UM person did not believe in my abilities and did not hold back in showing it. The UMP has been up a lot of people's asses for reasons we wish we'd understand... and apparently is the reason for the quick turnovers in the company. If I did not like my own boss I would've already found myself a new job a month ago and left. However, I started looking yesterday... nothing good in the market, really, but I'm going to actively look now while I still have some spare time (and offset hours to use).
I am not having a very hard time coming up with ideas--there are a number of them, but I'm not sure they're feasible. Thank God, honestly, that there haven't been any meetings this week yet. Apparently, the ideas have to be presented as a proposal with a supporting budget. I've been asking for help from... well... "relevant" people and they give me short answers that help, but not much. I can't keep guessing; if I fuck up everything will backfire.
I wish my boss would get a better job offer somewhere else... and that her partner would also get a nice job somewhere else... so I'll feel free to go anytime. I used to be able to explain why I can't leave my boss (I have a great boss--intelligent, talented, nurturing, protective, considerate, supportive... and I am greatly needed after my teammates left), but now, I really don't know. It feels like I'm staying because I want to be a good support system--and that is fine because I don't feel like I'm being used.
I did warn my boss, though, that if my pride gets pissed on (because it's been trampled upon tons of times by that UM person. But hey, I'm still here because I'm tough [I think? Or I just need the job and can't leave!] and I don't want to leave my Commander-in-chief.
I didn't see all this coming.
Miles* and I have found a way to fix ourselves; and because of our work/life conditions we decided to get married as soon as possible to make things easier for us. It was actually my idea, because the distance and the stress makes everything unbearable. I believed that living under one roof would be beneficial to both of us because I believed that having each other would help. I believed the distance did make us colder, and that if we closed that distance, things would get better.
How many times did I ask to break up with him in the past couple of months, and actually meant it?
Whoops, did I really mean it, because why do we still talk every now and then, and why do we start acting like nothing happened after every fight, after every "I-am-so-done-with-this"?
I think I've reached the end of the line, and have been lingering because I couldn't accept it yet. I think we've been over for a while and I refuse to realize it.
I've lost every member of my support group. Mom and dad aren't counted, because I can't really bother them for that... they are permanently my first and last line of defense, but they just have too much on their plate. Holy fuck, I'm about to cry again, and for a strange reason this time: I can't take all this right now. I really need to curl up and disappear.
He promises not to yell, not to be impatient, to be respectful, to avoid being rude and mean, and breaks those same promises within the same hour. He promises to do something and only does it for a week, then forgets about it. I have to explain why I am short and snappy every single time I am, even when I've explained why a thousand times (too much stress). He does not try to take it easy on me or understand me.
He will say the same damn things, but I can assure you my actions are justified... and most of his aren't--he is rude to me only because he hates me. He doesn't want to be understanding, he doesn't care about supporting, comforting, and showing he cares for me, especially publicly. I tell him everything I need because it's easier, than expecting him to know everything...... and he doesn't give them to me. He refuses to, he gives excuses and always has reasons, he forgets.
He is not romantic or sweet anymore. I asked for that, because I can be like that if only he can promise to be good to me. Nope. Never mind.
He doesn't exert extra effort for me anymore. No, Miles, staying up isn't extra effort. It's routine. We both do that.
Extra effort is doing something out of the ordinary every now and then. NOT RARELY. It's how you keep a relationship alive.
But no. Never mind.
God, give me the strength to move on from this if it really isn't meant to be. Give me the opportunity to grab so I can move forward and up in life.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Lilith: Finally--hello employment, goodbye relationship
I am fighting tears (never mind, they're POURING now) as I am writing this right now. I am so conflicted about everything happening in my life that I just don't know where to start--literally. I don't know where to start financially, socially, career-wise, health-wise and relationship-wise. I've never felt this broken in a long time.
After turning down a high offer from a company that I judged based on their reputation, corporate structure and culture, I couldn't help but accept the painfully low offer from the company I chose (very low basic pay--exactly the same amount as my previous job's, but with an additional allowance--so it's only slightly higher) because of the quality of the work experience and the company's high reputation.
I was heartbroken, to be honest, because that means I cannot afford a dorm that's just around the office. I have to settle for very long commutes, despite how bad and unpredictable the weather is here (not to mention the prevalence of crime, and the terrible traffic situation). I can't save up for the things I badly need for my future endeavors (a good laptop and a professional camera, lenses, etc.) and I don't really make enough to do something to improve my lifestyle. I can only count on the 'raise' they'll be giving me once I become a regular employee (it can only get so high, right?) and I'm not even sure if my pay will improve after my probationary period.
I'm only clinging on to the encouraging words a few friends and family have given me. They know my situation and they tell me that I'm doing the right thing, and that everything is okay. But other than that, I'm still pretty broken.
I'm so stressed about the life-changing events all happening seemingly at the same time in my life. I'm entering a slightly different sub-field of my college major and I am desperate to perform well at work. I am also paranoid about dealing with people and handling a possibly heavy workload given all the other baggage that taking this job came with. Aside from that, my weight and health have deteriorated slightly over the past weeks. I'm starting work tomorrow (not even a week's notice!) and I'm coming down with a bad cold.
It doesn't end there. I am seriously considering ending my long-term relationship with Miles*. He is becoming worse and worse everyday, more and more careless and hateful towards me. I don't think we see eye-to-eye about most things anymore. I am constantly shocked to discover that his views about some things have become the complete opposite of what they originally were. Apparently, we used to agree about many things before--now that we're older and see the world differently, our opinions have probably changed. This time, though, we're a little upset about each other's views.
I think I've struggled and fought so hard to stay, told myself that maybe this is just another test because we're hitting the six-year mark by the beginning of next year. He has become lax and lazy, so I have become angry, so he has become vengeful, so I have become vengeful, so he has become hateful, so I have become hateful, so he has become worse, so I have grown tired of him, so he has grown tired of me. We've basically given up on each other and are only feeding on the good days and the nice things we can get out of each other. We live on that, but there's just too little of it to survive in the relationship. He still wants to work things out (meaning, he wants me to be okay with all the offensive things he does and allow him to take me for granted) but breaking up sounds more tempting to me. He will only pull me down--his existence has done that to me for years, and because he's not the kind, understanding, gentle and eager-to-please guy he was when I first met him, I don't see why I should keep stretching this out. I should just cut it.
People will always say it's the distance or the difference in culture. But unless you are in a 90% similar relationship, I can't really agree with you. People will never understand what it's like. He and I don't like the distance, but we managed because we wanted to be together. He blames the distance, too, for all the bad stuff that happens between us, but I don't have the same sentiments. We couldn't do anything about it, so we'll just have to deal with it--thus, our situation requires a different kind of effort to show our dedication. I have it, but he doesn't. His priorities are always self-centered, and I'm never on top of his list. It's fine to put other things before me sometimes, but he ALWAYS chooses to put other things before me, expecting me to be okay with it. If they were absolutely important--you know, work or family or health-related, for example, that's fine. But if it's something completely shallow, something you don't have to do right away, and you put it before a person you claim to be the love of your life when they specifically asked you to be there for them because they need you.... well... you don't know your priorities.
If you cannot handle being in a relationship, don't be. If you're too busy with work half of the time and being a carefree child the other half of the time, DO NOT LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND. You are not only wasting their time, effort and money, you are also giving them heartache. It's extra stress that a person does not need in this fast-paced world. Do not, at all costs, pretend to invest yourself in a girlfriend or boyfriend if you are DETACHED--unless that's what you both want--to be detached.
All he cares about now is his own happiness, and apparently, I appear to be the same way. We've gone from selfless to completely selfish. The only good thing about this relationship is the fact that we don't cheat on each other. But hey, is that really enough to stay in a relationship?
I don't even want to think about being in a relationship right now. I don't want that at all. I just want to be healthy, to have the career I want, to travel, see the world and share good moments with the people I love. A relationship doesn't sound or look attractive to me right now. I'm about ready to gag on every disgustingly sappy couple I encounter in real life and online. Love, a relationship and all the bullshit that come with it just sounds like a big hassle to me. It feels like work. Let's face it, most people don't like the idea of work.
I think one of the reasons I was pissed about turning down a great offer (and finding out the job offer I picked was much lower) was mainly because of Miles. If, when he visits me, I'll have to spend a lot of money on the accommodations, travel, food, etc. If I don't have him, I wouldn't have to worry about my low income anymore. I can just worry about my own future.
The Lilith from yesterday would be surprised at how much courage the Lilith right now has. She will be shocked at how decided I am about ending this dysfunctional relationship.
Sorry, Old Lilith, but your boyfriend just doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. You've tried asking nicely, demanding, crying, shouting, threatening, begging.... basically everything, and he just doesn't budge anymore. Apparently, so do you. Maybe you've started to outgrow each other.
He just bullshits too much, always says one thing but does another thing. Always promises to be there for you but is never there. Always promises to respect you but always insults you. Always promises to be dedicated but you end up doing everything, even the things he's supposed to do. You don't deserve it. You don't need a relationship to be happy--all you need is a good life. You can worry about a partner later on.
To be honest, I'm thinking way far ahead--as in, if we break up, and I still don't want a relationship two years from now, but I'm financially stable and I want a kid, I'll just get an AI. I don't need to get married to have a kid.
I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I don't seem to be scared to lose him. I wonder if I am even confident enough for that. All I know right now is I don't need the extra baggage because I have many other important things to consider in my life.
I gave him another ultimatum--if he wants me to be with him, he should go back to being the guy I met moving forward. Only then will I trust that our relationship will get better--why? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the only reason I'm an asshole is because he's an asshole. Neither one of us wants to step down. We used to, before, but things are different now. I'm willing to, but he never is--and I can't accept that. It's unjust and unfair.
If he can't promise me he'll be mister nice guy, I can't promise him I'll be a good partner... because I promise you, I've tried being the first to step down all the time. I've done everything he asked me to do and he still treats me like shit. He can still take me or leave me and I should just be okay with that.
Anyway, maybe we should toast to the future and drink to the past.
Or something. We'll see how this progresses within the week.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
After turning down a high offer from a company that I judged based on their reputation, corporate structure and culture, I couldn't help but accept the painfully low offer from the company I chose (very low basic pay--exactly the same amount as my previous job's, but with an additional allowance--so it's only slightly higher) because of the quality of the work experience and the company's high reputation.
I was heartbroken, to be honest, because that means I cannot afford a dorm that's just around the office. I have to settle for very long commutes, despite how bad and unpredictable the weather is here (not to mention the prevalence of crime, and the terrible traffic situation). I can't save up for the things I badly need for my future endeavors (a good laptop and a professional camera, lenses, etc.) and I don't really make enough to do something to improve my lifestyle. I can only count on the 'raise' they'll be giving me once I become a regular employee (it can only get so high, right?) and I'm not even sure if my pay will improve after my probationary period.
I'm only clinging on to the encouraging words a few friends and family have given me. They know my situation and they tell me that I'm doing the right thing, and that everything is okay. But other than that, I'm still pretty broken.
I'm so stressed about the life-changing events all happening seemingly at the same time in my life. I'm entering a slightly different sub-field of my college major and I am desperate to perform well at work. I am also paranoid about dealing with people and handling a possibly heavy workload given all the other baggage that taking this job came with. Aside from that, my weight and health have deteriorated slightly over the past weeks. I'm starting work tomorrow (not even a week's notice!) and I'm coming down with a bad cold.
It doesn't end there. I am seriously considering ending my long-term relationship with Miles*. He is becoming worse and worse everyday, more and more careless and hateful towards me. I don't think we see eye-to-eye about most things anymore. I am constantly shocked to discover that his views about some things have become the complete opposite of what they originally were. Apparently, we used to agree about many things before--now that we're older and see the world differently, our opinions have probably changed. This time, though, we're a little upset about each other's views.
I think I've struggled and fought so hard to stay, told myself that maybe this is just another test because we're hitting the six-year mark by the beginning of next year. He has become lax and lazy, so I have become angry, so he has become vengeful, so I have become vengeful, so he has become hateful, so I have become hateful, so he has become worse, so I have grown tired of him, so he has grown tired of me. We've basically given up on each other and are only feeding on the good days and the nice things we can get out of each other. We live on that, but there's just too little of it to survive in the relationship. He still wants to work things out (meaning, he wants me to be okay with all the offensive things he does and allow him to take me for granted) but breaking up sounds more tempting to me. He will only pull me down--his existence has done that to me for years, and because he's not the kind, understanding, gentle and eager-to-please guy he was when I first met him, I don't see why I should keep stretching this out. I should just cut it.
People will always say it's the distance or the difference in culture. But unless you are in a 90% similar relationship, I can't really agree with you. People will never understand what it's like. He and I don't like the distance, but we managed because we wanted to be together. He blames the distance, too, for all the bad stuff that happens between us, but I don't have the same sentiments. We couldn't do anything about it, so we'll just have to deal with it--thus, our situation requires a different kind of effort to show our dedication. I have it, but he doesn't. His priorities are always self-centered, and I'm never on top of his list. It's fine to put other things before me sometimes, but he ALWAYS chooses to put other things before me, expecting me to be okay with it. If they were absolutely important--you know, work or family or health-related, for example, that's fine. But if it's something completely shallow, something you don't have to do right away, and you put it before a person you claim to be the love of your life when they specifically asked you to be there for them because they need you.... well... you don't know your priorities.
If you cannot handle being in a relationship, don't be. If you're too busy with work half of the time and being a carefree child the other half of the time, DO NOT LOOK FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND. You are not only wasting their time, effort and money, you are also giving them heartache. It's extra stress that a person does not need in this fast-paced world. Do not, at all costs, pretend to invest yourself in a girlfriend or boyfriend if you are DETACHED--unless that's what you both want--to be detached.
All he cares about now is his own happiness, and apparently, I appear to be the same way. We've gone from selfless to completely selfish. The only good thing about this relationship is the fact that we don't cheat on each other. But hey, is that really enough to stay in a relationship?
I don't even want to think about being in a relationship right now. I don't want that at all. I just want to be healthy, to have the career I want, to travel, see the world and share good moments with the people I love. A relationship doesn't sound or look attractive to me right now. I'm about ready to gag on every disgustingly sappy couple I encounter in real life and online. Love, a relationship and all the bullshit that come with it just sounds like a big hassle to me. It feels like work. Let's face it, most people don't like the idea of work.
I think one of the reasons I was pissed about turning down a great offer (and finding out the job offer I picked was much lower) was mainly because of Miles. If, when he visits me, I'll have to spend a lot of money on the accommodations, travel, food, etc. If I don't have him, I wouldn't have to worry about my low income anymore. I can just worry about my own future.
The Lilith from yesterday would be surprised at how much courage the Lilith right now has. She will be shocked at how decided I am about ending this dysfunctional relationship.
Sorry, Old Lilith, but your boyfriend just doesn't give a crap about your feelings anymore. You've tried asking nicely, demanding, crying, shouting, threatening, begging.... basically everything, and he just doesn't budge anymore. Apparently, so do you. Maybe you've started to outgrow each other.
He just bullshits too much, always says one thing but does another thing. Always promises to be there for you but is never there. Always promises to respect you but always insults you. Always promises to be dedicated but you end up doing everything, even the things he's supposed to do. You don't deserve it. You don't need a relationship to be happy--all you need is a good life. You can worry about a partner later on.
To be honest, I'm thinking way far ahead--as in, if we break up, and I still don't want a relationship two years from now, but I'm financially stable and I want a kid, I'll just get an AI. I don't need to get married to have a kid.
I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I don't seem to be scared to lose him. I wonder if I am even confident enough for that. All I know right now is I don't need the extra baggage because I have many other important things to consider in my life.
I gave him another ultimatum--if he wants me to be with him, he should go back to being the guy I met moving forward. Only then will I trust that our relationship will get better--why? Well, ladies and gentlemen, the only reason I'm an asshole is because he's an asshole. Neither one of us wants to step down. We used to, before, but things are different now. I'm willing to, but he never is--and I can't accept that. It's unjust and unfair.
If he can't promise me he'll be mister nice guy, I can't promise him I'll be a good partner... because I promise you, I've tried being the first to step down all the time. I've done everything he asked me to do and he still treats me like shit. He can still take me or leave me and I should just be okay with that.
Anyway, maybe we should toast to the future and drink to the past.
Or something. We'll see how this progresses within the week.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Monday, September 9, 2013
Lilith: The coin is suspended in the air
Ah, finally. After weeks, I have an update on my gloomy life! Where do I start?
After around a hundred applications and less than 30 interviews, Lady Luck decided to be my gal one fateful Friday. I don't care whether she's drunk or high, everything worked in my favor. I was right to keep believing in the power of energies--you can't really have bad energy around you all the time. Things have to change some time.
I've been having such bad luck lately that I'm sure it's about to get balanced out soon. However, I wasn't expecting extremely good luck--so when I had it, man was I psyched.
About two weeks ago, I went to an interview not really expecting anything, but doing my best, anyway. Company A's hiring process is pretty quick, I finished all interviews in one day and before lunch time, too (well... half past noon). I guess I've gotten so used to interviews and I've gone over my failed ones mentally too much that I just couldn't say anything wrong anymore. The only things that would stand in my way are: the interviewer's impression of me (which, if they are judgmental like some of the assholes I've met who just didn't like me for no particular reason would keep me from getting the job) and my ability to explain that my experience, skills and abilities are good enough for the job and the company.
Alas, I didn't have any problem with those, and surprisingly, I was able to impress Company A's big boss. I think the Boss A was pretty cool, too, although I would assume we're a little too alike, which can be a problem for me. Before the interview ended, he said, "I really want you on my shortlist." and that if they contact me again, it will be because they will make an offer. I had another interview that day, with Company B, which, I'm pleased to know, liked me as well.
I had about ten minutes to finish my crappy burger (late lunch) before my interview with them. I had a good feeling about Company A and the fact that Boss A liked my attitude gave me confidence that I can easily top anyone else who has more or less the same work experience as I do. I think that a great attitude can take you places (well... now I believe it can. Haha). So, I thought, if Company B doesn't like me, or thinks my work experience isn't relevant, I'll be okay.
Well, surprise. I did well with the initial interview (I got compliments!) and I was asked to go meet the would-be supervisor, but I have to rush to another district. (I'm so glad my dad was there to drive me to where I had to go, whew.) It was getting late, but I wanted to show dedication, so I said yes and made my way there. Someone told me that Boss B/the supervisor was really nice and that I would probably do well in my interview with her. I couldn't believe my luck--I was doing great in my interviews, and all I did was be myself and express how I felt about the job. Nobody tested me, nobody tried to look for dirt on me. It was so incredible that I can't believe it was all me (come on, considering I had bad luck 9 out of 10 times when it came my applications)-- I wanted to blame my fortune. I really don't want to sound crazy, but I think the goddess of luck took a liking to me.
I'm seriously not complaining, I'm humbled by all this!
I went to the interview with Boss B, and did well--she said, "I'm very interested," and told me I'll be hearing from them the following week. I was excited, knowing she would be a great boss because she's brilliant. She knows her craft, and if I worked under her, I know I would end up being a gem of some sort. I'm not expecting to become a goddamn diamond (although I want to be one), but I'll be a pretty fucking precious gem under her mentorship/leadership. I just hoped that the following interviews with Company B would turn out good.
The following week, I got a call from Company A asking me to come over. I didn't know what it was about, because I remember BA (Boss A) saying I will hear from HIM if it's a job offer. I assumed that a supervisor will be interviewing me or they wanted to see me again because they can't choose between two candidates. I almost died when he said he was offering me the job. My final interviews with Company B will not be until the end of the week, and I didn't want to tell them I wanted to see what the other company wanted to offer me as well, so I can make a decision.
BA said he didn't want to put me on the spot, but he wanted an answer right away. As in, right there and then. The statement was contradicting itself, I thought, but I understood his point. I never got the impression that filling the position was urgent, though. I was never told that. I was sure he wanted to hire me right away to get things over with, but he didn't give me much of a choice and wanted me to cancel my other applications. Also, I was told that if I accepted the offer, I will be attending a meeting that afternoon with the board. I was shocked because I did not know what to expect, and I wish I had been told that.
He gave me 20 minutes to think it over while he talked to another applicant he was offering another position to. I got in touch with my friends and family to help me make a decision because I was so confused. I wished people here were more professional and didn't get pissed at you for considering other offers or applications. People are easily offended over here, and so it wouldn't be so wise to tell them that you are considering other companies.
I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast. I took a gamble and said, "if they don't accept me after telling them this, then it just wasn't meant to be". I was surprised when I informed BA that I can't accept the offer right now because I really wanted to think it over. He knew what that meant and I was surprised he gave me a few days. I promised to call at as soon as possible once I've made a decision. I thought they were going to drop me (he implied a few times that if I'm on board, I'm on board; or else, they'll continue looking for other candidates) but he saw my decisiveness and how professional I was about it (probably saw himself in me), and couldn't just say 'fuck it'.
I was glad about that, because if my application with Company B didn't work out, I'm assured of a job with Company A. I think it's pretty obvious now that I'm more inclined towards Company B--I'll explain in a bit.
Anyway, I was told that Big Bosses from Company B will be conducting the final interviews. I was expecting to have it with just one of them, but it turns out we all have to meet Big Boss A before the last interview with Big Boss B.
I had a tip about BBA (Big Boss A): that he can be intimidating and I have to do my best to impress him. I was very nervous because even when I smiled and had a pleasant energy about me, I felt it was ignored.
I was starting to see a pattern with how they do interviews with Company B--you have to try to put a poker face on and minimalize any form of expression or emotion. I noticed, however, that after the interviews, the interviewers appear to be much more pleasant; nice, even.
Going back to the interview with BBA--he asked me a few questions, some of which took me by surprise. One, in particular, scared me so much it gave me long pauses in between words. My mind felt like it was all over the place, so my initial answer was wrong, but he explained to me that that was not the answer he was looking for, so I re-answered it. Apparently, the question is kind of like a staple during job interviews: what is the job description for the position you're applying for?
I remembered all the job descriptions I read online whenever I sent out applications to employers and patterned my answered after those. Fortunately, I got it right, and he seemed to be relieved I got the answer, as well. He warned me that the culture, and job will be challenging and competitive, and told me I should be ready for that. Earlier during the interview, I mentioned that public speaking was one of my skills, and he said that even when I mentioned I had that skill, I seemed to be very uncomfortable. Again, honesty and sincerity saved me--I calmly told him that I don't have a problem interacting with a variety of people, however, I was a little nervous because I wanted to do well in the interview because I wanted to work for the company. I was glad when he said that that was okay. When I left, I thought I blew it.
I was asked to come back after lunch. I met this guy who was applying for the same position as I did, and asked him about his own application. I would most likely be seeing him around if we both got in so I tried being friendly with him. We talked after lunch and shared our experiences with the interview we just had--apparently his didn't go too well. Nonetheless, the fact that we were asked to return for the SUPER FINAL interview meant that we passed, which was a huge relief. Neither of us believed we did good with BBA, but now that we only had one more thing keeping us from getting a job offer, we wished each other luck and hoped for the best.
We waited for around an hour and talked about our previous jobs, where we lived and our work experiences. I found out later that we graduated from the same university (we were both excited about this) and we know at least one common person. He was actually just a year my senior, and because we went to the same building in college, we might have crossed paths but never really knew. We thought it was cool.
We got more and more nervous as time passed by, but we were also excited and started to talk about what it would be like working there. We laughed about how we were getting ahead of ourselves and forced ourselves to worry about the present first.
My interview with BBB (Big Boss B) was okay. I was unsure if she liked me, or if I was convincing; again, they tried to maintain a neutral expression, so I didn't know if I was saying something good or not. I used the Honest and Sincere cards again, and although I stuttered a couple of times and wished I had said some things better, I just told myself I did my best, and if I didn't make it, I had another offer anyway.
Later that night, I got a message from Company B saying I passed, and I will be getting a job offer the following week.
I was in a state of confusion after I finished my application with Company B. I started going over the pros and cons of each organization, and realized there were more pros with Company A than B. The only thing that drew me towards B was the prestige I will get from my work experience there. However, I'll have to make a shitton of sacrifices--move out, meaning spend a lot on rent/water/electricity and food, risk not having a strong internet connection at the boarding house and share a room with other people (no privacy). Plus, I'm assuming the job will be as stressful as my previous one; and that was one of the reasons I left that one in the first place.
It appears I would have more freedom with A, and I'm sure people won't be hard to deal with. I don't have to move out and I can sleep later and go home later with no problem. I can basically go to work and come home with my eyes closed. I don't have to give everything up, so I will have more savings; meaning, I can get myself a camera and/or my own laptop and go to a photography class.
Even later that day, though, I realized that making sacrifices, learning from the right people, and working for a well-known, big organization will benefit me in the long run, compared to... well... not giving up anything, hoarding short-term benefits and working for an organization even smaller than my previous one. I've talked to my loved ones and friends about this, and at times they would ask me to make a decision because I have to pick whatever works for me; but not once did they show any indication that they favored A (despite all the added benefits on top of having a job). They all agreed that despite the BIG BAD cons parading behind company B's job offer (which I have yet to see, by the way), it was still more beneficial for me.
I ended up asking Miles* what he thought, and as much as he wanted me to be more healthy, have more time to relax and not have to give up so many things (the list is too long, I can even squeeze it in here) just to be able to work, if it'll help me in the long run, then I should go for it. He said that it doesn't matter that I put up with the stress for another two years, because I'll be with him by then. Sounded good to me.
I have high hopes about this new job. It's a blessing and I worked hard to get it, so I'll will myself to maintain positive feelings for it. I hope that everything goes well and I can stay for more than just one year here, and that I'll love the people I'll be working with. I hope that I get to feel the pros more than the cons the longer I stay. I hope this helps me more than hurts me, and best of all, I hope this freaking improves my health somehow!
I hope my decisions don't fail me.
Wish me luck.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
After around a hundred applications and less than 30 interviews, Lady Luck decided to be my gal one fateful Friday. I don't care whether she's drunk or high, everything worked in my favor. I was right to keep believing in the power of energies--you can't really have bad energy around you all the time. Things have to change some time.
I've been having such bad luck lately that I'm sure it's about to get balanced out soon. However, I wasn't expecting extremely good luck--so when I had it, man was I psyched.
About two weeks ago, I went to an interview not really expecting anything, but doing my best, anyway. Company A's hiring process is pretty quick, I finished all interviews in one day and before lunch time, too (well... half past noon). I guess I've gotten so used to interviews and I've gone over my failed ones mentally too much that I just couldn't say anything wrong anymore. The only things that would stand in my way are: the interviewer's impression of me (which, if they are judgmental like some of the assholes I've met who just didn't like me for no particular reason would keep me from getting the job) and my ability to explain that my experience, skills and abilities are good enough for the job and the company.
Alas, I didn't have any problem with those, and surprisingly, I was able to impress Company A's big boss. I think the Boss A was pretty cool, too, although I would assume we're a little too alike, which can be a problem for me. Before the interview ended, he said, "I really want you on my shortlist." and that if they contact me again, it will be because they will make an offer. I had another interview that day, with Company B, which, I'm pleased to know, liked me as well.
I had about ten minutes to finish my crappy burger (late lunch) before my interview with them. I had a good feeling about Company A and the fact that Boss A liked my attitude gave me confidence that I can easily top anyone else who has more or less the same work experience as I do. I think that a great attitude can take you places (well... now I believe it can. Haha). So, I thought, if Company B doesn't like me, or thinks my work experience isn't relevant, I'll be okay.
Well, surprise. I did well with the initial interview (I got compliments!) and I was asked to go meet the would-be supervisor, but I have to rush to another district. (I'm so glad my dad was there to drive me to where I had to go, whew.) It was getting late, but I wanted to show dedication, so I said yes and made my way there. Someone told me that Boss B/the supervisor was really nice and that I would probably do well in my interview with her. I couldn't believe my luck--I was doing great in my interviews, and all I did was be myself and express how I felt about the job. Nobody tested me, nobody tried to look for dirt on me. It was so incredible that I can't believe it was all me (come on, considering I had bad luck 9 out of 10 times when it came my applications)-- I wanted to blame my fortune. I really don't want to sound crazy, but I think the goddess of luck took a liking to me.
I'm seriously not complaining, I'm humbled by all this!
I went to the interview with Boss B, and did well--she said, "I'm very interested," and told me I'll be hearing from them the following week. I was excited, knowing she would be a great boss because she's brilliant. She knows her craft, and if I worked under her, I know I would end up being a gem of some sort. I'm not expecting to become a goddamn diamond (although I want to be one), but I'll be a pretty fucking precious gem under her mentorship/leadership. I just hoped that the following interviews with Company B would turn out good.
The following week, I got a call from Company A asking me to come over. I didn't know what it was about, because I remember BA (Boss A) saying I will hear from HIM if it's a job offer. I assumed that a supervisor will be interviewing me or they wanted to see me again because they can't choose between two candidates. I almost died when he said he was offering me the job. My final interviews with Company B will not be until the end of the week, and I didn't want to tell them I wanted to see what the other company wanted to offer me as well, so I can make a decision.
BA said he didn't want to put me on the spot, but he wanted an answer right away. As in, right there and then. The statement was contradicting itself, I thought, but I understood his point. I never got the impression that filling the position was urgent, though. I was never told that. I was sure he wanted to hire me right away to get things over with, but he didn't give me much of a choice and wanted me to cancel my other applications. Also, I was told that if I accepted the offer, I will be attending a meeting that afternoon with the board. I was shocked because I did not know what to expect, and I wish I had been told that.
He gave me 20 minutes to think it over while he talked to another applicant he was offering another position to. I got in touch with my friends and family to help me make a decision because I was so confused. I wished people here were more professional and didn't get pissed at you for considering other offers or applications. People are easily offended over here, and so it wouldn't be so wise to tell them that you are considering other companies.
I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast. I took a gamble and said, "if they don't accept me after telling them this, then it just wasn't meant to be". I was surprised when I informed BA that I can't accept the offer right now because I really wanted to think it over. He knew what that meant and I was surprised he gave me a few days. I promised to call at as soon as possible once I've made a decision. I thought they were going to drop me (he implied a few times that if I'm on board, I'm on board; or else, they'll continue looking for other candidates) but he saw my decisiveness and how professional I was about it (probably saw himself in me), and couldn't just say 'fuck it'.
I was glad about that, because if my application with Company B didn't work out, I'm assured of a job with Company A. I think it's pretty obvious now that I'm more inclined towards Company B--I'll explain in a bit.
Anyway, I was told that Big Bosses from Company B will be conducting the final interviews. I was expecting to have it with just one of them, but it turns out we all have to meet Big Boss A before the last interview with Big Boss B.
I had a tip about BBA (Big Boss A): that he can be intimidating and I have to do my best to impress him. I was very nervous because even when I smiled and had a pleasant energy about me, I felt it was ignored.
I was starting to see a pattern with how they do interviews with Company B--you have to try to put a poker face on and minimalize any form of expression or emotion. I noticed, however, that after the interviews, the interviewers appear to be much more pleasant; nice, even.
Going back to the interview with BBA--he asked me a few questions, some of which took me by surprise. One, in particular, scared me so much it gave me long pauses in between words. My mind felt like it was all over the place, so my initial answer was wrong, but he explained to me that that was not the answer he was looking for, so I re-answered it. Apparently, the question is kind of like a staple during job interviews: what is the job description for the position you're applying for?
I remembered all the job descriptions I read online whenever I sent out applications to employers and patterned my answered after those. Fortunately, I got it right, and he seemed to be relieved I got the answer, as well. He warned me that the culture, and job will be challenging and competitive, and told me I should be ready for that. Earlier during the interview, I mentioned that public speaking was one of my skills, and he said that even when I mentioned I had that skill, I seemed to be very uncomfortable. Again, honesty and sincerity saved me--I calmly told him that I don't have a problem interacting with a variety of people, however, I was a little nervous because I wanted to do well in the interview because I wanted to work for the company. I was glad when he said that that was okay. When I left, I thought I blew it.
I was asked to come back after lunch. I met this guy who was applying for the same position as I did, and asked him about his own application. I would most likely be seeing him around if we both got in so I tried being friendly with him. We talked after lunch and shared our experiences with the interview we just had--apparently his didn't go too well. Nonetheless, the fact that we were asked to return for the SUPER FINAL interview meant that we passed, which was a huge relief. Neither of us believed we did good with BBA, but now that we only had one more thing keeping us from getting a job offer, we wished each other luck and hoped for the best.
We waited for around an hour and talked about our previous jobs, where we lived and our work experiences. I found out later that we graduated from the same university (we were both excited about this) and we know at least one common person. He was actually just a year my senior, and because we went to the same building in college, we might have crossed paths but never really knew. We thought it was cool.
We got more and more nervous as time passed by, but we were also excited and started to talk about what it would be like working there. We laughed about how we were getting ahead of ourselves and forced ourselves to worry about the present first.
My interview with BBB (Big Boss B) was okay. I was unsure if she liked me, or if I was convincing; again, they tried to maintain a neutral expression, so I didn't know if I was saying something good or not. I used the Honest and Sincere cards again, and although I stuttered a couple of times and wished I had said some things better, I just told myself I did my best, and if I didn't make it, I had another offer anyway.
Later that night, I got a message from Company B saying I passed, and I will be getting a job offer the following week.
I was in a state of confusion after I finished my application with Company B. I started going over the pros and cons of each organization, and realized there were more pros with Company A than B. The only thing that drew me towards B was the prestige I will get from my work experience there. However, I'll have to make a shitton of sacrifices--move out, meaning spend a lot on rent/water/electricity and food, risk not having a strong internet connection at the boarding house and share a room with other people (no privacy). Plus, I'm assuming the job will be as stressful as my previous one; and that was one of the reasons I left that one in the first place.
It appears I would have more freedom with A, and I'm sure people won't be hard to deal with. I don't have to move out and I can sleep later and go home later with no problem. I can basically go to work and come home with my eyes closed. I don't have to give everything up, so I will have more savings; meaning, I can get myself a camera and/or my own laptop and go to a photography class.
Even later that day, though, I realized that making sacrifices, learning from the right people, and working for a well-known, big organization will benefit me in the long run, compared to... well... not giving up anything, hoarding short-term benefits and working for an organization even smaller than my previous one. I've talked to my loved ones and friends about this, and at times they would ask me to make a decision because I have to pick whatever works for me; but not once did they show any indication that they favored A (despite all the added benefits on top of having a job). They all agreed that despite the BIG BAD cons parading behind company B's job offer (which I have yet to see, by the way), it was still more beneficial for me.
I ended up asking Miles* what he thought, and as much as he wanted me to be more healthy, have more time to relax and not have to give up so many things (the list is too long, I can even squeeze it in here) just to be able to work, if it'll help me in the long run, then I should go for it. He said that it doesn't matter that I put up with the stress for another two years, because I'll be with him by then. Sounded good to me.
I have high hopes about this new job. It's a blessing and I worked hard to get it, so I'll will myself to maintain positive feelings for it. I hope that everything goes well and I can stay for more than just one year here, and that I'll love the people I'll be working with. I hope that I get to feel the pros more than the cons the longer I stay. I hope this helps me more than hurts me, and best of all, I hope this freaking improves my health somehow!
I hope my decisions don't fail me.
Wish me luck.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
ATYT: How I decide that it's the right job for me
I have a problem--and that is, up until today, my career life has remained stagnant.
I know I'm only supposed to choose wisely, but not be picky. However, there are some things that indicate that the job I'm applying for isn't the right one for me:
1. The job's nature. If it's a sales job, or something that requires A LOT of exposure to different people on a daily basis, it isn't for me. Those types of jobs take so much energy for me, and, coming from experience, makes me want to lock myself up in my room all throughout the weekend because I know it's the only place where I can get my alone time.
2. The company's reputation. If the employer is from the industry I majored in, good. If it's slightly off (pharmaceutical distributors, FMCG, etc.), it has to be a big, or well-known firm. I would trust that I'd be in good hands because these organizations, I'm sure, have a good track record in terms of taking care of their employees.
3. The culture I've observed during the interview. There can be misconceptions regarding a workplace's culture. I was actually pretty nervous when I first had my job, because I had only met the people who interviewed me at the time, and they were the only ones I was sure were nice. I remember overhearing other employees in the background and feeling intimidated because I was so sure I haven't encountered people like them before. I was wrong, though--my co-workers were awesome.
I still observe, though, every time I am interviewed, the atmosphere of the workplace. I was crushed twice because I liked two of them so much but I had to decline the first one's offer, and the second one seemed to have hired somebody else. What I liked was the aura the people gave off in those offices--they were positive. I could feel not just the hard work, but the drive, the optimism, the support and openness of these people. They hired the right people, I could tell--because they were operating under the guidance of their company's values.
I've recently encountered an office with bad vibes in them. The employees were a little rude, unfriendly, stuck in their own little worlds, weren't afraid to show their bad sides, PLUS a previous employee came in and was cursing under his breath about how people in that office had NO MANNERS.
I'm not sure about this one job I applied for--it seems that the company is looking for very specific people--people from upper-middle to upper class statuses. Some of the questions asked implied it--they were trying to find out if you were well-off. It's understandable, because it will help you in your career there. I just find it... unfair, I think. The people are nice, it seems, but if I ever get hired, I'm sure I'll always feel uneasy wearing generic clothes, eating cheap food, et cetera. It's a prestigious company, the people are great, a job there would look good on my resume. But there's that... I'm-too-poor-for-you factor, and the nature of the job is too similar to the one I had before (which I was hoping to leave behind me x.x).
4. The office layout. Believe it or not, if you want effective employees, you'd want to invest in a nice office. I think that privacy is key for every individual. Semi-privacy (short cubes with glass windows) is okay. But one long freaking table? That guarantees the person you're sitting beside is peeking at your work and that your bags and stuff are side-by-side? Um. That makes me uncomfortable. I think I've been spoiled by my previous employer--we were given private cubes--lots of space, just a solitary window by the entrance, but you're basically facing walls in three corners. How cool is that? You can talk to people from the area, because it's pretty small (yet spacey), but unless somebody passes by your cube, nobody can observe how your fix your wedgie or adjust your bra or whatever. Also, you're not allowed to, but you can eat in secret with tall cubes like the ones in my previous job. Ahhhhh, I regret leaving. Gah. -_-
I don't like cramped spaces. I'd also prefer not to have people working behind, or in front of me unless we're separated by cube walls. Of course, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get lucky and get to work in a really awesome office. It's pretty much hit-or-miss in this aspect.
I've also encountered horrible offices recently. Gawd. One was a startup "company", they had two brands under it, and they all worked in one freaking room. Like, one unit. It looked like an examination room. People were sitting around each other and a lot of the chairs were plastic. There was no receiving area, and the "office" also doubled as a warehouse where they keep their products. Everybody was in the same room--from the IT people to the creative people to the management people to the general services people... just... every "department" (I keep putting quotation marks because it's a very small company) was in the same room. Ugh.
Another office looked like a classroom. Yes, there were cubes. But there were just too many people in one space, not separated by walls. The cubes are short, too, and windowed. Plus, there was a strange seating arrangement--people worked in rows. So you had people working behind you, and there are people working behind them, etc. It was too cramped. You can kick the person in front of you. *Sigh*
I'll definitely add more to this list if I think of any new considerations. I know I've been ranting about being jobless FOREVER, but I can't really afford to have short-term jobs anymore. I don't want to just work, I want a career... so I have to make sure I can stay for as long as I like at a company that doesn't shred goddamn pounds off me for too many reasons.
I hope my next job will have more pros than cons...
Wish me luck.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
I know I'm only supposed to choose wisely, but not be picky. However, there are some things that indicate that the job I'm applying for isn't the right one for me:
1. The job's nature. If it's a sales job, or something that requires A LOT of exposure to different people on a daily basis, it isn't for me. Those types of jobs take so much energy for me, and, coming from experience, makes me want to lock myself up in my room all throughout the weekend because I know it's the only place where I can get my alone time.
2. The company's reputation. If the employer is from the industry I majored in, good. If it's slightly off (pharmaceutical distributors, FMCG, etc.), it has to be a big, or well-known firm. I would trust that I'd be in good hands because these organizations, I'm sure, have a good track record in terms of taking care of their employees.
3. The culture I've observed during the interview. There can be misconceptions regarding a workplace's culture. I was actually pretty nervous when I first had my job, because I had only met the people who interviewed me at the time, and they were the only ones I was sure were nice. I remember overhearing other employees in the background and feeling intimidated because I was so sure I haven't encountered people like them before. I was wrong, though--my co-workers were awesome.
I still observe, though, every time I am interviewed, the atmosphere of the workplace. I was crushed twice because I liked two of them so much but I had to decline the first one's offer, and the second one seemed to have hired somebody else. What I liked was the aura the people gave off in those offices--they were positive. I could feel not just the hard work, but the drive, the optimism, the support and openness of these people. They hired the right people, I could tell--because they were operating under the guidance of their company's values.
I've recently encountered an office with bad vibes in them. The employees were a little rude, unfriendly, stuck in their own little worlds, weren't afraid to show their bad sides, PLUS a previous employee came in and was cursing under his breath about how people in that office had NO MANNERS.
I'm not sure about this one job I applied for--it seems that the company is looking for very specific people--people from upper-middle to upper class statuses. Some of the questions asked implied it--they were trying to find out if you were well-off. It's understandable, because it will help you in your career there. I just find it... unfair, I think. The people are nice, it seems, but if I ever get hired, I'm sure I'll always feel uneasy wearing generic clothes, eating cheap food, et cetera. It's a prestigious company, the people are great, a job there would look good on my resume. But there's that... I'm-too-poor-for-you factor, and the nature of the job is too similar to the one I had before (which I was hoping to leave behind me x.x).
4. The office layout. Believe it or not, if you want effective employees, you'd want to invest in a nice office. I think that privacy is key for every individual. Semi-privacy (short cubes with glass windows) is okay. But one long freaking table? That guarantees the person you're sitting beside is peeking at your work and that your bags and stuff are side-by-side? Um. That makes me uncomfortable. I think I've been spoiled by my previous employer--we were given private cubes--lots of space, just a solitary window by the entrance, but you're basically facing walls in three corners. How cool is that? You can talk to people from the area, because it's pretty small (yet spacey), but unless somebody passes by your cube, nobody can observe how your fix your wedgie or adjust your bra or whatever. Also, you're not allowed to, but you can eat in secret with tall cubes like the ones in my previous job. Ahhhhh, I regret leaving. Gah. -_-
I don't like cramped spaces. I'd also prefer not to have people working behind, or in front of me unless we're separated by cube walls. Of course, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get lucky and get to work in a really awesome office. It's pretty much hit-or-miss in this aspect.
I've also encountered horrible offices recently. Gawd. One was a startup "company", they had two brands under it, and they all worked in one freaking room. Like, one unit. It looked like an examination room. People were sitting around each other and a lot of the chairs were plastic. There was no receiving area, and the "office" also doubled as a warehouse where they keep their products. Everybody was in the same room--from the IT people to the creative people to the management people to the general services people... just... every "department" (I keep putting quotation marks because it's a very small company) was in the same room. Ugh.
Another office looked like a classroom. Yes, there were cubes. But there were just too many people in one space, not separated by walls. The cubes are short, too, and windowed. Plus, there was a strange seating arrangement--people worked in rows. So you had people working behind you, and there are people working behind them, etc. It was too cramped. You can kick the person in front of you. *Sigh*
I'll definitely add more to this list if I think of any new considerations. I know I've been ranting about being jobless FOREVER, but I can't really afford to have short-term jobs anymore. I don't want to just work, I want a career... so I have to make sure I can stay for as long as I like at a company that doesn't shred goddamn pounds off me for too many reasons.
I hope my next job will have more pros than cons...
Wish me luck.
Lilith
--
*Code name/s
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